Goals for 2016

1. Stop expecting people to love me as much as I love them.  That's just not realistic. 
2. Stop expecting people to like me as much as I like them.  Ditto above reasoning.
3. Eat more often.  I often forget to eat, have no motivation or desire to eat, and have a difficult relationship with food anyways as I don't really love my body as much as I would like to someday.
4. Stop being so fucking lazy, jfc.
5. Drink enough water even when it's cold.  
6. Read all those comic books I download. 
7. Watch all those shows I add to my netflix queue.
8. Cleaning.  I need to do a lot of cleaning.

Loss

It's weird sometimes when you're sad about things.  You know that in the long run this stuff isn't the worst thing that could happen, yet it still just feels too big to handle?  Like even though your shit is not that huge, it just is beating you.

I sometimes am hard on myself because of how sad and beat down I can get, and how things that I do feel others could tolerate just reduce me to tears.  I feel weak and mad at myself for being weak when it could be SO much worse.

But... I'm reminded of this image:

(Loss by Lycanium on DeviantArt)

The artist states that they aren't responsible for the captions often accompanying the image, but the caption I've most often seen if "pain is relative."  And that's true, isn't it?  Because at different points in life, you're able to take more than at other points.  It isn't wrong... it's just... life.  Maybe with time I'll get stronger.  Maybe I'm stronger than I realize right now.  Or maybe I'll stay kind of weak but I'll make it anyways.  But just because other people have serious problems it doesn't make anyone else's problems less real.  When I get down on myself, I have to try and remember that it's VALID.  My feelings are valid... everyone's feelings are valid.  It's nothing to be ashamed of.

why it's okay to give people the attention they so obviously want

You know sometimes you feel like "no one cares about me."  And then you chastise yourself for it, because it's not true.  You know it's not.  Even if you're not surrounded by friends and family, there will always be someone.  Unless you're a truly horrible person, you wish others well... and that's proof that everyone has someone who cares.  But when that's how you feel, it's hard to tell yourself otherwise.  You can get mad at yourself for saying it and then you tell yourself things like, "see how ungrateful you are?  That's why no one likes you."

But anyways, lol...

I remember why I actually started writing this post.  The topic of attention seeking.  I've been really scared of being seen as seeking attention, which is why I post most of my long posts about my emotions HERE rather than on facebook, where I have a couple hundred people on my friends list, or tumblr, where I have a lot(ish) of followers... or even on twitter (where I have just enough followers).  No one (or very, very few people) read this blog, so I feel more able to be open.  There's such a stigma around the whole idea of seeking attention.  Like it makes you a bad person or something, or self-centered or something.

But... maybe when you see someone doing or saying something you think is because they want attention, maybe a more productive thing to do would be to wonder why they want attention.  Are they lonely?  Because loneliness is crushing, and maybe it's easier for them to make posts online than to address someone directly.  Maybe they're scared of whatever they're feeling and they want reassurance that others have dealt with the same thing and got past it.  Maybe they're in need of support because those immediately around them aren't offering them enough.  Maybe they've done something cool and want to be recognized for it.  In those cases, they usually deserve it.  Maybe they do just want it for no reason, but I mean doesn't everyone feel like that every once in a while?

Maybe instead of being an asshole and assuming the worst, and ignoring people to teach them a lesson because you obviously know their situation more than they do, be kind.  Be understanding.  Engage.  At the very least, give a pity like.

Hollywood Babylon

My latest interest, a mini hobby we could call it, is reading about early Hollywood scandals and indeed old Hollywood stars -- typically silent film stars, though I'm not a particular fan of silent films (I don't hate them, but my favorite area of classic cinema is the 1940s, so that's what I usually watch).  It all started when I was looking for pictures of borzois and found a picture of ill-fated silent film actress Olive Thomas and became captivated by her beauty.  When I read up on her, I was understandably intrigued by her mysterious death in 1920 after accidentally ingesting mercury bichloride.

Olive is an interesting person to read about.  She came from a poor background and became a model and a star of Ziegfeld's Follies.  She broke into movies and quickly became popular.  One of her last films, one of few known to still survive, was The Flapper, a comedy in which she paved the way for the wild and liberated young women in the tradition of Louise Brooks and Clara Bow in the mid and late twenties.  Nowadays, most people who know about her mostly study her death, attempting to prove it was suicide or that her Jack Pickford, rumored to be a syphilitic drug addict philanderer, killed her.  None of that has been (or honestly can be) proven, and I honestly believe her death was a sad accident.  But she lived a very interesting life and had a lot of talent.  It's sad she's mostly remembered for her death... if you're reading this blog and you don't know who she is, do yourself a favor and google her.

Another scandal I've found fascinating is the murder of silent film director William Desmond Taylor.  This case is really interesting because so much about it is uncertainty and conjecture.  The case remains unsolved to this day, and almost all the suspects were noted personalities in the movie business at the time.  It's widely believed that executives from Paramount Studios did much to cover up the truth behind the murder, to keep further scandals to a minimum as the general public was beginning to think Hollywood was too wild.  I would go into more detail, but I don't have my own theory as to who the murderer was.  I'm impressionable, so I tend to agree with whichever article I've last read.  Hearst would have loved me.  For more information, check out Taylorology, an online newspaper compiling contemporary news pieces relating to William Desmond Taylor, stars associated with him and possibly related to his murder or the other high profile scandals of the time. 

