i'll be there for you

I get really lonely so much these days.  I miss when I was in school and I had this little group of friends.  I wasn't popular at all, but there was a little group of people I liked to spend time with, and I think they liked to spend time with me.  I'd like that again.  I'd like to be in a group like on Friends.  They all see each other all the time and they're so involved with each other's lives, and they're there for each other.  Man, if I had that... I don't know.  It'd be great.

If I did, though, I'd probably screw it up somehow.  I don't really deserve that kind of thing anyways.

So

I've decided I'm gonna start keeping track of these episodes I have -- anxiety attacks, the bad thing I shouldn't do, the like.  I'm hoping that it'll help me make sense of it all in some way and not, y'know, trigger me when I look at it.  And I also hope I don't forget the shorthand I adopted for it, lol.

I don't know if I said, but I had an anxiety attack in bed the other night and I had one just a while ago.  It passed though... I'm calm and feeling better now.  Still slightly uneasy, but better.  I've had no energy (though that isn't really new).  Like I sleep for hours on end and wake up exhausted.  I don't even know.  It's also gotten back to where it's extremely difficult to get out of bed in the mornings again.  I'm sorta using Pluto as my motivation to do it.  He's a dog, he's gotta go out.  He doesn't deserve to have to wait until my mood suits it.  I've also had trouble focusing, and I'm pretty sure I had like a minor depersonalization moment yesterday too.  =/  I'm not a 100% on that one though, I was feeling really, really weird and I don't exactly understand the feelings I was having.  I don't know if I've ever experienced that before... at least not in that way.

This isn't me keeping track of it, btw.  I'm keeping that in a word doc.  This is just me talking about where I am.

I don't want to be where I am anymore.

things

Last time I posted about how I've been really up and down and how it's been hard to keep up.  Lately I've just been down, for the most part.  Like I saw Annie the other day, and it was amazing and made me happy... but there was a little part of me that was sad too, because now I have nothing to look forward to.  And yesterday turned out to be a real tough day for me for various reasons and I did something I shouldn't have.  And I'm just struggling and having a hard time in general and feels like there's nothing I can do to ever get out of this cycle.  *sigh*

rollercoaster

It's getting again to where I'm really up and down.  I'll be great -- so great! -- and then I crash and I'm super low and wondering why I'm even still alive.  Sometimes the shift in mood is caused by something (either something legitimate or something minor) or it'll just happen for no apparent reason.  I can barely keep up with it sometimes.  I'm also getting back to the point where I'm crying one or more times a day.  But you know what?  Didn't cry once today (except for tearing up a little over Superman, which doesn't count).  I'm proud.

I've had trouble getting into the Christmas spirit lately.  It's been like that the last few years.  I'm trying though, but meh.  I've been trying to watch some Christmas movies and specials, which usually helps but you know.  It has helped somewhat, but still.

I also don't know if I mentioned on here before, but I won a raffle prize when I went to Bakersfield Comic-Con.  Still haven't received it and have officially sworn off raffles.

Getting attached to people is literally the biggest mistake you can ever make.  Even when it's great, I can guarantee that at some point you will regret it.  You give them the power to hurt you and they will, without fail in most cases.  But you're so fucked though because if you don't get close to anyone, you're lonely and it hurts so badly.  There's a physical pain you will feel.  It's unpleasant and you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

(title)

You start to realize at a certain point that you're actually an annoying, horrible person.  The mood swings -- either too giddy or too morose, no in between -- would be hard for anyone to keep up with.  You're always complaining.  You don't listen.  You expect too much.  If they don't give a shit about you it's because you haven't given them a reason to.  You literally have nothing of value to offer anyone.  You ain't shit... you're a piece of shit, or maybe garbage depending on your mood.

And you just want desperately to be better and to do better and not to be disappointed when shit goes south as it inevitably does.  You want not to be the kind of person who cries more often than you change out of your pajamas.  But that's not you.  None of it is.  Your best isn't good enough.  It's not good enough to keep you happy.  It's barely good enough to keep you alive.  But at this point you take what you get.

