Christmas Cupcakes

I thought I'd do something completely out of character for this blog, and instead of complaining about something, I'm going to write about baking.  In particular, the cupcakes I made for Christmas.  Now, I know Christmas isn't a big cupcake holiday, but I was just in that sort of mood.  I was going to make a proper cake, but I wanted to do something different.

I was thinking about making a spice cake (which I made for Thanksgiving) but with a different frosting.  Last time I did cream cheese, so I thought I'd do something with cinnamon this time.  My google search for "cinnamon frosting" didn't turn up much, but it did turn up this wonderful blog called Sweet Tooth... and I decided I simply had to make a variation on her Mardi Gras Cupcakes!

In her recipe, she did three colored cupcakes, but I only had one thing of food coloring in a holiday appropriate color (green), so I did that.  She used a boxed yellow cake mix and modified it by adding buttermilk, but I didn't have a cake mix (and enjoy doing it from scratch anyways), so I used my go-to yellow cake recipe from my Better Homes and Garden New Cookbook.  I did sub the milk for something approximating buttermilk (a mix of water and the little bit of instant buttermilk powder* I had left, plus skim milk with a bit of cream of tartar added to make up the difference), but it didn't gave the recipe as much of a "kick" as I hoped it would.  Next time I'll use the method Erica used in her recipe and see if that does what I figured it would.

* Note: This is available in your grocery store for about $3-4.  I merely linked to amazon to show a pic of the can... I had no idea what it looked like when I first found out about it.  =P

The frosting was a revelation, though.  Since I only made a dozen cupcakes, I did a half recipe for the frosting.  But I did add a bit more cinnamon to it.  I LOVE cinnamon, and I wanted a slightly more noticeable taste.  I also used margarine instead of butter, since that's what we had on hand (and is what we have most often, due to my mom's lactose intolerance).  And me being the weird type that I am, I mixed the frosting (and the batter as well) with no more than my whisk -- electric mixers are too much trouble and I have arms for a reason. =P  I was pleasantly surprised that the frosting took on a bit of that cinnamon color and looked really festive with the green cakes.  The frosting was also surprisingly light and fluffy... really delicious.  May have equaled or topped my penuche icing as my favorite!  And now I really want to get a piping bag... how much more gorgeous would these have been with fancy frosting? =)

I wished I had had sparkling sugar or sprinkles or even gumdrops to decorate them, but alas, I did not.  But these were definitely a hit... my first cupcakes from scratch, and the recipe is certainly a keeper.

These were an amazing companion to my famous homemade gingerbread which I heavily dusted with powdered sugar to up the Christmas fun when I was done baking. =P I made it snow!  (Also included in this bonus photo are the super tasty old-fashioned potato candies made by a friend).  Yes, this is one indulgent plate... and here's my little secret: that was my Boxing Day breakfast! LOL

Note to self: improve photography skills if you plan to do this food blogging thing again!

I know this is an emotional time for me, but damn.

I've been home for like two hours, and I've been depressed for like two hours.  Coincidence?  You decide.


Have you ever felt like everything in the world was beating down on you at once?  And you know there's nothing you can do to make it better.  I feel like I've been kicked in the teeth and punched in the head just by life.  I feel like everyone and everything in the world is setting out to pick us clean.

I've been really close to tears like eight times in the past couple of hours.  I had one crying fit in my bedroom.

I just want everything to not suck anymore.  I don't want to live this life anymore.


Sometimes I just want to cut off all my hair, assume some fake identity, and move across the country and not let anyone know I was leaving.


I'm sad and angry.  And I just want to scream.



REALLLLLLY LOUDLY.




Seriously.


Nothing has worked out the way I planned for like the past decade.  I know, that's life.  I'm not trying to whine... I just... I need to vent.  Because no one wants to listen to me.

And it's my blog, so I can be as annoying as I want.

Black Friday (Or, What the Fuck Was I Thinking???)