One figure whose name is linked to Taylor's murder is Mabel Normand, silent film comedienne and frequent costar of Charlie Chaplain and Fatty Arbuckle.  

Mabel was the last person (besides the murderer) to see William Desmond Taylor alive, as they were good friends and she had visited with him earlier in the evening and he lent her a book as he often did.  She was never seriously considered as a suspect in his murder, but she was devastated by the loss and her career was damaged.  She's another person that lived an interesting life, fraught with scandal.  But she was one of the most popular comic actresses of the time, and she also wrote and directed movies as well.  I've always found her to be interesting and quite beautiful, but her life is also something of a sad story.  It's thought that the thing that cemented her friendship with William Desmond Taylor was his desire to help her quit using drugs, and one of the theories is that he was murdered by drug dealers who were disgruntled by him interfering with their business.  Interestingly enough, Mabel was also very good friends with Olive and was quite saddened by her sudden death.  She bought several pieces of Olive's jewelry and a toilet set from the sale of her estate. 

My mom went to the hospital last week.  As you can probably understand, this was a difficult time with worrying about her and hoping she'd be okay and being alone in the house (more than usual).  But I sort of dedicated that time to doing things around the house and keeping busy.  I had a focus.  She's home now and is doing better.  And I'm relieved about that.  Last night and today, however, have been difficult for me.  I don't have so much to focus on as I did last week (because she's getting annoyed with me trying to help her... she's very self-sufficient and is used to being the nurse, not having someone try to nurse her).  I also have been dealing with lots of my own usual negative feelings.  So there's a lot going on inside my head and nothing to distract me from it, and I don't know what to do.

NaNo Cravings

This blog post is just going to be a list of the different foods and drinks I remember craving during NaNoWriMo (thus far... I've still got a few days and few thousand words to go).

• Blondies
• Doritos
• Street tacos
• Oreos
• Spaghetti with turkey meatballs
• Onion rings
• Tequila
• French fries
• Nachos
• Chorizo
• Mozzarella sticks

NaNo Hell

So I'm writing NaNo, as I do.  It's really a lot.  Really fucking extra.  What happens is that I write a lot because I have to and still feel like I'm not doing enough.  I complain about how much work it is, and then those around me guilt me for not taking it on the chin -- after all, I did sign up for it.  The experience overall does help one grow as a writer.  It's valuable and sometimes a very good project comes out of it... or at least the first draft for something that could become good.  However, it's still hell.  It's still a lot of work and a lot mental energy gets expended.  And I'll complain about it.  I'm sure I'm annoying... but there we are.  That's what I do.

Is it just me or is it harder to talk to people when you're really lonely?  i just like... I don't know... I wish I had more friends and people who really, really wanted to talk to me and be with me, but I suck at talking to people so I can't make friends.

God, all I do is whine.  I'm really sorry if you are for some reason reading this blog.

dffghjknm

Sometimes in life you cling to whatever little bit of happiness you can find.  Sometimes the happiness is purely superficial, and you feel bad about it, but you're so desperate to feel something that's good.  But then the thing goes away, and you're left with nothing again and it gets worse and worse and you feel worse and worse (even though you already felt pretty bad) and there's nothing to be happy about so you don't want to go on.

I don't get that thing anymore.  I don't want to go on.

feelings

Sometimes when you don't feel good, people will try to cheer you up.  Sometimes this works, if even just because it's nice to know others are concerned.  But sometimes it makes you feel worse... you're mad at yourself because some kind person is trying to help you but you're just being ungrateful for that.  That's how you feel.  You feel like there's something wrong with you because you're not being cheered up by their kindness... like if it helps others, it should help you too... but because it doesn't, you're broken.  You must be.  And people say nice things -- kind and generous words that make you smile and/or blush -- but as much as you know these people care about you, you can't believe it.  Like part of you knows it's true but you won't believe it anyways.  Our brains are so unkind to us... mine treats me like shit.  And I'm tired of it and I hate it.

I want it to stop.  All of it.  It's too much.  I'm so fucking tired.  I want out.

I am so tired of not being okay.  Like, it's honestly exhausting.  I'm tired of it, and the people around me are tired of it... and me.  Maybe I need new people... but how, with social anxiety, could i hope to meet them, lol.  I'm feeling so sorry for myself right now and it's in no way attractive, but there we are.  I'm trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps or however the saying goes but I just... would rather... idk, die.

Creation

I used to like to cook and bake.  I used to like to craft... to make things out of other things.  Writing used to come really easy.  There was a time, that I was very into creating things, and I was good at it.  Nowadays, doing any of those things takes A LOT out of me, and some days it feels impossible.  I want to get back to when I used to be able to derive enjoyment from those things.  I really do.