It's December

I finished NaNo the day before yesterday.  And it was a pretty nice feeling.  Not as good as the first time I did it.  I don't feel like the people around me were all that excited for me either, because I've done it before so it's assumed I'll do it again.  Which, yeah.  Having faith in me is awesome.  Not recognizing an accomplishment as an accomplishment is less awesome.  But what are you gonna do.

I also bought some American Girl stuff on the Cyber Monday sale last night, so that was exciting.  There's never really enough money to get fun stuff, so this is a special treat.  Their website was so fucked up though hopefully the order actually went through.

It was pretty great that I started today pretty high.  But because it's me, that didn't last, and now I'm kinda low.  I've probably improved some since my mood first dropped, but meh.  I'm actually just really lonely, and I wish I wasn't.  My eyes immediately start to well up every time I think about being lonely, but the thought does cross my mind and I'm not great at stopping it.  Oh well.

I don't remember if I mentioned last time I posted that Pluto hurt himself, broke his toenail and had been limping around on that foot a lot.  Well, on Friday we took him to the vet and on Sunday the toenail fell off and he's been much better.  It's healing now.

I'm hoping to be able to motivate myself to get into the Christmas spirit this year.  Last year I really tried, but it just didn't really happen.  I want this year to be much merrier, if possible.  Maybe I should start my Christmas movies soon.  I did see Miracle on 34th Street on Thanksgiving, but I think I need more.

maybe if I fall asleep I won't breathe right

So I had an anxiety attack last night in bed.  It's kind of weird when you have anxiety and asthma because who knows which one is the reason you're not breathing right?  But yeah.  I got up out of bed and used my inhaler, which didn't help at all.  Then I kind of realized what was actually happening.  I should have known something was up because I was just entirely too pent up and wide awake, and before I went to bed I was slightly upset and worried about a couple of different things and then for some reason I was trying to take my own pulse but I couldn't get it and I had convince myself that I wasn't dead.  Like that sounds so irrational now, and I even know it was irrational at the time, but still?  But I was past that and I went to bed, but I just couldn't sleep.  My body wasn't ready to relax.  So I was listening to podcasts hoping it would help ease me off to sleep, but it didn't.  After I woke up and took my inhaler, I went to the bathroom and then I came and got on my computer to try and find something online to help me calm down.  But I didn't want to sit in my chair for some reason, so I was on my knees in front of my desk looking at stuff and then I just started crying.  After a while I did calm down and feel better(ish) so I went back to bed and I even eventually fell asleep.  I still feel a little off this morning though.  *sigh*  It's not fun being a train wreck.

Nine days to go

I can't think of a single reason to keep doing this.  NaNo, I mean.  Well, everything tbh.  It's just all so much.  I have literally no responsibilities and nothing going on in my life, and some how it's too much.  The pressure is so high.  I just want to fast forward until like... I don't know when.  A decade from now, maybe.  Twenty years.  I'd settle for December 1st, though.  But that isn't going to happen.  I'm not going to be any better of a writer or any less fail of a human being then either, so I may as well just deal with it now.  I'm behind by a little over a thousand words... that's not even that much, really.  And it just feels impossible.  It feels like there's no way I'll be able to catch up today or tomorrow or any time soon and it's pointless to even try.  I can't get that word "pointless" out of my head nowadays... it's how I feel about everything.  And I really hate myself for being such a negative, crybaby, trashcan of a person.

punching that clock

My life is settling into a very simple routine.  I get when I get up (I haven't quite regulated that) and then I have coffee.  I give O'Malley his urinary tract wellness supplement along with treats for him and the other cats.  I go and check my messages on facebook and tumblr.  I bail water out of the leaky sink every three hours.  I clean the cat boxes every day at three.  I drink a bottle of water at noon, four, eight, and midnight (because I'm trying to stay hydrated and it's hard in the winter).  In between those times, I try to write.  When I'm not doing that, I'm wasting time on tumblr and/or Flight Rising.  I have at least one meal a day (dinner) and I feed the animals before I eat.  If I'm lucky I leave the house once a week.

It's terribly repetitive and dull.  But hey, I'm getting by.  That's pretty good for me.

