musings, part ???

It's been just over a year since my mom had her stroke and had to go to the hospital.  She's doing about the same -- she's mostly bed bound, and she responds at times.  Still has a feeding tube.  She's not worse, and that's a good thing to be thankful for.  I still wish I had realized sooner that she was on the verge of this medical crisis.  I wish the situation here was different, and she could be at home.  I feel like an asshole because she's not, and I don't know how much she understands but I hope that she gets that I didn't want to just leave her there.  I don't get to see her often, and I feel horrible about that too.  She's not gone, but the person she was is just not available for medical reasons... and she's someplace different now, so I miss her.  Before she had the stroke, sometimes our relationship was complicated.  Like, I love her and always have, but we'd argue and she would drive me crazy for just... reasons that aren't even worth talking about (but were valid).  And it's sad now to think... our relationship can never be better than it was.  Life is just so mean... she deserved better health and a better home situation.  I blame myself a lot still for not realizing sooner that something was going on with her health wise.  I wish I had done more and done better.  I guess she also deserved a better daughter, lol.  Though my life now, over a year later, has more creature comfort ( running water is a big deal, lol), it's lonelier.  And part of me misses how things were -- not the extreme poverty (as opposed to my current paycheck to paycheck existence) but the fact that I used to have someone to watch TV with and have dinner with.  I didn't panic every time an unknown number called me, thinking it might be a nurse with bad news.  And just... you don't want to see anyone have to go through a medical crisis that changes them.  Life is just really mean and it sucks that we all have to deal with that.