I don't really care about most things.  I don't really feel a lot of things.  Like... the house will be burning down around me (for example lol, it's still standing, don't worry) and I will worry... but not necessarily care.  I feel this general sense of badness, but not really... an emotion I can put a name on.

I was told last week that I've seemed better lately.  This was meant as a compliment, but it makes me feel awkward.  Because I haven't felt better... and it puts a lot of pressure on me to maintain this improvement I personally haven't seen or felt.  A lot of it is an act.  But?  If I don't know what part of this act is working, how can I keep it up?  How do I apologize for the days when I don't have the energy to keep on with that act?

I joined this website 7cups.  It's been pretty helpful.  I've been talking about shit and trying to practice meditating every day, changing the way I think, learning how to love and forgive myself... and all that crap.  But it's difficult.  I want to get better.  I know it's ridiculous to expect it fast but I've been this way for YEARS.  It hasn't been fast.  And I want to feel better now.  Right now.  Invent a magic bullet and shoot me with it.