So, I realize my blog has been a bit neglected.  Sorry... yeah, I'm a big loser.  Since the beginning of November, I've been writing a freaking book for crying out loud (for NaNoWriMo), but I don't have any excuses for before that.  But there you go.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, I have a harrowing tale.

I went Black Friday Shopping.  Well, since Black Friday has become kind of like Christmas (which slops all the way over until just before Halloween), it now slops over onto the afternoon/evening of Thanksgiving.  I went to Wal-Mart (which is not my favorite store to begin with) on Thursday night to be a part of the sales insanity that was to start at 10 o'clock.

We got there at 9:15 or so.  I wanted to go a little earlier because I knew it would be super crowded, but my mother has this ridiculous idea that people ought to spend holidays with their family and not leave a family dinner in the search for a deal... yadda yadda.  Well, we got to this place and it was a freaking mad house.  We went inside and grabbed a basket.  My mom headed to the restroom and as I was walking I saw people in the freaking checkout lines  (well before 10:00) with the stuff I was there to buy!  I freaked.  So I had to try and navigate the basket by myself through this insane crowd.

I got around to the sewing machines (which was the main thing I was dying to get), plopped one down in my cart, and tried to head back to the front part of the store to find my mom.  But my gawd, the place seemed even more crowded going back the other way.  I tried to stay near the front of the store so I could find my mother, but the crowd was moving as such as solid block that I had to stick with traffic.  At that point I just accepted that I wouldn't be seeing my mother again... I figured that, like me, I was a Black Friday orphan.

I did eventually meet back up with her.  And together we found the small appliance section.  We were after a Black and Decker blender and coffee pot, both on sale for $9 and change.  The small appliance section was packed so tight I "accidentally" shouted, "it's like Woodstock in here!"  I left my mom in control of the basket and had to fight through the crowd myself.  I was able to grab one of the coffee pots (which was one of the few remaining in a small stack).  The blenders, however, seemed to be gone.  This might have had something to do with the smug assholes with 5 of them in their carts, but whatever.  We actually ended up getting another (slightly inferior) blender for a couple dollars more, but hey, we needed a blender.

So we went to the register (which was a ridiculously long trip because of the damn crowds), and waited behind several people that seemed to be confused about how to pay for the purchases and how to get a Wal-Mart card... all kinds of crap like that.

But we finally got through there, walked back to the Lowe's parking lot (because the Wal-Mart one was completely jam packed), and got the hell out of there.  Overall, we got back in the car about an hour and a half after we had originally pulled into the parking lot.  It was the longest hour and a half of my life.

But for $78 , we got a sewing machine, blender, and coffee pot... all things that we needed.  So I can't complain.  Much.

My idea of a happy post

Well, I've noticed that my last few posts (probably all of my posts, actually) have been written when I wasn't in a happy frame of mind.  They're all moody, sad, angry, or resigned.  So I decided I would write a happy post.

But... I'm not happy.

I mean, it's not as if I'm particularly unhappy at the moment, I'm just sort of neutral.  But in my life, neutral is good.

The last few weeks have brought me a case of tonsilitis, a major crisis with my best friend, more wrestling with my own emotions and whatnot, and a possibly pregnant cat.  So, with all that stuff looming just behind me, I'm pretty happy to be sort of neutral.

There.  I knew if I searched long enough I'd find some happiness.  =)

Common Law Divorce

A few months ago, my aunt and uncle broke up.  My aunt found this new guy and said she wanted a change.  They were together for 23 years... as long as I've been alive.  And then they broke up, and that was it.  And because she is my mother's sister and he is her ex, I just figured that was it.  We wouldn't be seeing him anymore... and I was sad about that.  I miss him... I still think he's a good guy.  

I don't have a problem with her new boyfriend.  He seems nice, he's really funny, and she's really happy so I'm happy for her.  But they act like a couple of teenagers... it's almost disgusting.  I have a little trouble really saying that I like her new boyfriend.  It's just weird to me... he's just here all of a sudden and we're all supposed to look at him as a part of the family.  But... he's not my uncle.  He's not anything more to me than my aunt's boyfriend.  Again, it's nothing against him... I just... I need to adjust, I guess.