The writing is going... okay.  Sometimes I'm so fired up about this story and I feel like I can do it and I have all these ideas and they all seem perfect.  Other times I don't want to do it at all.  Every word feels stale.  The whole thing feels flavorless and devoid of any skill whatsoever.  But you say that to anyone and it's like, "well, you've got NaNo blues" so you don't even get to feel like your angst is special.  Writing isn't for the faint of heart, yet here I am, and I don't know how to explain that.

It doesn't take much

to set me off to feeling like absolute crap.  I'm just feeling so small and inconsequential and like I'm just such a bad person.  The worst person.  And I don't know how to chase those feeling away anymore.  The constructive things don't work and the self-destructive things don't work either.  So what do I do?  What are my options now?

Why am I such garbage?

I don't even know anymore.

words, words, words

Today wasn't a terrible day.  I mean, it wasn't like an award winning great day, but I survived.  And yeah, sometimes that's all I can ask.  Sometimes I think my lack of motivation is the reason I'm still alive, so I should probably be thankful for that.

I'm starting to feel a little better about what I'm writing.  The whole opening chapter, I'm pretty sure, is garbage.  I'm not going to be able to use that if I decide to post this story.  But I guess the question Future Bre will be faced with is whether she should rewrite that whole bit or leave it out entirely.  I'm worried the story wouldn't make sense without it, but I also kinda feel like it would.  Like, all of the BS exposition in that first chapter could be peppered throughout the rest of the story (or, in some cases, left out entirely, to be honest... to the betterment of the piece).  But I don't know.  But yeah... I am much more confident in what I wrote after that.  Sure, it needs a lot of polishing, but it's better than how it all began.

But I'm a lazy ass with no motivation so I haven't written a damn word today.  Hence my desire to make a post on this blog that no one reads rather than being productive and actually getting to work.  You see, this is why I fail so much and why I've gotten literally nowhere in life.

Fuuuck, I was trying to be positive, wasn't I?

Okay.  Well.  As I said, I'm more confident in what I've been writing.  The second chapter actually turned out pretty good, I think.  I'm on the third chapter now, and though I'm still near the beginning, this one might be all right too.  And I'm not behind... I need to do today's to stay current, but I'm not behind yet.  So bully for me, honestly.  The way I've been feeling, it is actually a pretty fucking big accomplishment that I've stayed on task for five days.  Good for me.

*mashes keyboard and hopes for words*

NaNoWriMo has begun.  It's the second day and I'm already rethinking the decision to do this and feeling like I'm struggling to keep up.  Plus I'm also working really hard to seem as though I'm excited about this and what I'm doing and blah blah blah.

It doesn't matter.

I could literally write the word "blah" 50,000 times and it would be just as valuable as what I am writing.  I would feel just as fulfilled as I feel now.

What is wrong with me?

I ask if I didn't know.

Halloween

I love Halloween.  It's tied with Christmas as my favorite holiday for a bunch of reasons.  All of them could be summed up by saying it's fun.  I love that Halloween is fun.

But this year, life has been so meh and I've been so blah that I just plain haven't cared.  I don't feel like dressing up (and haven't even really thought about what kind of costume I could throw together... which I usually enjoy doing).  I haven't watched much in the way of Halloween movies.  I haven't pursued candy.

I just don't care.

I can't muster up a fuck to give about anything these days.  I kind of hate that about myself.

uwu

It's been a while, I think.

I've done some pretty cool things since my last post -- got to hang out with a friend who lives far away (at Disneyland no less) and went to the local comic-con.  My other friend had a birthday and I got to celebrate it with her.  I got a haircut and new kicky curls (that are falling by now, but really I'm surprised they've lasted this long).  So that's all been really awesome.

Mentally/emotionally, I've been chugging along okay.  I'm getting by would probably be the best way to describe it.  I feel a little poopish right now because I was going to sit with my niece and nephew (both of whom I love a lot... I was really looking forward to it) but my cousin didn't need me to do it after all.  So yeah... now I'm just sitting home alone reading comic books.  (Or I was reading them... kinda lost focus.  That happens to me sometimes.)

