So today has been weird. At times I was fine -- pretty good even. Other times I was quite low. Last night was the same way. It was what I've often described as my rubber ball mood. Bouncing up and down, so fast... I can barely keep up. And right now, I just feel weird. I feel off and wrong somehow, and I just want things to make sense.
Part of it, I'm thinking, is coming from my birthday. I'm not looking forward to it. I'm looking forward to my birthday present, but I don't care about the day. It's not a reason to celebrate that I'm still here, because if I'm being totally honest, I don't really want to be. It's supposed to be this day where everyone who loves you just reminds you how happy they are that you're here, but no one is happy about it. I don't see what I contribute to anyone or anything, and I honestly can't blame other people for not being all that enthused about my existence.
And like... this isn't even a particularly negative feeling for me. It's just kind of *shrug*. I just don't care what happens to me anymore and I'm not even sad about it. It just is. It probably sounds like I'm really sad, and I guess I am low, but I'm not like... feeling sadness. I guess it's another numb thing... and now I feel dumb. Usually whenever I "feel weird" it's this. I should have realized that sooner and it would have made sense sooner.
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