Rotten

Sometimes I feel like a bad person. I get jealous when I see the exciting lives other people have. I don't want to hear about the fun my friends have without me. I don't want to know about your awesome plans. I shouldn't feel like this, but I do.

It sucks to always pretend I feel otherwise. I can't be honest about how I feel because I'm ashamed of it. I know I actually should be happy for other people and not be so petty, but most of the time I can't.

But I'm not really mad. I am jealous... but not because I feel other people's lives are better than mine but because I'm so unhappy with my own. That may seem like a small distinction, but trust me... it's a big difference. I wish I could find a job... then I'd be able to get out in the world and meet people. I'm always feeling like I have so few friends and no friends that actually want to spend time with me/ have time to spend with me... maybe if I met new people I could make a friend who would like to hang out with me. I'm always lonesome and sad because I don't have romance in my life... maybe I wouldn't be as sad about that if I had a best friend. I used to have a best friend, but we grew apart. She was easily able to replace me... but I don't want to replace her. I want another friend who can mean as much to me as she always has. Don't get me wrong... I love and adore all of my friends... I just need a friend who needs me a little more.

That's why the title of this post is "rotten." I'm a rotten person, clearly a rotten friend (or else I'd have more friends), and I feel rotten about all of it.