The other night, my uncle turned up on our porch.  Very drunk and depressed.  He still really, really loves her and hopes she'll come back to him.  And he kept making sure we know that he still thinks of us as family.  And honestly, I think of him the same way.

What I guess I'm trying to say is that family doesn't have to be blood.  It doesn't even have to be through marriage.  Your family should be the people you love and care about... the people you know would be there for you if you needed them.  I have friends that I consider to be like family.  The neighbors on either side of my house are like extra grandmothers.  And my aunt's ex is my uncle... even if he's nothing but bad memories to her.  That's just the way it is.

If you can't be with the one you love...

... love the one who's not going to try to kill you.

I recently found out that a very dear, old friend got hurt really badly because of her boyfriend. I'm ashamed to say that I got a funny vibe from him but didn't say anything to her because I didn't feel it was my place. He had been violent in the past and others had expressed concern but no one got anywhere with her.

I understand when you care about someone you're more likely to overlook flaws, but a dangerous personality is something far worse than a little bad habit.

I'm alone... no boyfriend. Sometimes I think to myself, "okay, I'm getting desperate" but I am not so desperate that I'd be willing to deal with someone who I didn't feel safe with. But even as I say this, I know that my friend was not desperate when she met this guy. She doesn't have to settle. Maybe she rushed in... maybe he hid his temper. I don't know.

When something like this happens, it makes me not want to trust anyone ever again. But that's not a healthy attitude. It is smart, however, to be on your guard.

If anyone happens to be reading this that is with someone that has shown signs of a violent or aggressive temperament, don't take any chances.

Rotten

Sometimes I feel like a bad person. I get jealous when I see the exciting lives other people have. I don't want to hear about the fun my friends have without me. I don't want to know about your awesome plans. I shouldn't feel like this, but I do.

It sucks to always pretend I feel otherwise. I can't be honest about how I feel because I'm ashamed of it. I know I actually should be happy for other people and not be so petty, but most of the time I can't.

But I'm not really mad. I am jealous... but not because I feel other people's lives are better than mine but because I'm so unhappy with my own. That may seem like a small distinction, but trust me... it's a big difference. I wish I could find a job... then I'd be able to get out in the world and meet people. I'm always feeling like I have so few friends and no friends that actually want to spend time with me/ have time to spend with me... maybe if I met new people I could make a friend who would like to hang out with me. I'm always lonesome and sad because I don't have romance in my life... maybe I wouldn't be as sad about that if I had a best friend. I used to have a best friend, but we grew apart. She was easily able to replace me... but I don't want to replace her. I want another friend who can mean as much to me as she always has. Don't get me wrong... I love and adore all of my friends... I just need a friend who needs me a little more.

That's why the title of this post is "rotten." I'm a rotten person, clearly a rotten friend (or else I'd have more friends), and I feel rotten about all of it.

Grow Up, Buckingham Alice!

So, earlier this evening (or morning or whatever) I watched the new Fairly Odd Parents movie on the DVR. Grow Up, Timmy Turner! was pretty great. I actually almost cried at one point (I won't say why because I hate spoilers). I have a well-documented love of Drake Bell and the FOP, so this movie was a good marriage for me. It was quite sweet and didn't talk down to the audience.

There were a few things I didn't care for. Chester and A.J. (Timmy's best friends on the show) were complete tools. They were really mean to Timmy! I didn't like that. On the show, they come off as very true and loyal friends. I didn't expect them to stay in fifth grade with Timmy for 13 years, but I also didn't expect them to shut him out. Vicky's involvement in the film was minimal (although I guess that's to be expected, since he doesn't really need a baby-sitter anymore) and there was no reference to the fact that she and Tootie are sisters. There was no Trixie Tang, no Mark Chang (which severely bummed me out since he's like one of my favorite characters ever), no pixies, no Chip Skylark, no Crimson Chin, no Crash Nebula... I was hoping to a lot of little things like that. I call that sort of call-back a "love letter to the fans" and this movie unfortunately had none.

