So last time I posted I said I was getting a cold. I'm just now getting over that (it was awful). I also said I wanted to die. I kinda still do. I'm not going to do anything (if anyone is reading this, which I don't think) don't panic or worry or whatever. But you know. There it is.
I've been thinking today about death and wishing for it. If I remember correctly, the first time I wished I would just die was when my grandpa died. Losing him was hard for me. Next month it'll be ten years, and I still miss him. But yeah... I remember being in the hospital on the fourth floor when he was in the ICU. I remember leaning against the window and wishing it would just break and I'd fall through.
I wanted to die then because grieving was too hard. The weight of that loss was too much, and I didn't know how to function without the constant love and support and validation he provided for me.
But I didn't die. I survived that and here I am now. Nothing horrible has happened and still... I feel now like I wish the ground would open up and swallow me. I don't know why this is. Like... sometimes it scares me how little I care. Sometimes I legitimately wish to die in my sleep when I get in bed. But other days I'm like "huh, that was a dumb feeling yesterday, I'mma keep living" so I don't even know.
In other news, my birthday is in a month and two days, and today my present arrived. EEEEeeeeeh.
I'm going to be 27. Isn't that awful?
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