little

I've been thinking about my kids lately.  A lot, actually.  More than usual.  No, I don't have kids yet, but I want them.  I've always wanted to be a mother some day... and I want it so badly that sometimes (often) I feel an actual physical ache.  It's like that weird feeling I get in my hands when I'm sad and anxious, only it's in my chest... and I have to try and wrap my arms around my body just so I can hold myself together.

So I've been thinking about these kids I don't have... and how much I already love them, even though they haven't even been conceived yet.  I may not be good at much, but I honest to God believe I'd be a good mother.  If I didn't think so, I wouldn't want to do it so badly.  And I am just getting to the point that I'm going to maim the next person who laughs at me when I say that I want babies.  How is that funny?  How is that wrong?  How can you sit there and laugh at me for wanting that?  I really don't understand.

Maybe it's funny because you need a man to get pregnant and the thought of me attracting a man is so laughable.  I mean, sure, I think so too... but laughing to my face seems unnecessary.  After some of the things that have been said to me before, I shouldn't be surprised, yet here I am.  Maybe they think that I'm too unstable to be a good mother... and fair enough.  That's something I worry about as well.  But a lot of people have had depression and anxiety and still were good parents.  It's not like that's impossible.

I just... I don't know.  I want it so bad, and it feels like I've already waited so long.  And with each passing day, it feels a little bit more like it'll never happen.