i dont feel strong enough to keep going

...

Sometimes I just want a way to get away from my feelings, even just for a while.  But it's difficult... I don't think there is such a way.  No magic "healthy coping mechanism" for me.  I think... I think I'm a lost cause.  I may never get better, so my choices are either learn to accept that it's always going to be like this, or end it so "always" never happens.  But I'm too weak for the former and too much of a coward for the latter.  This is why I feel like a lost cause.

I said to someone recently that I didn't feel like the people around me were supporting me, and they asked me what I wanted these hypothetical people to do.  I didn't really know how to answer that because it seemed fairly obvious to me -- I'm desperately alone, alternating between desperately empty and desperately sad... and in short, desperately desperate.  I'm looking for emotional support.  But I didn't know how to put into words what that would entail.  I think right now the main thing that would be is I want someone, anyone, to listen to me, really listen to me, and not just wait for me to finish talking so they can have their turn to talk.  I get a lot of that... and of people who don't wait for me to finish and just talk over the top of me.  I just want to feel heard.  I want to feel like someone cares.  I would give anything to feel that, I swear on my life I would.

a lot of the times i feel like no one listens to me.  no one pays enough attention to care.  people don't... take the time to know jack shit about me or my life, besides the extremely superficial.  and the more that happens, the more i feel like i need to put up walls; if they're going to be outside i'm going to be the one to keep them out there... feels less like rejection that way.  but i still end up alone and it still sucks.

do da

My two greatest problems are that I'm sensitive -- my feelings get hurt too easily -- and the people around me tend to be highly inconsiderate.  No one pays attention to the things that bother me.  I feel actively disrespected all the time.  And it's hard for me to speak up and say why things bother me... but when I do, people get dismissive and defensive.  I'm often put into the position of being guilted into apologizing for saying that I don't like how I'm being treated.  I should just... fake my death and go start over somewhere else, make new friends who are kinder.  Not have to answer any phone calls from my family.  Be around people who don't know about all my many failures.

parts out for bast

I'm preparing for this discussion I'm leading for the pagan group I belong to.  I'm going to be talking about Bast, and so I'm reading about her ancient festival.  Apparently it was one of the biggest festivals of the year, and when the people would travel to Bubastis the women would just be loud and out of control and when they'd see people on the riverbanks they'd yell at them, and they'd lift their dresses to show off their bits (because fertility!).  Then at the festival there was singing and dancing and people drank more wine than any other time in the year and that sounds like such a fucking blast, man.

a title

I don't know when the goal to post on this blog once a week became so difficult, but it is.  And here we are several months later.  Little has changed -- I'm still depressed, I still wish I was dead, I still don't know how to deal with jack shit.  Some things have happened -- I now volunteer at the library around the corner from me.  I'm getting kind of independent... or I'm trying to be.

So... yeah.

Right now, I'm ruminating on relationships.  Friendships, romance... all that.  I settle for less.  I settle for less in every area, because I'm terrified that in refusing LESS I will end up with nothing.  I have these friends who hurt my feelings... I don't stand up to them because the thought of being alone, being left AGAIN, scares me so much.  I wonder why I attract people that take advantage of that though.

I'm so weak.