Colon Three Face

Today was a good day.  I had Chinese food and got new pony things for my pony collection.  And I did things for myself.  My hand is healing enough that I can do more now than I could when I first got bitten.  I do feel myself beginning to trust Pluto again too.  Maybe soon I'll let him sleep in my room again.  Good days are so few and far between for me that it always feels monumental when I have one, so I've decided that those are just as important (if not more important) to put down in my blog so I can remember them.

buster bluth

So my dog bit my hand the other day.  In addition to the incredible physical pain, I can barely use the hand.  I feel useless, and I wonder if I will ever be able to use it normally again.  Plus there's the fact that I feel unsafe around my own dog, and also guilty for not giving him the same kind of love I used to... and the occasional vivid flashback.  The stress of this, the feelings of uselessness and hopelessness and sadness, plus the normal life stress, depression and anxiety have all added up and I'm really struggling to keep going.  I don't want to anymore.  If this is what life is going to continue to be, I'd rather not continue with it.

Today has given me a lot to think about.  In fact, all day I've done almost nothing but think.  And I made a decision... arrived at a conclusion, to be more accurate.  I fucking hate myself lmao.  Like... I try not to... but it's really hard not to?  There's nothing here to like, so I don't.  And then I'm conscious of the fact that I am supposed to like myself, even LOVE myself... and I just don't.  I don't know how to, and I am really trying to learn, but it's not easy.

t is for trapped

that's how I've been feeling today.  Trapped.  Like for literally no reason, or no reason in particular... I just feel trapped.  And I wanna claw my way out but like... out of what?  what are these feelings even?  I hate it. =/  Anxiety isn't good today.  The depression is extra depression-y today.  I would like to die.  I'm just argh.  Like... just... I hate it.

fucking argh

I've asked two people today if I was annoying.  They both said no, but I don't get in what way I could be considered anything else.  I talk a lot about dumb things and my voice is squeaky and should have gotten deeper when I was like 12 but it didn't so I still sound 11, and just... lots of things.  UGH.

It's anxiety, right?

But like... I can tell myself that but I also will be thinking "lol no it's not, you're annoying and no one likes you :)" but I don't want to think like that and i can't turn the thoughts off.  I'm so upset.

Sometimes I get so sad that it hurts.  It physically hurts.  And I just want to die, but I'm still here.  Sometimes I wonder why...w hy am I still here?  what the hell good am i to anyone?  It doesn't feel like much.  I hurt when I feel like no one cares but I can't blame them... I don't deserve people to care about me.  I'm so sorry to anyone who may be reading this blog for always being negative shit, always always, but this is like the easiest place to vent (without like purchasing a diary lol).

Okay

I've been all right the last couple of days, which is cause for celebration.  Some of the haze has lifted, and I'm really feeling the relief of that.  I know it's cyclical for me usually, so sometimes it's really bad for a couple of weeks and then it'll let up for a while.  It doesn't really help during the bad time to focus on the fact that that is what has happened in the past... but I'll try it anyways next time.

I'm still lonely though.  I guess that's unrelated.  I'm lonely and sometimes feel alone.  I feel like an obligation to people.  I realize it's me being sensitive, it's my mean brain telling me things I don't need to hear... that likely aren't even true... but still.  It's hard to escape those thoughts when they're lurking in every corner of my brain.

I try though.

I often feel like I drive people away just by being myself, but I don't know any other way to be.  I used to be really different, I'm realizing.  My energy level was higher, I was better at interacting with people, my fuse was longer, my sense of humor was different.  I wish I could be that person again... but I think at this point I've hurt her enough that she isn't coming back.

The options are this or nothing, and really "nothing" isn't even an option.

(title)

So I'm trying hard.  It doesn't show, of course in my actions and you can't hear it in my words.  But I'm trying.  I'm trying not to lose this battle.  I'm trying not to go from bad to worse.  I'm trying to keep my head above water.  I feel like I'm failing, though.  I wonder if my effort really matters, if it really counts, if no one else can see it and it ends in a failure anyways.

I feel like such a mess.

I'm almost done

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.  Not with my life, not on a day to day basis... not even in regards to small unimportant things.  I don't want to be here anymore.  But whatever.  I'm not going anywhere though... I'll be fine.

I've been struggling a lot.  Sleeping is hard, thinking non negative thoughts is hard, getting out of bed in the morning is hard.  Last night I was so miserable I literally ached... I could feel sadness spreading through my chest... and I don't even know why.  There was nothing different going on.  I was just more or less fine until I wasn't, and then it felt like there was a pile of bricks on me.

I'm 27 years old now.  How old will I be when I feel like I'm functioning right again?  How old will I be before I stop living in a constant rut of doldrums?  I try so hard to pick myself up, but it just feels like too much.  What if I never reach the point where I'm strong enough to do it?  How can I live with myself if this is who I'm going to be for the rest of my life?

broken heart emoticon

So today has been weird.  At times I was fine -- pretty good even.  Other times I was quite low.  Last night was the same way.  It was what I've often described as my rubber ball mood.  Bouncing up and down, so fast... I can barely keep up.  And right now, I just feel weird.  I feel off and wrong somehow, and I just want things to make sense.