I can tell though that even though things have been going all right and I've been doing some cool and fun things, I'm still not where I should be.  I'm still dealing with whatever.  I've noticed that when I start to get bad, the first thing I lose interest in is my doll collection (followed by keeping up with my TV shows and reading comics).  I'm somewhere between two and three.  But I don't know... I'm not even properly low.  Just lacking in everything.  I'm tired and I don't care.  I don't have the energy to care.  This is one of those phases where most of the time I'm not even sad... there's just nothing going on.  The lights are on but no one is home.

November is going to be here soon, and with it NaNoWriMo.  I'm not at all excited for it or ready for it or looking forward to it.  I don't even really want to do it, but I'm afraid if I don't I'll feel like I'm not doing anything (which honestly I'm not... and I haven't for a really, really long time).  I'm still not even 100% sold on this thing I'm planning to write.  And speaking of writing, I'm planning to get back to my holiday fics and I haven't gotten anywhere with the Halloween one.  I just... I don't know.  It's not like people are really reading them anyways.  Who cares.  I wrote something a while back and a few people liked it but meh.  It wasn't Halloween.  It wasn't much.  I was actually pretty pleased with how it turned out and then it only got like a handful of likes, so clearly I can't trust my own judgment.  But seriously... writing is hard.  And the way I do it, it's also thankless.  No one would care if I didn't do holiday fics.  No one would care if I didn't do NaNo.

Man, I suck at motivating myself.

Fell behind again

I say I'll update about once a week (not that anyone's reading it but w/e) and for a while I was doing that and then some.  And then, I don't know.  Even pretending this is a diary doesn't quite give me the release I'm looking for.  I'm just so put out with the world and my life.  I had such a hard time getting out of bed this morning and like... I've spent most of the day wishing I hadn't, that I hadn't even woken up.

Pretty sure I've said this before but I'm trying so hard and it never seems to make a difference.  It's all still the same.  Maybe that's why I keep losing these chunks of memory?  The days are too bland and all run together in my mind.

This morning, as I was lying in bed, I kept thinking about how it was monday and I've already experienced so many mondays.  Thousands, I wagered (because I didn't have the sense to figure it out).  What would be the point in one more?  How would this monday be different from last monday or next monday... or as far as days in general go, yesterday or tomorrow?  How would my nothing, unremarkable day be any different if I didn't get out of bed.  I just wouldn't have my computer... probably the only difference.  But I got up, because that's what you're supposed to do.  Society expects you to sit upright even when you don't have the energy even for that.  So I dragged my ass out of bed and I've accomplished nothing today.  I don't feel any better than I did, I don't feel like the day counted toward anything.  And I also feel like if I hadn't gotten out of bed, no one would have noticed or cared.  My mom would have just thought I was still asleep and called me lazy whenever she saw me again.  And no one else would have noticed my absence.

I know it's not true, but even so, I can't help but feel like no one cares about me.  No one gives a shit.  I could die and no one would notice until my corpse began to stink.  I don't mean to be so morose, I really don't... and I try to be much more upbeat but sometimes I fail.  (Big shocker.)  Sometimes it's really fucking hard.  Sometimes I just want there to be someone to ask how I'm doing and validate my feelings and support me.

God, I'm so whiny, I'm so sorry for this post

(some title)

I do really well when I have distractions, for the most part.  Something to do, somewhere to go, something to watch, something to listen to.  I need to fill the world around me with distractions.  Interestingly enough, that's easier said than done though.

I should be trying harder, maybe.  I don't know.  Sometimes I put in as much effort as I can... and it makes me feel worse to realize that even that isn't enough.

I don't know.  Actually, maybe I should stop writing about it (because then I think about it more).  Though sometimes talking about it helps... but isn't as easy as writing about it.  I don't know what I should be doing differently (besides the one thing I kinda can't do).

Whatever.

The last week had like alternating good and bad days.  The good ones were great!  The bad ones were really bad.  I felt like I was being jerked around... and my own stupid, malfunctioning brain was the one doing it to me.  It doesn't matter now anyways... I don't remember much of the bad days anyways.  (I hope that's depression and not, like, a brain tumor or something.)

