Common Law Divorce

A few months ago, my aunt and uncle broke up.  My aunt found this new guy and said she wanted a change.  They were together for 23 years... as long as I've been alive.  And then they broke up, and that was it.  And because she is my mother's sister and he is her ex, I just figured that was it.  We wouldn't be seeing him anymore... and I was sad about that.  I miss him... I still think he's a good guy.  

I don't have a problem with her new boyfriend.  He seems nice, he's really funny, and she's really happy so I'm happy for her.  But they act like a couple of teenagers... it's almost disgusting.  I have a little trouble really saying that I like her new boyfriend.  It's just weird to me... he's just here all of a sudden and we're all supposed to look at him as a part of the family.  But... he's not my uncle.  He's not anything more to me than my aunt's boyfriend.  Again, it's nothing against him... I just... I need to adjust, I guess.

The other night, my uncle turned up on our porch.  Very drunk and depressed.  He still really, really loves her and hopes she'll come back to him.  And he kept making sure we know that he still thinks of us as family.  And honestly, I think of him the same way.

What I guess I'm trying to say is that family doesn't have to be blood.  It doesn't even have to be through marriage.  Your family should be the people you love and care about... the people you know would be there for you if you needed them.  I have friends that I consider to be like family.  The neighbors on either side of my house are like extra grandmothers.  And my aunt's ex is my uncle... even if he's nothing but bad memories to her.  That's just the way it is.

If you can't be with the one you love...

... love the one who's not going to try to kill you.

I recently found out that a very dear, old friend got hurt really badly because of her boyfriend. I'm ashamed to say that I got a funny vibe from him but didn't say anything to her because I didn't feel it was my place. He had been violent in the past and others had expressed concern but no one got anywhere with her.

I understand when you care about someone you're more likely to overlook flaws, but a dangerous personality is something far worse than a little bad habit.

I'm alone... no boyfriend. Sometimes I think to myself, "okay, I'm getting desperate" but I am not so desperate that I'd be willing to deal with someone who I didn't feel safe with. But even as I say this, I know that my friend was not desperate when she met this guy. She doesn't have to settle. Maybe she rushed in... maybe he hid his temper. I don't know.

When something like this happens, it makes me not want to trust anyone ever again. But that's not a healthy attitude. It is smart, however, to be on your guard.

If anyone happens to be reading this that is with someone that has shown signs of a violent or aggressive temperament, don't take any chances.

Rotten

Sometimes I feel like a bad person. I get jealous when I see the exciting lives other people have. I don't want to hear about the fun my friends have without me. I don't want to know about your awesome plans. I shouldn't feel like this, but I do.

It sucks to always pretend I feel otherwise. I can't be honest about how I feel because I'm ashamed of it. I know I actually should be happy for other people and not be so petty, but most of the time I can't.

But I'm not really mad. I am jealous... but not because I feel other people's lives are better than mine but because I'm so unhappy with my own. That may seem like a small distinction, but trust me... it's a big difference. I wish I could find a job... then I'd be able to get out in the world and meet people. I'm always feeling like I have so few friends and no friends that actually want to spend time with me/ have time to spend with me... maybe if I met new people I could make a friend who would like to hang out with me. I'm always lonesome and sad because I don't have romance in my life... maybe I wouldn't be as sad about that if I had a best friend. I used to have a best friend, but we grew apart. She was easily able to replace me... but I don't want to replace her. I want another friend who can mean as much to me as she always has. Don't get me wrong... I love and adore all of my friends... I just need a friend who needs me a little more.

That's why the title of this post is "rotten." I'm a rotten person, clearly a rotten friend (or else I'd have more friends), and I feel rotten about all of it.

Grow Up, Buckingham Alice!

So, earlier this evening (or morning or whatever) I watched the new Fairly Odd Parents movie on the DVR. Grow Up, Timmy Turner! was pretty great. I actually almost cried at one point (I won't say why because I hate spoilers). I have a well-documented love of Drake Bell and the FOP, so this movie was a good marriage for me. It was quite sweet and didn't talk down to the audience.

There were a few things I didn't care for. Chester and A.J. (Timmy's best friends on the show) were complete tools. They were really mean to Timmy! I didn't like that. On the show, they come off as very true and loyal friends. I didn't expect them to stay in fifth grade with Timmy for 13 years, but I also didn't expect them to shut him out. Vicky's involvement in the film was minimal (although I guess that's to be expected, since he doesn't really need a baby-sitter anymore) and there was no reference to the fact that she and Tootie are sisters. There was no Trixie Tang, no Mark Chang (which severely bummed me out since he's like one of my favorite characters ever), no pixies, no Chip Skylark, no Crimson Chin, no Crash Nebula... I was hoping to a lot of little things like that. I call that sort of call-back a "love letter to the fans" and this movie unfortunately had none.