Part of it, I'm thinking, is coming from my birthday.  I'm not looking forward to it.  I'm looking forward to my birthday present, but I don't care about the day.  It's not a reason to celebrate that I'm still here, because if I'm being totally honest, I don't really want to be.  It's supposed to be this day where everyone who loves you just reminds you how happy they are that you're here, but no one is happy about it.  I don't see what I contribute to anyone or anything, and I honestly can't blame other people for not being all that enthused about my existence.

And like... this isn't even a particularly negative feeling for me.  It's just kind of *shrug*.  I just don't care what happens to me anymore and I'm not even sad about it.  It just is.  It probably sounds like I'm really sad, and I guess I am low, but I'm not like... feeling sadness.  I guess it's another numb thing... and now I feel dumb.  Usually whenever I "feel weird" it's this.  I should have realized that sooner and it would have made sense sooner.

something

So sometimes I'm sad.  Sometimes I'm angry.  Sometimes I just hurt, not even for any reason.  And other times, I feel nothing at all.  The emptiness is weird and scary but also, when it comes at the tail end of an extreme bout of one of those other emotions, it's kind of a relief in a weird way.  Right now I feel the empty.  Early today I was angry and my fuse was very short.  I was very misanthropic and I could have named about three people on the planet that I didn't detest at that moment.  And now I don't have the energy to feel anything.  It doesn't even take energy but I don't have it.  I just feel weird, I don't know.  Like I want to do better, stop being awful, but how?  How do I make myself care that I'm doing nothing with my life and generally am a piece of shit?  Tough questions.

My Little Pony -- my top ten episodes

So I decided I wanted a complete change of pace on this sad, depressing blog, so I decided to do some top ten lists!  First up, my top ten episodes of my most favorite TV show, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.  This was really, really, hard btw.

1. Suited for Success, season 1
2. Canterlot Wedding Parts 1&2, season 2
3. Do Princesses Dream of Magic Sheep?, season 5
4. Friendship is Magic Parts 1&2, season 1
5. Stare Master, season 1
6. Magical Mystery Cure, season 3
7. Simple Ways, season 4
8. Look Before You Sleep, season 1
9. Power Ponies, season 4
10. Hearts and Hooves Day, season 2

Special shout-out to Lesson Zero, the honorary 11th place episode, and the best animated representation of anxiety I've ever seen.

Basically my last post, copy-pasted here, verbatim

The way I was feeling before?  Exactly the same feeling right now.  But what can I say... I have to give the people who deal with me/talk to me some credit.  I would be fucking tired of me if I was them too.  Hell, I am tired of me.

whatever this is

How do you tell if it's just your anxious over critical mind playing tricks on your or if you're really a big fucking pain in the ass nuisance?  Because sometimes I talk to people and they just sound kind of like "...okay... that's interesting I guess, anyways back to me..." and I wonder how boring and overbearing and awful I must be.  And then whenever I'm able to ask, they're like "of course you're not annoying, I never mind talking to you" but?? that's not how they act???  Or maybe I'm just too fucking senstive for my own good.

I just... I have so few friends left.  I really, really don't want to chase the remaining ones away. =/

I guess I just wrote a (truly terrible) poem

I cry a lot.
It doesn't always mean something.
Most things I say and do don't.
Like when I get hurt.
I'm never sorry.

=)

Today was a good day.  I was with people, and I had fun.  I was in a good mood.  My mental health was so on point... didn't feel like death at all.  I'm so happy for it.  I'm so thankful for it.  This is a short post, but I really wanted to note this.  I had a GOOD day.  Not okay, not goodish.  But actually really nice.  And I appreciated it so much.

It's also funny, my body behaved too.  No digestive weirdness, no headache... I even had more energy.  It was nice.  I've definitely noticed before that bad days with depression are usually bad days with my body, but never really bad attention to the obvious -- good days with my mind can equal good days with my body.

It's nice.  Really nice.

chronic bitching syndrome

I saw this post on tumblr once.  I can't remember the exact wording, so I'll paraphrase it here now:

"What a day!  Nothing happened, and I was tired."

That describes my life.  I'm a dull little person.  I wake up, sit in front of my computer, try to eat at least once a day (because people tell me I should), feel sad, try to keep myself from feeling worse, get tired, write, think about My Little Pony, and go back to bed, where I sometimes sleep eventually.

I haven't left the house in two weeks.  My mother grows more and more passive aggressive towards me, and I become more and more aware what an inconvenience I am... and how true it is that she'd probably be better off without me.  (That last statement probably sounds like I'm suicidal.  I'm not.  I just don't like myself very much, but I am stuck with me.)

And I'm sad a lot of the time.  Most of the time.  I try to combat this with MLP, Drag Race, Disney movies, and comic books.  Sometimes it works for a while.  Sometimes it doesn't.

I genuinely hate how often only negative comes out of my mouth.  I feel like I used to be able to be more positive.  I used to be able to fake it better too.  But it all takes so much more energy now.  And it's exhausting.  I'm so tired of my life.  Of life in general.