In other news, my wrist has been hurting.  I'm thinking of looking into one of those soviet prosthetic arms like Bucky Barnes has.  And I went and did a grape stomp yesterday and that was really fun.  It hasn't been all bad.  It's never all bad, and for that I honestly am thankful.

xxx

The urge to claw every inch of skin off of my body is particularly hard to resist tonight.

I want to throw things and hurt things and do things.  Maybe I should just scream at the top of my lungs.  It wouldn't solve anything, but maybe it would make me feel better for a moment or so.

I hate things.

could this be called a silver lining?

I just wrote up this long rant at myself for not appreciating the fact that I have it better than some and that it could be worse.  Then I just didn't feel like posting it because I always feel so guilty about carrying on the way I do when it could be worse, but I'm trying not to do that.  I know that I'm supposed to allow myself to feel my feelings and not compare myself to others.  And the fact that plenty of people have it worse doesn't change my situation, nor does it make depression magically vanish.  I'm really, really trying to work on learning this.  Maybe the fact that I didn't post it means I'm making progress?

go fly a kite

It's  been a while since I posted, I feel like?  I dunno.

I've done some fun stuff lately.  I don't know if any of this had happened yet last time I posted, so I just shoot through it: I went to Disneyland and met Princess Aurora.  I took a picture with her and I was grinning like the cat that swallowed the canary.  I went to American Girl Place and Addy got a new dress, and I got two new books (for free!  I had coupons).  And I got a new doll!  Not at AGP, but she came a few days before I went.  (I took her and Addy with me... they both got SO many compliments but especially Addy.)

As for my emotional state, I don't really know how to describe it.  I feel like I'm getting better one day and then I'm really low again the next.  I don't know.  I have been writing a little bit, more than I was, so that's better.

I have been feeling really lonely though.  And just... I am so in need of affection.  Just someone to be warm towards me.  Maybe someone who would hug me without me asking for it first.  Someone who would fucking listen to me for once in my goddamn life.

Right now, I feel like a ragey bitch.  I'm just so pissed at everything for no reason in particular.  And I'm probably hormonal.  And I have terrible cramps that had finally started to feel like they were getting a bit better... but no.

I think I'm going to go lay on my bed and hug Clark plushy.

little

I've been thinking about my kids lately.  A lot, actually.  More than usual.  No, I don't have kids yet, but I want them.  I've always wanted to be a mother some day... and I want it so badly that sometimes (often) I feel an actual physical ache.  It's like that weird feeling I get in my hands when I'm sad and anxious, only it's in my chest... and I have to try and wrap my arms around my body just so I can hold myself together.

So I've been thinking about these kids I don't have... and how much I already love them, even though they haven't even been conceived yet.  I may not be good at much, but I honest to God believe I'd be a good mother.  If I didn't think so, I wouldn't want to do it so badly.  And I am just getting to the point that I'm going to maim the next person who laughs at me when I say that I want babies.  How is that funny?  How is that wrong?  How can you sit there and laugh at me for wanting that?  I really don't understand.

Maybe it's funny because you need a man to get pregnant and the thought of me attracting a man is so laughable.  I mean, sure, I think so too... but laughing to my face seems unnecessary.  After some of the things that have been said to me before, I shouldn't be surprised, yet here I am.  Maybe they think that I'm too unstable to be a good mother... and fair enough.  That's something I worry about as well.  But a lot of people have had depression and anxiety and still were good parents.  It's not like that's impossible.

I just... I don't know.  I want it so bad, and it feels like I've already waited so long.  And with each passing day, it feels a little bit more like it'll never happen.

Stop raining on all my fucking parades

I should be really happy right now, and in a way, I am.  So yay.  =)  But there's something stuck in my craw, I can't let it go... and even worse, I have no safe place to vent about it without it coming back to bite me in the ass.  I mean, I guess I could put it here (since not a lot of people read this blog) but I don't want to take that chance.  I'd like to have someone validate how I'm feeling so I know if I'm being crazy (which, I know... crazy?  ME?  But I'm so stable!)... but I can't.  *sigh*

If this was tumblr, this post would be under a read more link

Today was not a bad one, as far as days go.  Like the actual day itself was uneventful and calm.

