i have feelings

Yesterday was good.  I hung out with my cousin and we went to Free Comic Book Day and then to see The Avengers: Age of Ultron after.

I've been kind of up and down lately.  Yesterday was mostly up.  Today is mostly down.  And I want to die.

It's amazing how I manage to have so many problems without having any actual problems.  Like... I have a place to live.  I have food to eat (even when it's a struggle to do so) and I have a family, a couple of friends, and some beautiful pets.  I even have my health for the most part.  Yet I will still manage to be upset and sad about trivial things or just feel empty and not know how to deal with it.

People say to love yourself, as if it's easy to just start.  I want to love myself and forgive myself for being sad sometimes and for not taking good care of myself and for literally hurting myself.  But I don't know how.

I wonder what I was like before I was this depressed mess.  Did I used to know how to love myself?  I genuinely don't know if I ever did.