Next month I turn 27.  My mom was 27 when she had me.  And I'm not any closer to having a baby than I was this time last year.  I'm not any closer to having a life than I was this time last year.  I'm not any closer to experiencing a period of happiness than I was this time last year.

My fault though, I guess.

what a rambling collection of thoughts

So last time I posted I said I was getting a cold.  I'm just now getting over that (it was awful).  I also said I wanted to die.  I kinda still do.  I'm not going to do anything (if anyone is reading this, which I don't think) don't panic or worry or whatever.  But you know.  There it is.

I've been thinking today about death and wishing for it.  If I remember correctly, the first time I wished I would just die was when my grandpa died.  Losing him was hard for me.  Next month it'll be ten years, and I still miss him.  But yeah... I remember being in the hospital on the fourth floor when he was in the ICU.  I remember leaning against the window and wishing it would just break and I'd fall through.

I wanted to die then because grieving was too hard.  The weight of that loss was too much, and I didn't know how to function without the constant love and support and validation he provided for me.

But I didn't die.  I survived that and here I am now.  Nothing horrible has happened and still... I feel now like I wish the ground would open up and swallow me.  I don't know why this is.  Like... sometimes it scares me how little I care.  Sometimes I legitimately wish to die in my sleep when I get in bed.  But other days I'm like "huh, that was a dumb feeling yesterday, I'mma keep living" so I don't even know.

In other news, my birthday is in a month and two days, and today my present arrived.  EEEEeeeeeh.

I'm going to be 27.  Isn't that awful?

an update on my life

Basically I hate myself and want to die and no one seems to care, lol.

But besides that, I went to Ohio to visit my family.  For the most part it was really good.  I've kinda felt emotionally like crap since I've been back.

And now on top of that I'm pretty sure I've got the beginnings of a cold.

Life is swell.

horny for friendship -- terms found in my google search history

So things have been slightly improved lately.  Not like tap dancing in the streets improved but like it's been less difficult to do things improved.  Of course it's still up and down.  Today was a little rocky, but you know.  It could always be worse.

I've been getting more of those desperately lonely feelings lately.  It's not new by any means, but sometimes it's more pressing.  It's been kind of pressing again.  I don't know.  I just long for something but I don't know how to put it in words.  It's not a thing so much as a feeling.  I want to feel so loved and embraced and safe.  I want to feel like I matter.  My life is so empty, sometimes it's very hard not to feel like it's pointless... but I want to feel something that proves to me that isn't the case.  I want to enrich someone else's life.

I want a very best friend.

I want to figure out how I drove the last one away and never do that again.

Oh... and I want to stop hurting because of the last one.

My 100th Post

I have written on this blog in a while... I'm sorry for that.  It does help to be able to get things out, and I usually feel safer doing it here than on any other platform, so I don't know what the problem has been.  Lack of motivation, I'm guessing.

If I was to describe the last couple of weeks, I would say that depression has pretty thoroughly kicked my ass.  I'm very unhappy, I'm very empty, I'm very alone.  I try to talk to people, and the words come out wrong.  I try to hold it in, and it's pretty obvious I'm sitting on something.

Sometimes it scares me when I can't get out of bed or struggle to get food into my body or wish every night as I lay down in my bed that I would just die in my sleep.

I'm so scared.

In other news, I'm going to visit my family next month.  I'm nervous and excited (nervousited, as Pinkie Pie would say) at the same time.

i have feelings

Yesterday was good.  I hung out with my cousin and we went to Free Comic Book Day and then to see The Avengers: Age of Ultron after.

I've been kind of up and down lately.  Yesterday was mostly up.  Today is mostly down.  And I want to die.

It's amazing how I manage to have so many problems without having any actual problems.  Like... I have a place to live.  I have food to eat (even when it's a struggle to do so) and I have a family, a couple of friends, and some beautiful pets.  I even have my health for the most part.  Yet I will still manage to be upset and sad about trivial things or just feel empty and not know how to deal with it.

People say to love yourself, as if it's easy to just start.  I want to love myself and forgive myself for being sad sometimes and for not taking good care of myself and for literally hurting myself.  But I don't know how.

I wonder what I was like before I was this depressed mess.  Did I used to know how to love myself?  I genuinely don't know if I ever did.

kwyjibo

What I seem to be finding is that when things are going okay for me I tend not to update this blog.  At that point I either have nothing to talk about or I feel safer talking about directly to the people I'm around (or talk to online).  So I guess the fact that it's been such a while since I updated should be a good thing.  Because for a while, things were going pretty good.

But then they got really bad really fast.

One day last week was the worst... until today.  Today was the absolute worst.  I've just been feeling so unwanted and alone and in the way lately.  Like not a single soul really cares.  And then a few stupid little things happened to make it feel worse.  And my heart... it ached.  I could literally physically feel it aching.  It still is now.

I just want it all to end.  I want this to be over.  I don't know how much longer I can handle it.  I've been told before that I'm strong... I don't feel it.  I just feel like a lump of personality-less sadness.

