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You start to realize at a certain point that you're actually an annoying, horrible person.  The mood swings -- either too giddy or too morose, no in between -- would be hard for anyone to keep up with.  You're always complaining.  You don't listen.  You expect too much.  If they don't give a shit about you it's because you haven't given them a reason to.  You literally have nothing of value to offer anyone.  You ain't shit... you're a piece of shit, or maybe garbage depending on your mood.

And you just want desperately to be better and to do better and not to be disappointed when shit goes south as it inevitably does.  You want not to be the kind of person who cries more often than you change out of your pajamas.  But that's not you.  None of it is.  Your best isn't good enough.  It's not good enough to keep you happy.  It's barely good enough to keep you alive.  But at this point you take what you get.