Sunday, June 11, 2017
I don't know how to write without it taking a lot out of me. Creative efforts are that way in general, but it feels like there's always a little destruction and devastation before I can produce anything. And then I'm still not happy with any of it... no one appreciate it, because why should they? It's not very good. And I continue to be unhappy. I'm unhappy when I don't write, unhappy when I do. I wish I wasn't a writer sometimes. How much better would my life be if I just gave it up? Gave up hope that I'll do anything with it or ever find it fulfilling again? Probably a lot.
Sunday, June 4, 2017
I wish I had kept track of all the books I've read since I started volunteering at the library. I've been reading so much more, and I'm happy about that. As a kid, I read absolutely voraciously but due to depression it just got harder when I got older. Harder to focus and find the same enjoyment in it. But it's been better lately. Mostly I've been reading kids books and comics and manga, but I have had some grown up books in there. I've read a lot of diverse stuff lately so it's cool. I'll list the titles I remember.
- Currently reading Black Beauty by Anna Sewell
- Joan Crawford: The Essential Biography by Lawrence J. Quirk and William Schoell
- Joan Crawford: The Enduring Star by Peter Cowie
- Pokemon Adventures Manga Volumes 1-7
- Big Hero 6 manga Vol. 1 and Vo1. 2
- Batman Rebirth Vol 1
- Bombshells Vol 1
- The Legend of Wonder Woman
- The Adventures of Supergirl
- I Hate Fairyland Vol 1
- Superman Kryptonite Nevermore
- Island of the Blue Dolphins by Scott O'Dell
- Once Upon a Horse: A History of Horses and How They Shaped Our History by Suzanne Jurmain
- My Little Pony: Rarity and the Curious Case of Charity by G.M. Berrow
- The Ape Who Guards the Balance: an Amelia Peabody Novel of Suspense by Elizabeth Peters
- American Girl Melody No Ordinary Sound and Never Stop Singing by Denise Lewis Patrick
- Fort Solitude: DC Comics Secret Hero Society #2 by Derek Fridols and Dustin Nguyen
Sunday, May 28, 2017
Tuesday, May 16, 2017
“it gets better” they say, emphatically and cheerfully. the uwu is evident in their voice. i survey my life, which has steadily gone down hill for the last decade at least, force a smile and say, “thank you.” it’s what they want to hear, it’s how i can end the conversation.
Thursday, May 4, 2017
Sometimes I just want a way to get away from my feelings, even just for a while. But it's difficult... I don't think there is such a way. No magic "healthy coping mechanism" for me. I think... I think I'm a lost cause. I may never get better, so my choices are either learn to accept that it's always going to be like this, or end it so "always" never happens. But I'm too weak for the former and too much of a coward for the latter. This is why I feel like a lost cause.
Monday, April 24, 2017
I said to someone recently that I didn't feel like the people around me were supporting me, and they asked me what I wanted these hypothetical people to do. I didn't really know how to answer that because it seemed fairly obvious to me -- I'm desperately alone, alternating between desperately empty and desperately sad... and in short, desperately desperate. I'm looking for emotional support. But I didn't know how to put into words what that would entail. I think right now the main thing that would be is I want someone, anyone, to listen to me, really listen to me, and not just wait for me to finish talking so they can have their turn to talk. I get a lot of that... and of people who don't wait for me to finish and just talk over the top of me. I just want to feel heard. I want to feel like someone cares. I would give anything to feel that, I swear on my life I would.