Tuesday, April 11, 2017

a lot of the times i feel like no one listens to me.  no one pays enough attention to care.  people don't... take the time to know jack shit about me or my life, besides the extremely superficial.  and the more that happens, the more i feel like i need to put up walls; if they're going to be outside i'm going to be the one to keep them out there... feels less like rejection that way.  but i still end up alone and it still sucks.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

do da

My two greatest problems are that I'm sensitive -- my feelings get hurt too easily -- and the people around me tend to be highly inconsiderate.  No one pays attention to the things that bother me.  I feel actively disrespected all the time.  And it's hard for me to speak up and say why things bother me... but when I do, people get dismissive and defensive.  I'm often put into the position of being guilted into apologizing for saying that I don't like how I'm being treated.  I should just... fake my death and go start over somewhere else, make new friends who are kinder.  Not have to answer any phone calls from my family.  Be around people who don't know about all my many failures.

Monday, March 20, 2017

parts out for bast

I'm preparing for this discussion I'm leading for the pagan group I belong to.  I'm going to be talking about Bast, and so I'm reading about her ancient festival.  Apparently it was one of the biggest festivals of the year, and when the people would travel to Bubastis the women would just be loud and out of control and when they'd see people on the riverbanks they'd yell at them, and they'd lift their dresses to show off their bits (because fertility!).  Then at the festival there was singing and dancing and people drank more wine than any other time in the year and that sounds like such a fucking blast, man.

Thursday, March 16, 2017

a title

I don't know when the goal to post on this blog once a week became so difficult, but it is.  And here we are several months later.  Little has changed -- I'm still depressed, I still wish I was dead, I still don't know how to deal with jack shit.  Some things have happened -- I now volunteer at the library around the corner from me.  I'm getting kind of independent... or I'm trying to be.

So... yeah.

Right now, I'm ruminating on relationships.  Friendships, romance... all that.  I settle for less.  I settle for less in every area, because I'm terrified that in refusing LESS I will end up with nothing.  I have these friends who hurt my feelings... I don't stand up to them because the thought of being alone, being left AGAIN, scares me so much.  I wonder why I attract people that take advantage of that though.

I'm so weak.

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Another New Year

I was going really good with posting regularly on this blog... but then I just stopped and I'm not sure why.  It was kind of like a diary, since no one reads it lol.  So here in this new year, what am I doing?  I'm trying to get by.  Trying to keep going, with various levels of success.

Good luck in 2017, lads.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

What do I have to be sad about?

Poverty.  Mental illness.  Violent self-loathing.  Loneliness.  The fact that Donald Trump could very well become president.  The fact that in less than a week I'll be 28 fucking years old and have done absolutely nothing of value to absolutely anyone in damn near three utterly wasted decades.

But other than those things? Nothing really.  Everything is fucking swell.

Thursday, July 7, 2016

I hope I die soon.  I'm tired.  I'm so tired.  My life is too much.  Like, they say God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but that's just not true.  Everyone has shit going on that is just too much.  But the difference between me and everyone else is that everyone else isn't a useless piece of shit and can rise to the challenges they're given.  Me, I just worry and cry and hurt myself and pray for death but not have the courage to end it.