I like how when I screw up I don't just sorta screw up, I screw up massively and royally and set myself back almost a month of hard work.  I like how when I do screw up, I realize it as I'm making the mistake but it's too late, can't pull myself out.  I'm mad at myself and also relaxing back into the state of dgaf.  I don't have the motivation to give a fuck.  Like honestly?? What's the difference?  Literally nothing.

Something

A lot of disappointing things have happened lately, and it's not easy.  I mean, it's never easy, not for anyone... but it just feels like the little disappointments are coming so often and so close together, and I'm getting really tired of it.  Some days I honestly don't want to keep going.  I mean, I feel like overall, I might be getting better... but I just don't have the energy for dealing with these things when they arise.  I'm just so tired of it.  I genuinely am.

I

So it's been a while since I posted last.  What happened to that commitment I made to post at least once a week?  Lol, fuck if I know.

Anyways, things haven't been terrible.  My mom has been snippy with me, but I'm dealing.  I go between having an okay level of motivation to none at all.  Like today I was sailing... woke up when I planned to, washed my hair, put on clothes, went around people.  Yesterday I had talk myself into eating, only because I knew I probably should.  The other day, like two days ago, was a really good day, then I struggled all night.

I'm trying really hard.  Sometimes it still feels like not enough but other times it feels like I couldn't possibly be trying any harder.  Idk.

And in other news, I started watching RuPaul's Drag Race.  It's pretty fucking delightful.  And next week there will be new episodes of My Little Pony... fucking yeah, I'm so excited.

Yoooooohoooooooo

So things have happened.

My laptop died.  That was very difficult.  And I won't lie... it was 100% my fault.  So I was mad at myself.  But I got a new one yesterday, and I'm happy about that.  Not crazy about the fact that I created this big expense, but it is what it is.

My younger cousin is pregnant.  I did not take this news well.  (See previous post)

I'm trying really hard still.  I've been up and down, but I feel like more up, maybe?  I don't know.  It seems like maybe there was more up.  That's a good thing.

Today, I was productive as hell.  I did a great many things.  My mother said she was proud.

Also to the person who commented on my last post, I don't know if you'll see this one, but thank you.

Today I spent a surprising amount of time looking at the facebook page of an acquaintance from high school.  Not because I missed her or anything... I just... she has a baby.  A lot of people I went to school with are now married and they have kids.  I can think of three girls off the top of my head that married guys that were a little older and had kids from previous relationships -- instant mom.  And we all know where this is going.  I can admit (here on my blog no one reads) that I'm incredibly jealous.

Now, I have no right to be.  My life is just ticking away.  Time is wasting, and I'm the one wasting it.  I can't be mad that other people have what I want... they wanted the same thing so they went and got it.

The older I get, literally with each month that passes, I feel less and less like it'll actually ever happen for me.

I mean, it's probably just as well.  I'm dumb.  I barely know how to take care of myself.  Got the scars to prove it.

Writing is hard

Sometimes with writing, I get these ideas, and they practically burn me on the inside until I get them out.  I sit down and don't start writing until I've got a bunch of words written.  Those stories tend to turn out pretty good.

That, however, is very rare,

Sometimes I feel like "ahh yes, I want to write" and I sit down and try to do it, but nothing comes out.

This, unfortunately, is more common.

Since depression started kicking me in the teeth, I'll either get the feeling I should write or I'm expected to write... or I'll try to tell myself "it's now or never, so you better make it now."  And then when nothing comes out, I feel like dying.  Like literally dying.

This is me today.

I have all these idea-lets.  Not quite fully formed ideas, but like, little plot bunnies.  Perfect for headcanons, but not whole stories.  But I want to write.  Today was a great day and I felt wonderful and I wanted to write, but nothing happened.  Why can't I just turn on inspiration?  What kind of writer am I really if I can only write when the stars line up just so?

This long whiny rant was easy to write.  Why is fiction so much harder?

Oh

I've forgotten to post here for a good little while.  I know no one is reading this, so it doesn't matter that much... but when you make a commitment to yourself and some nonexistent readers on the internet, you should keep it.  So my apologies.  I don't have a reason for why I've not updated... I just haven't.

In the last week and change, I've been okay.  Not stellar, but not terrible.  That's kind of huge for me.  I've had a number of days in a row where I didn't feel like crap mentally and emotionally or physically.  I did have some yucky days there with cramps and not wanting/being able to eat, but that was explainable and to be expected.

I really liked being okay.  I hope it keeps up.

The Hermit

I literally don't remember when was the last time I left this house.  And that's not like a hyperbolic "I can't remember" or a figure of speech or whatever... I literally can't remember because it's been that long.  At least two weeks.  Maybe I'm not crazy, just stir crazy.  But fuck.  I've got nowhere to go.

blargh

I feel like a bad friend and a bad person.  I don't know how to fix myself, and I feel bad about that... kind of hate myself for it.  I also feel pretty stupid and lazy.  This "loving yourself" thing and not blaming yourself all the time is so hard.  I feel like a mess.  I don't know.  It's also weird and hard because yesterday was a pretty decent day mood wise and this morning had been alright.  But now I feel like crap.  It's stupid and frustrating.