But here's what struck me most of all: I'm like Timmy Turner, just sans fairies. He's 23 (I'll be 23 next month), he lives at home with his parents, doesn't have a job, doesn't drive, and is still in the fifth grade (okay, I'm out of elementary, but still). I have a lot of kid in me... but I guess my goal is to become a grown up but not to let the kid in me die. I really do intend to have a job and money and my own roof and wheels at some point (hopefully sooner, rather than later) but I can still like kiddie shows and books and dolls. I mean, Timmy acts like a child on purpose... I don't actually act like a child most of the time. I just share a lot of interests with the average child.

But damn. If I could get me some fairy godparents today, I'd be all over that.

Unpopular Opinions: You bet I do!

So, earlier I was thinking about something I think about (you know, metacognition) when I realized that I hold a lot of really unpopular opinions as near and dear. So, being that I've been on this big kick of trying to achieve self-actuality, be totally honest with myself and the world, and excise unnecessary stress (like the kind you might deal with if you were keeping a bunch of shit inside), I'm coming clean.

1. I don't like watching hour-long dramas. I've always been a sitcom person, but I never use to mind hour long dramas much, but lately, I can't stand them. They completely turn me off and make my head hurt. I think my attention span has changed some (hence the continued approval of sitcoms) but I also think I have no desire to watch drama when my life is... not fun. If I'm going to watch TV, it needs to take me out of my situation and make me laugh and/or feel happy.

2. For the most part, I hate action movies. When I see previews for those big, special effects extravaganzas, I yawn and roll my eyes. On Easter, my family was watching this movie Derailed (starring Denzel Washington, Chris Pine, and a train) and I was watching my aunt's dog.

3. He may in fact be batshit crazy and completely out of control, but I still love Charlie Sheen. I have for years and years now, and I probably always will.

4. I think they should outlaw child beauty pageants, and furthermore I think they should imprison stage moms.

5. I think different types of alcohol have different effects on the mood. White wine makes me happy and relaxed. Red wine makes me happy and overly-friendly. Cocktails make me giggly.

6. I'm attracted to a lot of male celebrities that aren't traditionally seen as heartthrobs such as Kevin Smith, Tyler Labine, the late Phil Hartman, the late John Ritter (although he was pretty damn cute in a totally traditional way during the Three's Company years), Brian Williams from the NBC Nightly News, Jon Stewart, and countless others.

7. Most celebrities and athletes are not admirable figures. No reality tv stars are in any way admirable.

8. While I really like several GaGa songs and totally appreciate what she's all about, I find her really overrated.

9. I think it's possible to like someone or something and find that thing overrated at the same time. This is how I feel about several things (like Lady GaGa, Family Guy, Twilight, and many others).

10. I don't find baseball boring (although I have no interest in playing it).

Royal Wedding (Oh yes, I'm going there.)

So, I know when you were all eagerly watching the royal wedding you were thinking to yourself, "yes, that's fine, Katie Couric, but what does Bre think about all of this????" Well, I intend to tell you.

I'll start by saying that I had not planned to watch the wedding. It's not that I have anything against William or Kate or Britain or anything... I just, I dunno. I'm quite single, so weddings depress me. Being a single girl with dozens of friends who are married, engaged, heavily involved, parents, or some combination of those things and watching a wedding (in person or on television) is like going to a Holocaust memorial... even though what you're seeing doesn't directly affect you, you're just not going to get out without being heavily depressed.

But for the last two days, my mom has watched the Bio channel on and off, and they've shown about a thousand wedding specials. And I began to get curious about the dress and the hats and what not. And, you know, I do enjoy a romance... and I adore princesses. Plus, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't completely taken with Catherine Middleton... she seems so lovely.