But here's what struck me most of all: I'm like Timmy Turner, just sans fairies. He's 23 (I'll be 23 next month), he lives at home with his parents, doesn't have a job, doesn't drive, and is still in the fifth grade (okay, I'm out of elementary, but still). I have a lot of kid in me... but I guess my goal is to become a grown up but not to let the kid in me die. I really do intend to have a job and money and my own roof and wheels at some point (hopefully sooner, rather than later) but I can still like kiddie shows and books and dolls. I mean, Timmy acts like a child on purpose... I don't actually act like a child most of the time. I just share a lot of interests with the average child.

But damn. If I could get me some fairy godparents today, I'd be all over that.

Unpopular Opinions: You bet I do!

So, earlier I was thinking about something I think about (you know, metacognition) when I realized that I hold a lot of really unpopular opinions as near and dear. So, being that I've been on this big kick of trying to achieve self-actuality, be totally honest with myself and the world, and excise unnecessary stress (like the kind you might deal with if you were keeping a bunch of shit inside), I'm coming clean.

1. I don't like watching hour-long dramas. I've always been a sitcom person, but I never use to mind hour long dramas much, but lately, I can't stand them. They completely turn me off and make my head hurt. I think my attention span has changed some (hence the continued approval of sitcoms) but I also think I have no desire to watch drama when my life is... not fun. If I'm going to watch TV, it needs to take me out of my situation and make me laugh and/or feel happy.

2. For the most part, I hate action movies. When I see previews for those big, special effects extravaganzas, I yawn and roll my eyes. On Easter, my family was watching this movie Derailed (starring Denzel Washington, Chris Pine, and a train) and I was watching my aunt's dog.

3. He may in fact be batshit crazy and completely out of control, but I still love Charlie Sheen. I have for years and years now, and I probably always will.

4. I think they should outlaw child beauty pageants, and furthermore I think they should imprison stage moms.

5. I think different types of alcohol have different effects on the mood. White wine makes me happy and relaxed. Red wine makes me happy and overly-friendly. Cocktails make me giggly.

6. I'm attracted to a lot of male celebrities that aren't traditionally seen as heartthrobs such as Kevin Smith, Tyler Labine, the late Phil Hartman, the late John Ritter (although he was pretty damn cute in a totally traditional way during the Three's Company years), Brian Williams from the NBC Nightly News, Jon Stewart, and countless others.

7. Most celebrities and athletes are not admirable figures. No reality tv stars are in any way admirable.

8. While I really like several GaGa songs and totally appreciate what she's all about, I find her really overrated.

9. I think it's possible to like someone or something and find that thing overrated at the same time. This is how I feel about several things (like Lady GaGa, Family Guy, Twilight, and many others).

10. I don't find baseball boring (although I have no interest in playing it).

Royal Wedding (Oh yes, I'm going there.)

So, I know when you were all eagerly watching the royal wedding you were thinking to yourself, "yes, that's fine, Katie Couric, but what does Bre think about all of this????" Well, I intend to tell you.

I'll start by saying that I had not planned to watch the wedding. It's not that I have anything against William or Kate or Britain or anything... I just, I dunno. I'm quite single, so weddings depress me. Being a single girl with dozens of friends who are married, engaged, heavily involved, parents, or some combination of those things and watching a wedding (in person or on television) is like going to a Holocaust memorial... even though what you're seeing doesn't directly affect you, you're just not going to get out without being heavily depressed.

But for the last two days, my mom has watched the Bio channel on and off, and they've shown about a thousand wedding specials. And I began to get curious about the dress and the hats and what not. And, you know, I do enjoy a romance... and I adore princesses. Plus, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't completely taken with Catherine Middleton... she seems so lovely.

So we decided to DVR it. We watched it Friday afternoon... and I was amused. At times. Okay, I'll start with the important thing. Kate looked lovely. Her hair was half up and half down (which is what I expected) and she had these beautiful new earrings which were apparently a gift from her parents. She was wearing a lovely, delicate, elegant, and classy tiara that was a gift to the Queen on her 18th birthday. I would have chosen a larger tiara, but the one she wore was rather fitting for her, and it looked appropriate with her whole ensemble. And the dress? Perfection. Now, a lot of people have commented that it was too simple, but that's kinda her style. I may be biased, because it's similar to the dress I always imagine myself wearing at my fantasy wedding (if ever I have one), but it was wonderful. Lace sleeves for the win.

