Hm.

It's really hard to decide to just stop doing the self-destructive thing and then actually do it.  Like I can decide to stop till the cows comes home but it's just not that easy.  It was way easier to start, but I guess that's the case with anything.  Like I want so badly to just wake up one morning and emerge from my blanket cocoon a new person -- a beautiful butterfly of a strong, self-sufficient woman -- but I don't know how.  I try and fail.  Then I get discouraged so I don't try and I still fail (of course) and then I just tell myself, "see, you were right."

I'm caught in this place now where I simultaneously want someone to notice me struggling and then be there to support me and for no one to notice because I would rather not add "generally pitied by those around her" to the things I use to describe myself when I'm mentally degrading myself.

I don't even know.