So we decided to DVR it. We watched it Friday afternoon... and I was amused. At times. Okay, I'll start with the important thing. Kate looked lovely. Her hair was half up and half down (which is what I expected) and she had these beautiful new earrings which were apparently a gift from her parents. She was wearing a lovely, delicate, elegant, and classy tiara that was a gift to the Queen on her 18th birthday. I would have chosen a larger tiara, but the one she wore was rather fitting for her, and it looked appropriate with her whole ensemble. And the dress? Perfection. Now, a lot of people have commented that it was too simple, but that's kinda her style. I may be biased, because it's similar to the dress I always imagine myself wearing at my fantasy wedding (if ever I have one), but it was wonderful. Lace sleeves for the win.

And William was a sight as well. I'm glad he wore a military uniform instead of a morning suit (for, as Lydia Bennett would say, "A man looks nothing without regimentals!"). He chose his red Irish uniform, which was perfect because red is my favorite color, and yes, the groom should have a bit of flash about him on the big day, too. But the thing that stood out the most was hair, or lack there of. He's 28, and he's balder than his father! I have to say, he got married just in time... he's got so little hair, and he's starting to get a bit horsey in the face (just a bit... he's used to be rather handsome, and he's still rather cute).

Pippa looked amazing. And I know it's English custom for the maid of honor to match the bride (i.e. white dress), but I would not want my sister looking amazing in a white dress on my big day. (Furthermore, I'd have anyone who dared come in white forcibly ejected... but that's just me.) Harry looked quite nice as well. He still seems to have enough hair, and his uniform really went well with his coloring.

As for the guests, I was happy to see Posh and Becks. He looked great... she looked pretty good, but the hat was ish. I was really delighted to see Sir Elton John. I love him. He's getting so pudgy nowadays that he sort of waddles, and his suit made him look like the Penguin. And I've never in my life seen anything like the hats on the Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie. Beatrice's defied gravity. Eugenie's has an odd sort of charm, though.

All that church crap was as to be expected... dull. I'm still puzzled by his choosing not to wear a ring (custom or no, my husband is gonna have a ring).

That kiss on the balcony was wonderful. Maybe next time they're in public together, he'll shake her hand.

So, now that we're all thoroughly up to speed on what happened, here's what I was hoping would happen, for it would have made for great TV:

- I wanted Queen Elizabeth to do something dramatic and attention seeking. Smack Kate or something.

- I wanted them to embrace during that kiss on the balcony. And I wanted him to grope her ass just a little, and her to giggle and playfully shove him.

- I wanted Harry to say something saucy to Pippa, causing her to giggle loudly in the church.

- When the princes were arriving, I wanted some militant or something to take a shot at William. Harry would cry out either "That's my brother!" or "God save the future king!" and dive in front of him, taking the bullet. William would fall to his knees, weeping for his brother. Then, Harry would lift his shirt, revealing a bullet proof vest he'd thought to wear in case of such an instance. The guards would capture the would-be assassin and beat him to a pulp on live TV.

And at this point, I'm still hoping to see pictures from that dinner and dance that Charles threw for the new couple. I'm dying to see them dancing to "Gold Digger" or "Single Ladies." I want to see some nightclub style moves... and I'm hoping she's lifting her dress a bit. And my wish of all wishes, is to see William, the future king, raise the roof. What more could I ask for?

Bricks

So, I'm continuing my journey to self-discovery. Or self-diagnosis... or whatever.

I've decided to keep a log in which I'm going to record when I have these irrational mood swings. This isn't the log, of course, but I'm taking instances from them and going into detail. I'm writing this on my blog instead of in the log or something else private because I'm much more likely to revisit it here, and that's my intention.

I'll be feeling perfectly normal and then some completely irrelevant thing will have me near tears. These are the most common mood swings. There are rarer beasts though... at one point, I had this weird moment where I went to a really happy high for some reason, and then I crashed a moment later. There was a reason... something made me happy, but as soon as I crashed, I couldn't remember it.

Last night when I was in bed, I was trying to read, but I couldn't concentrate a bit. My thoughts kept straying very heavily to something I want... I felt completely out of control of them, and that's an entirely new feeling. It was like an ADD moment, except I don't have ADD. This was the most puzzling episode (besides waking up this morning after two hours or sleeping and being convinced my clock was wrong because it seemed I had been asleep longer).