But as for my emotional state?  One of the worst I've had in a while.  I was very low and felt hopeless.  Cried several times and had to hug Clark plushy and just... lay on my bed for a while.  I just... I didn't feel like I would survive this afternoon, for one reason or another.

But hey.  You know what?  I did.

I'm feeling a little better now... not ready to climb K2 or anything, but still... better.  But man... I don't want to go back to this afternoon.  I need to look into some options for therapy because it's really long past time I start getting myself in order.  I'm a mess.

Clever Title Goes Here

I don't really remember what happened this week (besides yesterday, which I'll get to in a minute).  I was going to say I watched Parks and Rec, but I think that was last week.  I worked on a character of mine and got her more or less tweaked to where I want her.  I'm actually really happy about that, so go me.  I was going to write, just get something out and try to finish something, but it still hasn't happened.  And since no one is reading this blog, I can just admit this: it terrifies me.  It scares the hell out of me when I can't write for an extended period of time.  I'm not good at much, and writing is at least something I'm sorta good at it... and I like it.  I had finally started to feel like I was growing as a writer.  But if I can't write, what's the point?  Why am I even still here without that?  What the hell good am I to anyone?  None.  None whatsoever.

That got really negative.  I'm sorry.

Anyways, yesterday!  Yesterday was good.  I went to Disneyland.  =)  I Disneybounded Maleficent and I feel like I looked cute too.  My eye makeup was so on point though.  I put this matte, grass green shade on my lids and then i took a shimmery lavender color and used that on my brow bone and upper lid area.  The purple and green overlapped but I didn't blend.  The line was very soft because of the brush I used.  I really love that eyeshadow brush.  It's this kind, though not a MAC brand because I'm poor.  Anyways, we had a fun day.  We rode Indiana Jones and Pirates of the Caribbean, two rides I hadn't been on in quite a while.  I got some new pins and a new Mickey Mouse doll dressed as Burt from Mary Poppins.  He's so cute!

And also, yeah.  I've been having an appetite lately.  It's interesting though.  I had been getting one meal a day (sometimes and a snack), unless I was around people.  Lately I've been eating shortly after I wake up and actually feeling hungry again later, so I've had to have more to eat.  My stomach still has trouble sometimes (it actually got feeling really funny after breakfast yesterday and it got upset after I had had lunch and later some mango slices) but at least my appetite is trying to come around.  Like right now.  I had breakfast earlier and now it's almost five and I'm hungry.

So yeah.

colon three

I had two good days in a row.  And not just good by my standards... good in general.  Yesterday I had soup and went to see Guardians of the Galaxy (and really enjoyed it) and today I went to the comic book store and came home and read some comics and watched Parks and Rec.  And I've been in a pretty good mood.
But like... this is weird.  I discovered even when I'm in a good mood I'm not really in a good mood?  I don't know how to describe it, but like basically when I start feeling happy there's unhappy under the surface so I work harder to keep happy overpowering unhappy but end up tired because it takes a lot of energy to act like I'm feeling better than I am.  I don't even know.

But that's like exactly what I don't want to dwell on right now.  Because I am doing alright.  These past couple of days have been good and I'm thankful for that.  Especially given that the day before yesterday was really bad and I'm not interested in going back.  (Long story that I've lost most of the details of anyways.)

SO yeah.  Good days.  And like... I don't know.  I'm really hoping I keep having good days.  Can you imagine?  What if next time I posted to this blog I was just like, "Best.  Week.  Ever!"  That would be amazing.

And I don't know if anyone is reading this blog (sometimes I really, really hope not) but if you are, thanks for being there.

Round-Up Day

Yet another week where I can't tell you what the fuck I did.  I didn't do anything special... I woke up every day, ate at least one meal a day, sat at my computer, and then ended up in bed again.  One of those days I watched several episodes of anime of one kind or another (which was good... like really good).  I wrote a drabble (posted it to tumblr... didn't get a huge reaction but eh... I can't make them like me or my writing).

And oh!  I have a nephew now!  The baby came.  I still haven't met him though... which I'd really, really like to do super soon.

...

