Okay

I've been all right the last couple of days, which is cause for celebration.  Some of the haze has lifted, and I'm really feeling the relief of that.  I know it's cyclical for me usually, so sometimes it's really bad for a couple of weeks and then it'll let up for a while.  It doesn't really help during the bad time to focus on the fact that that is what has happened in the past... but I'll try it anyways next time.

I'm still lonely though.  I guess that's unrelated.  I'm lonely and sometimes feel alone.  I feel like an obligation to people.  I realize it's me being sensitive, it's my mean brain telling me things I don't need to hear... that likely aren't even true... but still.  It's hard to escape those thoughts when they're lurking in every corner of my brain.

I try though.

I often feel like I drive people away just by being myself, but I don't know any other way to be.  I used to be really different, I'm realizing.  My energy level was higher, I was better at interacting with people, my fuse was longer, my sense of humor was different.  I wish I could be that person again... but I think at this point I've hurt her enough that she isn't coming back.

The options are this or nothing, and really "nothing" isn't even an option.