I don't really care about most things.  I don't really feel a lot of things.  Like... the house will be burning down around me (for example lol, it's still standing, don't worry) and I will worry... but not necessarily care.  I feel this general sense of badness, but not really... an emotion I can put a name on.

I was told last week that I've seemed better lately.  This was meant as a compliment, but it makes me feel awkward.  Because I haven't felt better... and it puts a lot of pressure on me to maintain this improvement I personally haven't seen or felt.  A lot of it is an act.  But?  If I don't know what part of this act is working, how can I keep it up?  How do I apologize for the days when I don't have the energy to keep on with that act?

I joined this website 7cups.  It's been pretty helpful.  I've been talking about shit and trying to practice meditating every day, changing the way I think, learning how to love and forgive myself... and all that crap.  But it's difficult.  I want to get better.  I know it's ridiculous to expect it fast but I've been this way for YEARS.  It hasn't been fast.  And I want to feel better now.  Right now.  Invent a magic bullet and shoot me with it.

Show of Hands

How many people notice your presence in their life?  The little things you do because you can and should, the things you do for others because they need them or like them.  How many people notice when you're sick or when you're sad?  How many offer to help when you need it?  How many would notice if you stopped answering their messages?  How many would miss you if you died today?

You can't answer any of those questions reliably.  But it's hard sometimes not to feel like the answer to most of those questions in my case is two or less... and the answer to the last one is none.

I know it's just my usually negativity and... other issues... talking, but damn.  It's hard not to believe those thoughts.

Everyday I say to myself things like "tomorrow I'm going to do _____" and then tomorrow comes and I can't bring myself to do.  Usually it's practical things like cleaning, washing the dishes, washing my hair (which I shouldn't admit...), taking out the trash, etc.... but sometimes it's fun things, like watching a movie or brushing pony hair or playing the sims.  I can just not bring myself to do anything.  Sometimes I force myself to do what's absolutely necessary, but if it's not super duper pressing, I don't.  And that's awful... and I hate myself for it.

But name a reason I don't hate myself.

I want to die.  Like... sometimes I just want it so bad.  I wish I could get shot by a sniper or ran over by a car or drown in the bathtub or something.  I'm tired.  Life sucks.  And when I try to do things to improve it, they backfire and things suck worse.  When I do nothing, things fester and suck worse.  And I just... no.  Twenty seven years has been long enough.  I'm okay not making it much longer.

Well, shit

So life chugs on very much in the same fashion.  It hasn't been great but we're all still alive, so awesome.  I had a really good day yesterday.  That's not sarcasm either... it was a very good day.  But today has been kind of the exact opposite.  Very much in my own head.  I didn't get much sleep last night, it was a struggle to get out of bed this morning, and a black cloud has hung over me and I can't seem to quite get out from underneath.  But... whatever.  I'm dealing with it, hoping it'll pass.

Yesterday I wrote a lot and made a candle.  I was around people, and I'm pretty sure I was more outgoing than usual (which is good... I really want to be less weird and awkward and offputting lol).  I'm hoping for more days like that.

Sometimes we get what we deserve

Bad things happen to me quite regularly.  Not feeling sorry for myself, just stating an objective fact.  And I might think to myself at times, "I didn't deserve that.  I'm a good person.  Why do these things keep happening?"  But the truth is that that is a load of crap.  A load of crap I sell myself to try and feel better... to excuse myself for feeling bad.  Because I'm not a good person.  I'm lazy, I snap at people, I whine a lot.  I'm selfish, self-destructive, and a drama queen.  I do deserve all the bad things that happen to me.  And they happen because it's my fault.  Everything that's wrong is my fault.

This post is hard to write.  Not because I have something difficult to say, but because I have many feelings (mostly negative ones) and I can't sort them well enough to describe them.  I'm also having some writer's block, which is just making me feel worse.  I know this goes without saying, but life is hard.  It's rather unfair, too.  And right now, it must be really strong and violent because it's kicking my ass.