Realization

I've been putting in a lot of work in trying to be okay, trying to get better and believe in myself and all that other good stuff.  It's not always easy.  Hell, it's never easy.  But I'm going to be okay.  I've decided.  It will be because I say it is so.

It's Valentine's Day

Sometimes I feel really unloved.  Like, starting with myself and going right down every relative and friend I have, I feel like no one loves me.  I don't love myself no matter how hard I try.  If there was a way to divorce oneself without all that messy dying, I'd have done it a long time ago.  And see, I'm looking at everything I've written here and it's like "God, could you be any more pathetic?  Look at you feeling sorry for yourself... this is very unattractive, and it's why no one likes you."  And I hate thinking like that, and I'm trying so hard not to, to unlearn that.  It isn't easy.  They tell you no one will love you if you don't love yourself, but what about if you can't love yourself?  What if you've spent 26 years trying and have sometimes been able to fake it, but really haven't mastered it?  What then?  Will no one ever love you?  Are you doomed to a life with no friends and no romantic prospects?  Should you just accept at 26 that you'll probably never have the children you've always wanted because no one finds you appealing enough to date and/or marry you, let alone get you pregnant?  Will it be any easier to love myself when I'm childless and still single at 50 than it is now?  I don't know.  That was a lot of rambling.

It's been a weird day.

I don't know how to describe how I feel.  This, I think, is part of my problem.  It's not necessarily that I'm sad or whatever, because I mean I guess I kind of am, but also I just feel weird.  Like the nothing feeling I get sometimes.  It's hard to put into words.  Like I was really low when I woke up.  Then I sat around a bit watching tv and goofing off.  For a while I felt better.  I don't know what's up with me right now.  I want a hug.  I want some cuddles.  I want someone to hold my hand.  I want to be someone's very favorite person in the entire world, even if it's just for a bit.  I'm lonely, but also, I don't know.  At the same time as I want all of that, I also want to be left alone.  None of it makes any sense, even to me.

weird things

I've been doing pretty good.  I wrote a lot yesterday -- finished a 2,000 plus word fic and also did two blog posts on my Disney blog.  I was proud of that.  I hadn't been able to write for various reasons (writer's block, no motivation, etc) for a long, long time.  But predictably I'm now feeling lazy and useless and I don't want to write today's post.  It was a movie I like a lot... and I noticed that sometimes those are harder to write, idk.

Right now, I feel kind of weird.  Kind of low.  I don't know.  I don't know where it came from.

And I also just noticed that I have a lot of tension in my shoulders.  I could really go for a massage.  But even if I had money to do that (because they are expensive) I would hate having to be nude, even covered by a towel.  *sigh*  And obviously there's no one in my life that would even give me a simple shoulder rub, let alone a massage.

This saturday is Valentine's Day.  I'm going to spend it with O'Malley and Pluto... two guys who fight over me.

It's been a week

since I last posted to this blog.

Life has been the same.  Good sometimes.  Not good other times.  I'm getting by, or trying to at any rate.

Have been keeping up with my Disney movies.  I'm to the Renaissance years now, and the movies are all really good so watching them has been great, but writing about them has been murder.  I don't know why... maybe because I do like them so much.  Tomorrow is Hunchback, which I don't have on DVD, so I'll be back to netflix.  Which kinda sucks because sometimes (most of the time) netflix plays really laggy and pixelated on my laptop.  Sigh.

The thing I hadn't done in a couple of days?  I did it ten times today.  It's like I wasn't even trying... but I was.  I swear.

I also had a bit of a crying spell today.  Don't even know where it came from.

Oh, and this was interesting.  I had a nightmare last night.  I was back in school (I couldn't tell if it was high school or college, but at my age what's the difference, they're equally ridiculous) and I was inside a building.  It looked like there was like a science fair or something like that going on?  Idk.  And then all of a sudden this weird bat creatures came out of the ceiling.  They had bat heads on spider bodies, but they were the size of cats.  And then were diving on people attacking them.  So everyone was trying to get out of the building but the doors were all far from where I was.  So I was running, and I had my sweater like pulled up over my head.  Bits of plaster were starting to rain down from the ceiling so I had my mouth clamped tight and my lips kind of sucked in.  Suddenly, as I was running, one of the bat creatures flew into me and was trying to bite my side.  I screamed, but with my mouth close.  That was when I woke up with a start, and I head myself screaming as I woke up, only my mouth was clamped shut like in the dream so hardly any sound came out.  It was so weird and creepy and it took me ages to be okay to fall back asleep.  What could that even mean?

Dreams

I had this dream last night about my grandpa.  I really miss him a lot.  In the dream, it was just so normal.  He was here, and he was working on fixing the rickety porch.  I was there, and I was holding a light for him.  It was one of those dreams where it feels really real so I woke up and forgot for a split second that it wasn't.

I don't know.  Life was just better before, when he was here.

