Sunday, June 11, 2017

I don't know how to write without it taking a lot out of me.  Creative efforts are that way in general, but it feels like there's always a little destruction and devastation before I can produce anything.  And then I'm still not happy with any of it... no one appreciate it, because why should they? It's not very good.  And I continue to be unhappy.  I'm unhappy when I don't write, unhappy when I do.  I wish I wasn't a writer sometimes.  How much better would my life be if I just gave it up? Gave up hope that I'll do anything with it or ever find it fulfilling again?  Probably a lot.

Sunday, June 4, 2017

reading is fundamental

I wish I had kept track of all the books I've read since I started volunteering at the library.  I've been reading so much more, and I'm happy about that.  As a kid, I read absolutely voraciously but due to depression it just got harder when I got older.  Harder to focus and find the same enjoyment in it.  But it's been better lately.  Mostly I've been reading kids books and comics and manga, but I have had some grown up books in there.  I've read a lot of diverse stuff lately so it's cool.  I'll list the titles I remember.

Sunday, May 28, 2017

cool story ideas

  • au where i'm happy
  • au where i have a will to live
  • au where i have a support system
  • au where i didn't feel the need to post shit like this lol i hate it too

Tuesday, May 16, 2017

“it gets better” they say, emphatically and cheerfully.  the uwu is evident in their voice.  i survey my life, which has steadily gone down hill for the last decade at least, force a smile and say, “thank you.”  it’s what they want to hear, it’s how i can end the conversation. 

Monday, May 8, 2017

i dont feel strong enough to keep going

Thursday, May 4, 2017

...

Sometimes I just want a way to get away from my feelings, even just for a while.  But it's difficult... I don't think there is such a way.  No magic "healthy coping mechanism" for me.  I think... I think I'm a lost cause.  I may never get better, so my choices are either learn to accept that it's always going to be like this, or end it so "always" never happens.  But I'm too weak for the former and too much of a coward for the latter.  This is why I feel like a lost cause.

Monday, April 24, 2017

I said to someone recently that I didn't feel like the people around me were supporting me, and they asked me what I wanted these hypothetical people to do.  I didn't really know how to answer that because it seemed fairly obvious to me -- I'm desperately alone, alternating between desperately empty and desperately sad... and in short, desperately desperate.  I'm looking for emotional support.  But I didn't know how to put into words what that would entail.  I think right now the main thing that would be is I want someone, anyone, to listen to me, really listen to me, and not just wait for me to finish talking so they can have their turn to talk.  I get a lot of that... and of people who don't wait for me to finish and just talk over the top of me.  I just want to feel heard.  I want to feel like someone cares.  I would give anything to feel that, I swear on my life I would.