musings, part ???

It's been just over a year since my mom had her stroke and had to go to the hospital.  She's doing about the same -- she's mostly bed bound, and she responds at times.  Still has a feeding tube.  She's not worse, and that's a good thing to be thankful for.  I still wish I had realized sooner that she was on the verge of this medical crisis.  I wish the situation here was different, and she could be at home.  I feel like an asshole because she's not, and I don't know how much she understands but I hope that she gets that I didn't want to just leave her there.  I don't get to see her often, and I feel horrible about that too.  She's not gone, but the person she was is just not available for medical reasons... and she's someplace different now, so I miss her.  Before she had the stroke, sometimes our relationship was complicated.  Like, I love her and always have, but we'd argue and she would drive me crazy for just... reasons that aren't even worth talking about (but were valid).  And it's sad now to think... our relationship can never be better than it was.  Life is just so mean... she deserved better health and a better home situation.  I blame myself a lot still for not realizing sooner that something was going on with her health wise.  I wish I had done more and done better.  I guess she also deserved a better daughter, lol.  Though my life now, over a year later, has more creature comfort ( running water is a big deal, lol), it's lonelier.  And part of me misses how things were -- not the extreme poverty (as opposed to my current paycheck to paycheck existence) but the fact that I used to have someone to watch TV with and have dinner with.  I didn't panic every time an unknown number called me, thinking it might be a nurse with bad news.  And just... you don't want to see anyone have to go through a medical crisis that changes them.  Life is just really mean and it sucks that we all have to deal with that.

life

I did finish my February dyrc19 book, but I haven't had time to write my post about it. My mom is in the hospital, and things aren't looking good.  Docs aren't optimistic, unfortunately.  So I've been out at the hospital practically all day every day for the last eight days.  I have actually gotten a fair amount of reading done while sitting at her bedside, but I come home so fucking beat I usually will watch an episode of something, force myself to eat dinner (stress has killed my appetite) and then fall asleep and sleep poorly at that.  I do want to get that post up (since I actually did finish the book on time for once lol) but it may take me a while.

Common Law Divorce

A few months ago, my aunt and uncle broke up.  My aunt found this new guy and said she wanted a change.  They were together for 23 years... as long as I've been alive.  And then they broke up, and that was it.  And because she is my mother's sister and he is her ex, I just figured that was it.  We wouldn't be seeing him anymore... and I was sad about that.  I miss him... I still think he's a good guy.  

I don't have a problem with her new boyfriend.  He seems nice, he's really funny, and she's really happy so I'm happy for her.  But they act like a couple of teenagers... it's almost disgusting.  I have a little trouble really saying that I like her new boyfriend.  It's just weird to me... he's just here all of a sudden and we're all supposed to look at him as a part of the family.  But... he's not my uncle.  He's not anything more to me than my aunt's boyfriend.  Again, it's nothing against him... I just... I need to adjust, I guess.

The other night, my uncle turned up on our porch.  Very drunk and depressed.  He still really, really loves her and hopes she'll come back to him.  And he kept making sure we know that he still thinks of us as family.  And honestly, I think of him the same way.

What I guess I'm trying to say is that family doesn't have to be blood.  It doesn't even have to be through marriage.  Your family should be the people you love and care about... the people you know would be there for you if you needed them.  I have friends that I consider to be like family.  The neighbors on either side of my house are like extra grandmothers.  And my aunt's ex is my uncle... even if he's nothing but bad memories to her.  That's just the way it is.