People tell me he would be proud of me, but really?  I mean what is there to be proud of?  If anything, I'd be breaking his heart... he always thought I had so much potential, and if I ever did I'm just wasting it.  What could be more disappointing than that?

And then I couldn't really make it out of bed.  It was one of those mornings were it was so hard.  But eventually I did, and then the morning started off shitty and stayed shitty for a while.  It did get better though... the day was pretty decent for the most part.  Right now though I have this massive headache for some reason and everything is pissing me way the fuck off.

Also, since I've last written, I've hardcore fallen in love with My Little Pony.

xxxx

I'm weak, so weak.  There's things I'm not supposed to be doing but I am and things I'm supposed to be doing but I'm not.  I don't know how to cope, I don't know how to direct myself.  And I don't know how to focus.  God, what a fuck up.

Grrrrrrrr

Okay.  I'm honestly trying to be more positive.  It's not fucking working though.  I suck.

not having a title is kind of a title, right?

I feel like I'm doing okay.  Like some days I feel pretty great (I had like two and half lovely days in a row) but yesterday, for example, I eloquently described as "stupid" but today has been slightly better.  I still don't know how to deal with bad days (or bad moments) though.  I am always so ready to go to the bad, self-destructive place I'm trying to stay away from.  I want to do better and be better, so I'm trying really hard.  It's not as easy as you would think.

I haven't been feeling great physically either.  My body just feels off, somehow.  I don't know if that's like a side effect of my head dicking with me or if I'm actually coming down with something.  Who knows anyways.  Who cares, anyways.

But in better news, I'm still keeping up with my Disney movie thing and writing on the blog.  Pretty proud of myself.  Not too many people are ready it, but eh.  Not any different from anything else I've ever written, lol.

it's the 11th of january and i don't have a good title for this post

Today I'm feeling very lonely.  Today I'm sad because I'm so lonely.  Today I'm more convinced than ever that no one actually gives a shit.  I wish I hadn't woken up today.

Meanwhile, I'm about 36 hours clean.  I'm proud of that.  I'm gonna keep going, hopefully.

Last night I was anxious and had trouble sleeping, but I eventually drifted off alright.  I feel like I had a dream, but I don't remember it.

I could use a hug.

lalala

Sometimes I just wish I could take a break from being... whatever the hell you call what I am.  (Besides a fucking mess that is.)  I WANT so badly to be a positive person, and sometimes I can be that for other people but it is hard as hell to be it for others.

So I'm just gonna stick a pin in my feelings for the moment.  And that should be easy because I can't fucking describe how I feel anyways.

I'm just gonna talk about the good stuff that's happened.

Yesterday I went to the dollar theater and saw Gone Girl, which I had been wanting to see.  It was a really good movie.  Fucked up as hell, but good.  Last night I also got almost caught up with Welcome to Night Vale.  I've been getting behind with everything lately... shows, podcasts, comics, etc... so it was nice.  I listened to two episodes, now I just need to hear the newest one.  And I bought a couple of things the other day.  Only spend $20 and got some comics, the Lois and Clark season 1 dvd, and two books.  The comics actually fell through, but still.  $17 for the rest of it ain't bad.

I've been keeping up with my other blog.  The Disney one.  I haven't done today's movie and post yet, however, but I really should.  I'm just being lazy and awful.  Most days I just jump right in and feel totally motivated to do it, and that's a good feeling.  Day before yesterday and today have been the exceptions (which means six out of nine days were going good... that's amazing for me).

Hm.

It's really hard to decide to just stop doing the self-destructive thing and then actually do it.  Like I can decide to stop till the cows comes home but it's just not that easy.  It was way easier to start, but I guess that's the case with anything.  Like I want so badly to just wake up one morning and emerge from my blanket cocoon a new person -- a beautiful butterfly of a strong, self-sufficient woman -- but I don't know how.  I try and fail.  Then I get discouraged so I don't try and I still fail (of course) and then I just tell myself, "see, you were right."

I'm caught in this place now where I simultaneously want someone to notice me struggling and then be there to support me and for no one to notice because I would rather not add "generally pitied by those around her" to the things I use to describe myself when I'm mentally degrading myself.

I don't even know.

I don't care

I don't care what happens anymore.  I don't care what happens to other people, I don't care what happens to me.  I don't care if I never feel better mentally.  I don't care if my body ends up so scarred it looks like a road map.  I don't care if I don't even wake up tomorrow morning.

Yes, it's one of those days.

It's 2015

First post on this blog in the new year!  I've been pretty good about keeping this blog updated like I said I would (and am impressed with myself, idec) and here's hoping I'm able to keep it up.

I didn't really make a new year's resolution.  I probably should have.  I'm just hoping and trying to take better care of myself and be less self-destructive.  I haven't done that one thing since last year (on December 31st) but that's a start.

Anyways, I have a project.  I'm gonna watch all the Disney animated movies in order.  And to keep myself on task, I started a new blog to jot down my thoughts on each movie as I go.  Today is the second day -- Pinocchio -- and so far I'm having a blast.

I went and got comics today and that was awesome.

A pretty darn good day after all.