Feeling everything just slip away from me.  Disappointing people, disappointing myself.  I'm not enough.  Not good enough, smart enough, or warm enough to be loved enough to feel like anyone means it.  I'm so tired of this... of always feeling like this.  I don't want to be and feel alone anymore, yet here I am.  Everything feels hopeless.  Just whatever.  I feel so much and I don't have the fucking words to express any of it.  I'm sad.

So what do I make of this?

Today my mood has been weird.  I used to describe these moods as a "rubber ball" mood -- it bounces up, quite high, and goes down as low as it possibly can.  I mean, I guess the real word to use there is "unstable," but that doesn't sound as nice, does it?

Like earlier... I was pretty low.  Some weird sad/mad combo that I couldn't quite describe.  Then I got a little better (and I wrote!  I was so pleased!  I still am pleased about that, tbh).  But right now I'm pretty low again.  Maybe not as bad as I was earlier... but noticeably low.  I don't know.

I just kinda want my birthday to be over.  And by "kinda," I mean I wish it wasn't happening now or ever, but since we can't make it skip from the 14th to the 16th, I'll just be glad when it's done and I don't have to think about how a) no one cares (to the point that even I don't care) and b) I won't get what I want or to do what I want.

But hell.  I shouldn't focus on that.  A good thing happened.  I wrote for the first time in like two weeks... and I'm pretty sure it's not even terrible.  So huzzah!

*inhuman noises*

And not the happy kind.

I don't know.  There's just a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head and I can't follow any of them through to their logical completion.  I'm upset about  a lot of things.  I haven't seen Guardians of the Galaxy.  No one cares about my birthday.  It feels like no one cares about me.  I'm lonely.  I'm sad and tired.  I can't write.  I'm broke.  Robin Williams is dead.

I don't remember what it was like to get anything but disappointment.

And I... I think I just realized I won't even have cake on my birthday.  I'm not going to have the one present I wanted, I'm not doing anything special, and I won't get cake.  Can't imagine I'll even get alcohol or a meal that is in any way special.

For several days straight I've felt like I was about to cry.  You know that awful feeling, right before the tears fall?  That moment when you feel so weak and vulnerable, but you know it's coming and you can't stop it?  Yeah, for days... three or four.  I don't know... they blend together at this point.  I've teared up a little, but the actual crying hasn't happened but I kinda wish it would?  I just want to get the emotion thing over with.  I feel like someone should just punch me in the face or something... that oughta get the tears flowing.

is a title necessary for every post?

I don't know where I am right now.  Like, not physically obviously... I mean I don't know where I am emotionally or how I got here.  Because believe it or not, there was a point there when I was doing better... but I'm getting bad again, going downhill so quickly.  Like I'm on a fucking slippery slope and there's no way to stop, not even if I drag my feet.

Everything makes me sad.  Everything makes me mad.  I don't even have the energy to carry on acting like I'm okay.  I feel so fucking alone, and I know I have people, but I feel like I've drained them of all their compassion already and if I try to go back for more, there's not going to be anything there.  And that's not even a reflection of them in most cases.  It's me, it's always me, and my inability to fucking socialize or do anything but worry about my own pissant little fucking problems.

How did I get here?  And more importantly, where are the directions out of here?

-.-

When my mom starts talking to me about finances and our many, many financial problems, I tend to reach a certain point where I can't handle it anymore and I mentally check out.  This doesn't solve the problems at all... but it makes it easier for me to keep from getting any more anxious and stressed out than I already am.  But sometimes I check too far out... and I end up losing details from my memory.  I think I've said before that when I'm at my lowest, I sometimes lose whole chunks of memory... like, for example, I don't remember much of April.  I remember the 23rd and the 27th for various reasons.  But whatever.

It's probably not healthy to check out that way.  And maybe it isn't even depression that makes me forget things... maybe I've got a brain tumor or some illness or something.  That would be just my luck.

But that whole checking out thing... that's why I suck at being an adult.  That's why I'm not a real adult.  That's why I should age backwards on my birthday.

What if I just used this blog as my diary?

I might do that.

