Fell behind again

I say I'll update about once a week (not that anyone's reading it but w/e) and for a while I was doing that and then some.  And then, I don't know.  Even pretending this is a diary doesn't quite give me the release I'm looking for.  I'm just so put out with the world and my life.  I had such a hard time getting out of bed this morning and like... I've spent most of the day wishing I hadn't, that I hadn't even woken up.

Pretty sure I've said this before but I'm trying so hard and it never seems to make a difference.  It's all still the same.  Maybe that's why I keep losing these chunks of memory?  The days are too bland and all run together in my mind.

This morning, as I was lying in bed, I kept thinking about how it was monday and I've already experienced so many mondays.  Thousands, I wagered (because I didn't have the sense to figure it out).  What would be the point in one more?  How would this monday be different from last monday or next monday... or as far as days in general go, yesterday or tomorrow?  How would my nothing, unremarkable day be any different if I didn't get out of bed.  I just wouldn't have my computer... probably the only difference.  But I got up, because that's what you're supposed to do.  Society expects you to sit upright even when you don't have the energy even for that.  So I dragged my ass out of bed and I've accomplished nothing today.  I don't feel any better than I did, I don't feel like the day counted toward anything.  And I also feel like if I hadn't gotten out of bed, no one would have noticed or cared.  My mom would have just thought I was still asleep and called me lazy whenever she saw me again.  And no one else would have noticed my absence.

I know it's not true, but even so, I can't help but feel like no one cares about me.  No one gives a shit.  I could die and no one would notice until my corpse began to stink.  I don't mean to be so morose, I really don't... and I try to be much more upbeat but sometimes I fail.  (Big shocker.)  Sometimes it's really fucking hard.  Sometimes I just want there to be someone to ask how I'm doing and validate my feelings and support me.

God, I'm so whiny, I'm so sorry for this post