This afternoon I had a really bad feeling. I was feeling average, and then suddenly I felt discontent. I wasn't really sad or unhappy, but quite discontent. And interestingly enough, I didn't think there was much of a distinction between those terms until I was experiencing it. It's hard to explain. My discontent weighed me down for a while... in my log, I described it as a brick resting in (or, probably more accurately, on) my psyche. I've had that brick feeling before, but I still don't know what to do with it.

But almost all of these feelings pass with adequate distraction. It's weird, and probably not the best way to deal with things. But what other options do I have?

Time wasting survey FTW

1. What is in the back seat of your car right now?

You know. Fairy dust and the like. I don't have a car.

2. When was the last time you threw up?

I ate something that went down the wrong way a couple of months ago...

3. What’s your favorite word or phrase?

"Seriously?"

4. Name 3 people who made you smile today?

Tony, Angela, and Mona on Who's The Boss (yes, I did just say that)

5. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?

Sleeping, probably

6. What were you doing 30 minutes ago?

Computer

8. Have you ever been to a strip club?

No

9. What is the last thing you said aloud?

"G'night"

10. What is the best ice cream flavor?

Peppermint

11. What was the last thing you had to drink?

Water

12. What are you wearing right now?

PJs and Disneyland hoodie

13. What was the last thing you ate?

Meatloaf and brown rice for dinner

14. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?

I haven't gotten new clothes since like the 40s.

15. When was the last time you ran?

I don't run. Although I did sorta skip to the kitchen yesterday...

16. What’s the last sporting event you watched?

Probably the Super Bowl. *gag* I hate gridiron football.

17. If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?

Italy. A friend's house.

19. Ever go camping?

In a manner of speaking.

20. Have you ever lost anything down a toilet?

Heavens no.

22. What is your guilty pleasure?

Sitcoms.

23. Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?

I tend to do this one: =)

24. Do you drink your soda from a straw?

If it's a fountain drink, sure.

25. What did your last text message say?

I don't get text messages. Well, I get them but don't send them because my phone hates me.

26. Are you someone’s best friend?

No. Everyone has made that pretty clear.

27. What are you doing tomorrow?

If everything goes according to plan, I'll be reading Nancy Drew and The Ghost of Blackwood Hall.

28. Where is your mom right now?

Sleeping.

29. Look to your left, what do you see?

Doorway.

30. What color is your watch?

Who am I, your father? I don't wear a watch.

31. What do you think of when you think of Australia?

Koalas...

32. Ever ridden on a roller coaster?

Yeah... But I'm not a big fan.

33. Birthstone?

Peridot

34. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive through?

Drive through usually.

35. Do you have any friends on Facebook that you actually hate?

Hate takes too much energy.

36. Do you have a dog?

I used to. I miss him so, so much. I want another one.

37. Last person you talked to on the phone?

My aunt.

38. Have you met anyone famous?

A couple.

39. Any plans today?

I never have plans.

40. From whom did you get this?

Ronni (lilrongal) on facebook.

41. Are you happy?

Sometimes. Not now.

42. Where are you right now?

Desk.

43. Biggest annoyance in your life right now?

Don't get me started. It's snoring on the freaking couch right now.

44. Last song listened to?

I'm not sure. But earlier I had "In the Mood" by the Glenn Miller Orchestra in my head.

45. Last movie you saw?

Pride and Prejudice

46. Are you allergic to anything?

Penicillin

47. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?

I have these pinstriped black flats that are super comfy. They're kinda trashed now because I wear them so much.

48. Are you jealous of anyone?

Occasionally. Often, actually.

49. Are you married?

I can't even get a guy to take me to the store.

50. Is anyone jealous of you?

I couldn't imagine why anyone would be. And I kinda feel sorry for them if they are.

51. What time is it?

5:43 AM

52. Do any of your friends have children?

Yes.