So lately I've been feeling like a bad person.  Like okay, yeah... I always feel like a bad person, but lately, I don't know.  I just feel like I'm being a bitch all the time, and yet I can't stop myself from having every word come out like I'm Miranda Priestly telling you your use of florals in the spring line is groundbreaking.

Okay, maybe I'm not that bad.  But I keep feeling like I'm not being as warm as I should be.  Maybe it's because I'm fast approaching my 63rd birthday and I'm acting like a crotchedy old woman.

And I also really hate looking back at this blog, at my old posts.  You can tell when I started to become... whatever the fuck I am now... the quality of writing drops and the voice changes drastically.  You can barely say that I even have a voice at certain points.  It's like a lively young person began this blog and then handed it over to a metaphorical zombie.  Looking back just reminds me of everything I've lost... and back then I didn't even feel like I had anything special.  And maybe I didn't... but it's still more than now.

Sometimes I get mad at myself for feeling like how I feel.  Like I should just be able to will myself out of it.  Seriously, if anyone gives you that crap about making yourself feel happy or deciding to be happy, you should just roll your eyes or shove them or something.  And if anyone is reading this and you happen to be the mythical creature that can make him or herself just be happy, I both envy and fear you.

What a rambling blog post about nothing.  This is what my diaries were like when I kept them.

Losing Time and Stuff

So I said I would do this once a week.  That was over a week ago and I haven't been back.  But here I am now.

Over the past week, I have done some things.  I don't remember most of it... which I'm not happy about.  I've noticed that when I'm in a not-good place (depression wise) that I lose chunks of memory.  I don't know if that's normal or if it's just me.

But I do know I went to brunch with my mom on sunday and I got carded when I ordered a mimosa.  The waitress thought I looked young... not sure if it was the grey hair or what.  On monday I went the friend people to dinner at KC's Steakhouse and had the delicious pork chop and a couple of cocktails.  I also got caught up on some animes I've been watching.  Although since I got caught up on all of them, one of them released a new episode.

I think I may have still been doing NaNo when I last posted?  I don't remember.  Well, either way... I finished that.  But as usual lately, I kinda cheated... not a novel, but a collection of terrible short stories/vignettes/whatever you want to call them.  They're all about gay superheroes... like I care.

I feel like something else happened this week?

Oh!  I got to spend time with my little niece.  She's cool.

And in like a week and a half, I have a birthday.  I'm turning 40.  Actually, I'm turning 26, but I feel 40.  And if I start accepting how empty and blandyougurt my life is at 26 and just admit to the fact that I'm middle aged, it might be easier when I'm actually 40 and have accomplished nothing and have nothing.  Yay...

Haze

It was never my intention to neglect this blog, but seeing as how I haven't updated it literally in years, I guess that's exactly what I did.  I started this blog to have a reason to write and to have a place to vent my feelings.  I have both of those things in different outlets now... but that doesn't mean I don't miss this blog.

And now I want to try and get back to updating this blog regularly.

Maybe I'll post once a week or so, a catch all "here's what happened to me" kind of thing.  That sounds reasonable.

So in the last couple of years, what's happened to me?  Well, if you know me at all, you probably know all of this, so I'll stick to the Reader's Digest version of all these stories.

• I've struggled with depression and anxiety.  There was a period just a few months ago when these things were worse (and I thought I was losing my mind... that was an interesting time).  I guess the depression is the main reason I stopped writing on this blog and kind of... pulled away from a lot of different things.  I don't know if I'm getting any better.  I hope I am... or at the very least I will.
• I've thrown myself pretty seriously into superheroes and comic books.  That was always something I loved, but I've dedicated much more time to it over the last year or two.
• I've also started writing fan fiction more than anything else.  Through this, I've met some really lovely people and I've also got an audience.  This has made a big difference to me.
• Two of my aunts died.  I don't want to talk any more about it.
• My niece was born and pretty soon I'm going to have a nephew as well.
• I lost my best friend.  Not to death but... you know.  I'm not over it.
• I flew on an airplane by myself for the first time.
• I got Netflix.  That's pretty cool.
• I started playing and watching Pokemon again.
• ETA I got a dog.  He's two now.  I don't think I had him when I stopped posting to this blog.