Sunday, March 8, 2015

Today I spent a surprising amount of time looking at the facebook page of an acquaintance from high school.  Not because I missed her or anything... I just... she has a baby.  A lot of people I went to school with are now married and they have kids.  I can think of three girls off the top of my head that married guys that were a little older and had kids from previous relationships -- instant mom.  And we all know where this is going.  I can admit (here on my blog no one reads) that I'm incredibly jealous.

Now, I have no right to be.  My life is just ticking away.  Time is wasting, and I'm the one wasting it.  I can't be mad that other people have what I want... they wanted the same thing so they went and got it.

The older I get, literally with each month that passes, I feel less and less like it'll actually ever happen for me.

I mean, it's probably just as well.  I'm dumb.  I barely know how to take care of myself.  Got the scars to prove it.
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1 comment:

  1. AnonymousMarch 18, 2015 at 4:51 PM

    Dear Bre,

    I found your blog by some strange chance during an afternoon of sitting on the floor hunched over a laptop reading the blogs of my friends, the blogs my friends follow, and the blogs my friends' friends follow.

    We have never met, and I fully expect that we will never meet, but I would like to let you know that your writing spoke to me profoundly. I know too well the feeling of not-quite-depression, of numb disappointment in yourself, of needing to matter to someone more than anyone else in the universe, of looking at the people around you who are Doing Things with their lives and wondering why you don't seem to be moving in the same direction.

    And it's tough. Life is tough for people who understand their feelings. But I want you to know that, although my entire knowledge of you comes from just your writing on the internet, I believe in you. You put into words exactly what I feel on a daily basis, and it's clear that you are an intelligent, articulate, thoughtful person with tremendous capability.

    So I would like to present you with three things: a statement, a piece of advice, and a request.

    My statement is this: You are not a "dull girl." You very obviously Think About Things. Part of life is what you do and how you change the world, of course, but an even bigger part, in my opinion, is how you perceive the world, what it means for you to be conscious and breathing and living.

    My advice: meet as many people as you can. Believe me, I know how unappealing the idea of interacting with lots of people who you may never form any relationship with might be to introverts like you and me, but I know that (as scarce as they might be) there are other people in the world as reflective and introspective as you. And the world is filled with people who yearn to be cared about.

    And finally, my request: Relish your life. You wrote above that your life "is just ticking away." There are big moments in life, and there are small moments in life, and I ask, if you don't mind, that you take pleasure in the small ones even while you wait for the big ones. My request, then, is that you keep a list (or at least try it for a week) of 3 small happinesses you experience each day. The happiness of a sunny day. The happiness of seeing a baby smile. The happiness that comes from eating chocolate. Just any 3 happinesses that lend meaning to your everyday existence.

    I will probably not be returning to this blog, so there is no need to reply to this comment.

    I wish you all the best in realizing how meaningful your life truly is. Because for just an hour or so, while I was focused on reading your words on this "blog no one reads," you were the center of my attention, you were, to me, momentarily, my "very favorite person in the entire world."

    Very, very sincerely,
    J

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