53. Do you eat healthy?

I try to eat sort of smart. I make some healthy choices, but I should probably work a little harder at it.

54. What do you usually do during the day?

The same thing I do at night.

55. Do you hate anyone right now?

See number 35

56. Do you use the word ‘hello’ daily?

Yes, actually. I didn't use to, but I tend to these days.

57. How many kids do you want when you’re older?

At least 2.

58. How old will you be turning on your next birthday?

23.

59. Have you ever been to Six Flags?

Yes.

60. How did you get one of your scars?

I have a Jonas scar. I got pushed down at a Jonas Brothers concert once. I was wearing a denim skirt, and I cut my leg. It was worth it.

Maladjusted Little Freak

So, back to my emotional problems. YAY...

Okay. So, I'm really emotional all the time these days. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to cry at things like montages on sitcoms or old pictures or cute things my cats do. Sometimes I'm really, really angry. Like I feel like the world is out to get us, and it pisses me off. Everyone seems to suck... but you know, it can't be everyone. It must be me. Sometimes I can't rally the energy to do anything more strenuous than lay in bed next to my cat O'Malley and read a book. Small disappointments feel like roundhouse kicks to the chest. I'm paranoid. I'm lonely. I hate my life sometimes. Most of the time.

I don't know why I feel like this. Some days are pretty okay, and others are horrible. This one isn't exactly horrible, but it's pretty bad.

Am I crazy? Well, I should ask, am I crazier? I've always been sorta off.

The only things that can really make me feel happy and/or enthusiastic are material things and otherwise unimportant things.

I'm starting to feel like writing this all down might help me or at least help me understand myself. Is that possible? Maybe making this public will make me accountable to myself? I can usually feel better when I concentrate on it... perhaps that's what I have to do.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to watch Drake & Josh.

Nancy Drew (long epic post - Pt. 2)

So when we left off, I had found out all about the past Nancy Drew history. And I had chosen not to use my knowledge at all really, except for the fact that I like to know things. (When I feel smart for knowing useless trivia, it's just one more thing to congratulate myself on.)

Anyways, I hadn't purchased any vintage Nancy Drews or reprints or anything. In fact, I had almost completely forgotten about it. And then, one day when I was on my American Girl message board, I saw a little discussion about Molly's mini Nancy Drew book, and that brought her back to my mind.

And the very next time I was looking for Baby-Sitters Club books, I found a seller on eBay with this amazingly extensive selection of children's books. I grabbed a few BSC books, a couple Magic Attic books, a Sweet Valley book, and finally, an Applewood Nancy Drew reprint. In my research, I noticed that for whatever reason, the Applewood reprints can fetch high prices (higher than actual original vintage copies, in some cases!), so when I saw this book for BIN $3, I had to snap it up.

Now, it doesn't have a dust jacket, but I don't mind too much. In fact, when I've got some more ink in my printer, I might DIY it. The book I got is #10, The Password to Larkspur Lane. It's pretty wonderful.

A few days ago, for a laugh, I looked up Nancy Drew on the 'bay again. I found a really good looking, original text copy of #25, The Ghost of Blackwood Hall for $10. It even has the dust jacket. And, so yes, I'm getting that one too. It's on the way now, actually.

And there's a six book set of the first six Applewood reprint mysteries I've got my eye on. Direct from Applewood the set is around $75. Kinda ouch, right? I mean, it's not that much, but I'm poor and I collect dolls. And I, you know, want to eat and feed my cats and that sort of thing. *sigh* So, I've decided to ask for it for my birthday. But you know what? I looked the set up on Amazon... and as you may guess, you can get it there for a deep discount! And my dear mother, who's generally willing to follow me at least part way down any rabbit hole because it's just easier that way, said she's willing to buy it for me next time she has some spare cash! So that's something to look forward to.

