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So it's been a while since I posted last.  What happened to that commitment I made to post at least once a week?  Lol, fuck if I know.

Anyways, things haven't been terrible.  My mom has been snippy with me, but I'm dealing.  I go between having an okay level of motivation to none at all.  Like today I was sailing... woke up when I planned to, washed my hair, put on clothes, went around people.  Yesterday I had talk myself into eating, only because I knew I probably should.  The other day, like two days ago, was a really good day, then I struggled all night.

I'm trying really hard.  Sometimes it still feels like not enough but other times it feels like I couldn't possibly be trying any harder.  Idk.

And in other news, I started watching RuPaul's Drag Race.  It's pretty fucking delightful.  And next week there will be new episodes of My Little Pony... fucking yeah, I'm so excited.

Yoooooohoooooooo

So things have happened.

My laptop died.  That was very difficult.  And I won't lie... it was 100% my fault.  So I was mad at myself.  But I got a new one yesterday, and I'm happy about that.  Not crazy about the fact that I created this big expense, but it is what it is.

My younger cousin is pregnant.  I did not take this news well.  (See previous post)

I'm trying really hard still.  I've been up and down, but I feel like more up, maybe?  I don't know.  It seems like maybe there was more up.  That's a good thing.

Today, I was productive as hell.  I did a great many things.  My mother said she was proud.

Also to the person who commented on my last post, I don't know if you'll see this one, but thank you.

Today I spent a surprising amount of time looking at the facebook page of an acquaintance from high school.  Not because I missed her or anything... I just... she has a baby.  A lot of people I went to school with are now married and they have kids.  I can think of three girls off the top of my head that married guys that were a little older and had kids from previous relationships -- instant mom.  And we all know where this is going.  I can admit (here on my blog no one reads) that I'm incredibly jealous.

Now, I have no right to be.  My life is just ticking away.  Time is wasting, and I'm the one wasting it.  I can't be mad that other people have what I want... they wanted the same thing so they went and got it.

The older I get, literally with each month that passes, I feel less and less like it'll actually ever happen for me.

I mean, it's probably just as well.  I'm dumb.  I barely know how to take care of myself.  Got the scars to prove it.

Writing is hard

Sometimes with writing, I get these ideas, and they practically burn me on the inside until I get them out.  I sit down and don't start writing until I've got a bunch of words written.  Those stories tend to turn out pretty good.

That, however, is very rare,

Sometimes I feel like "ahh yes, I want to write" and I sit down and try to do it, but nothing comes out.

This, unfortunately, is more common.

Since depression started kicking me in the teeth, I'll either get the feeling I should write or I'm expected to write... or I'll try to tell myself "it's now or never, so you better make it now."  And then when nothing comes out, I feel like dying.  Like literally dying.

This is me today.

I have all these idea-lets.  Not quite fully formed ideas, but like, little plot bunnies.  Perfect for headcanons, but not whole stories.  But I want to write.  Today was a great day and I felt wonderful and I wanted to write, but nothing happened.  Why can't I just turn on inspiration?  What kind of writer am I really if I can only write when the stars line up just so?

This long whiny rant was easy to write.  Why is fiction so much harder?

Oh

I've forgotten to post here for a good little while.  I know no one is reading this, so it doesn't matter that much... but when you make a commitment to yourself and some nonexistent readers on the internet, you should keep it.  So my apologies.  I don't have a reason for why I've not updated... I just haven't.

In the last week and change, I've been okay.  Not stellar, but not terrible.  That's kind of huge for me.  I've had a number of days in a row where I didn't feel like crap mentally and emotionally or physically.  I did have some yucky days there with cramps and not wanting/being able to eat, but that was explainable and to be expected.

I really liked being okay.  I hope it keeps up.