And William was a sight as well. I'm glad he wore a military uniform instead of a morning suit (for, as Lydia Bennett would say, "A man looks nothing without regimentals!"). He chose his red Irish uniform, which was perfect because red is my favorite color, and yes, the groom should have a bit of flash about him on the big day, too. But the thing that stood out the most was hair, or lack there of. He's 28, and he's balder than his father! I have to say, he got married just in time... he's got so little hair, and he's starting to get a bit horsey in the face (just a bit... he's used to be rather handsome, and he's still rather cute).

Pippa looked amazing. And I know it's English custom for the maid of honor to match the bride (i.e. white dress), but I would not want my sister looking amazing in a white dress on my big day. (Furthermore, I'd have anyone who dared come in white forcibly ejected... but that's just me.) Harry looked quite nice as well. He still seems to have enough hair, and his uniform really went well with his coloring.

As for the guests, I was happy to see Posh and Becks. He looked great... she looked pretty good, but the hat was ish. I was really delighted to see Sir Elton John. I love him. He's getting so pudgy nowadays that he sort of waddles, and his suit made him look like the Penguin. And I've never in my life seen anything like the hats on the Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie. Beatrice's defied gravity. Eugenie's has an odd sort of charm, though.

All that church crap was as to be expected... dull. I'm still puzzled by his choosing not to wear a ring (custom or no, my husband is gonna have a ring).

That kiss on the balcony was wonderful. Maybe next time they're in public together, he'll shake her hand.

So, now that we're all thoroughly up to speed on what happened, here's what I was hoping would happen, for it would have made for great TV:

- I wanted Queen Elizabeth to do something dramatic and attention seeking. Smack Kate or something.

- I wanted them to embrace during that kiss on the balcony. And I wanted him to grope her ass just a little, and her to giggle and playfully shove him.

- I wanted Harry to say something saucy to Pippa, causing her to giggle loudly in the church.

- When the princes were arriving, I wanted some militant or something to take a shot at William. Harry would cry out either "That's my brother!" or "God save the future king!" and dive in front of him, taking the bullet. William would fall to his knees, weeping for his brother. Then, Harry would lift his shirt, revealing a bullet proof vest he'd thought to wear in case of such an instance. The guards would capture the would-be assassin and beat him to a pulp on live TV.

And at this point, I'm still hoping to see pictures from that dinner and dance that Charles threw for the new couple. I'm dying to see them dancing to "Gold Digger" or "Single Ladies." I want to see some nightclub style moves... and I'm hoping she's lifting her dress a bit. And my wish of all wishes, is to see William, the future king, raise the roof. What more could I ask for?

Bricks

So, I'm continuing my journey to self-discovery. Or self-diagnosis... or whatever.

I've decided to keep a log in which I'm going to record when I have these irrational mood swings. This isn't the log, of course, but I'm taking instances from them and going into detail. I'm writing this on my blog instead of in the log or something else private because I'm much more likely to revisit it here, and that's my intention.

I'll be feeling perfectly normal and then some completely irrelevant thing will have me near tears. These are the most common mood swings. There are rarer beasts though... at one point, I had this weird moment where I went to a really happy high for some reason, and then I crashed a moment later. There was a reason... something made me happy, but as soon as I crashed, I couldn't remember it.

Last night when I was in bed, I was trying to read, but I couldn't concentrate a bit. My thoughts kept straying very heavily to something I want... I felt completely out of control of them, and that's an entirely new feeling. It was like an ADD moment, except I don't have ADD. This was the most puzzling episode (besides waking up this morning after two hours or sleeping and being convinced my clock was wrong because it seemed I had been asleep longer).

This afternoon I had a really bad feeling. I was feeling average, and then suddenly I felt discontent. I wasn't really sad or unhappy, but quite discontent. And interestingly enough, I didn't think there was much of a distinction between those terms until I was experiencing it. It's hard to explain. My discontent weighed me down for a while... in my log, I described it as a brick resting in (or, probably more accurately, on) my psyche. I've had that brick feeling before, but I still don't know what to do with it.

But almost all of these feelings pass with adequate distraction. It's weird, and probably not the best way to deal with things. But what other options do I have?