So that's the end of the saga for now. And, in case you're worried, I'm not going to start any sort of serious Nancy Drew collecting. There's too much to collect and I get caught up in it easily. Nancy can be a sort of side hobby. For now anyways. =)

Nancy Drew (long epic post - Pt. 1)

I didn't grow up with Nancy Drew. I had a couple of her books as a kid, but that was it. I was more into the Baby-Sitters Club and American Girls. But I fell down this Nancy Drew rabbit hole some time back pretty much by accident. I was at a thrift store looking for books one day and came across a Nancy Drew mystery from the mid 80s. I bought it, enjoyed it for what it was, and commented to myself how that wasn't that Nancy Drew that I remembered. So I went looking for my childhood copies, and I couldn't find the one I most wanted: #1: The Secret of the Old Clock. So I hopped on eBay and looked for a copy (I ended up buying a double volume of #1 and #2, The Hidden Staircase).

While I was looking for that book, I saw any number of really old and expensive Nancy Drews. I didn't think anything of them at the time though. In the meanwhile, the eBay book came... I read it and loved it more than I remembered. I also reread the other Nancys I had left from childhood. That was the end of Nancy for a while.

Then one day, I was at the antique store (which you will recall I love... and would live there if they'd let me). There was a whole stack of vintage Nancy Drew books for $10 a piece. Now, if you're expecting me to say that I bought them all and went home on detective high, you're going to be disappointed. I didn't buy even one. But I wished I had, because the next time I was there *coughcough* two days later *cough*, there were all gone. So the next time I was online, out of curiosity, I did a little sleuthing of my own and looked into the history of Nancy Drew.

And what I didn't know about her could just about fill the Grand freaking Canyon.

I didn't know that there was no such person as Carolyn Keene. It's a pseudonym. I didn't know that there are over 500 Nancy Drew books in various spin off series and that they're still publishing them today. And most importantly, I didn't know that the original 34 Nancy Drew books were revised started in the late '50s. Apparently this was to remove outdated terms and stereotypes etc, but they also shortened the text and changed any number of things. The spunky 18 year old titian haired Nancy I knew was once a feisty 16 year old blonde.

I did a ton of Nancy Drew research. I found out that the original 34 books that were revised have been re-released in their original formats. It was all exciting. I was armed with information... and do you know what I did with it?

I bought Baby-Sitters Club books.

But Nancy would be coming back. And that story will be continued next time...

Social Anxiety

So, there's something that's always on my mind and I've never really told anyone about it. I figure there could be no better place to admit my strangeness than on my blog with a negative amount of readers. =) Although, if you are reading it, don't feel as if you're being invasive and need to leave. I do want to share.

So, I'm pretty sure sure I have like a mild form of social anxiety. I hate leaving my house more than ever. Don't get me wrong... most of the time I hate being here, but leaving makes me feel sorta wobbly, and not in a good way. If I'm leaving my house to go to a friend or relative's house that's no big deal, but anytime I'm going to be in a social setting, I feel anxious. I feel like other people have skills that I don't... like the ability to talk to people you don't really know without wanting to put a plastic bag over you own head. I feel like I'm missing the skills to build proper relationships... and while I point to my boringness for my lack or friends and general appearance for my lack of boyfriend, I can't help but fear that it's the skills (I feel) I'm missing keeping me from branching out to other people. I don't really make friends easily, and meeting new people makes me nervous. I feel like I'll never have anyone new in my life, and I'm probably alienating the people who already are in my life.

Now, I say that I feel this is mild, because the problem doesn't completely disrupt my life. I feel anxious at leaving the house, but the nerves tend to decrease once I'm actually in the situation. I still feel ill at ease, mind you, but I still, you know, function properly and everything. This isn't a crippling problem, per se, but it does bother me.

I wasn't always like this. I didn't use to feel anxious and nervous if someone invited me to a party or an outing or something. Perhaps this is something that has developed in me because of not having school or a job or a social life. I dunno. I guess the point of this post was that it's more or less time that I own it. I figure that I can't begin to build the bridge that will eventually (hopefully) get me over this until I accept and acknowledge that my feelings are probably not completely normal. I don't actually want to become a recluse.