colon three

I had two good days in a row.  And not just good by my standards... good in general.  Yesterday I had soup and went to see Guardians of the Galaxy (and really enjoyed it) and today I went to the comic book store and came home and read some comics and watched Parks and Rec.  And I've been in a pretty good mood.
But like... this is weird.  I discovered even when I'm in a good mood I'm not really in a good mood?  I don't know how to describe it, but like basically when I start feeling happy there's unhappy under the surface so I work harder to keep happy overpowering unhappy but end up tired because it takes a lot of energy to act like I'm feeling better than I am.  I don't even know.

But that's like exactly what I don't want to dwell on right now.  Because I am doing alright.  These past couple of days have been good and I'm thankful for that.  Especially given that the day before yesterday was really bad and I'm not interested in going back.  (Long story that I've lost most of the details of anyways.)

SO yeah.  Good days.  And like... I don't know.  I'm really hoping I keep having good days.  Can you imagine?  What if next time I posted to this blog I was just like, "Best.  Week.  Ever!"  That would be amazing.

And I don't know if anyone is reading this blog (sometimes I really, really hope not) but if you are, thanks for being there.

Round-Up Day

Yet another week where I can't tell you what the fuck I did.  I didn't do anything special... I woke up every day, ate at least one meal a day, sat at my computer, and then ended up in bed again.  One of those days I watched several episodes of anime of one kind or another (which was good... like really good).  I wrote a drabble (posted it to tumblr... didn't get a huge reaction but eh... I can't make them like me or my writing).

And oh!  I have a nephew now!  The baby came.  I still haven't met him though... which I'd really, really like to do super soon.

...

Feeling everything just slip away from me.  Disappointing people, disappointing myself.  I'm not enough.  Not good enough, smart enough, or warm enough to be loved enough to feel like anyone means it.  I'm so tired of this... of always feeling like this.  I don't want to be and feel alone anymore, yet here I am.  Everything feels hopeless.  Just whatever.  I feel so much and I don't have the fucking words to express any of it.  I'm sad.

So what do I make of this?

Today my mood has been weird.  I used to describe these moods as a "rubber ball" mood -- it bounces up, quite high, and goes down as low as it possibly can.  I mean, I guess the real word to use there is "unstable," but that doesn't sound as nice, does it?

Like earlier... I was pretty low.  Some weird sad/mad combo that I couldn't quite describe.  Then I got a little better (and I wrote!  I was so pleased!  I still am pleased about that, tbh).  But right now I'm pretty low again.  Maybe not as bad as I was earlier... but noticeably low.  I don't know.

I just kinda want my birthday to be over.  And by "kinda," I mean I wish it wasn't happening now or ever, but since we can't make it skip from the 14th to the 16th, I'll just be glad when it's done and I don't have to think about how a) no one cares (to the point that even I don't care) and b) I won't get what I want or to do what I want.

But hell.  I shouldn't focus on that.  A good thing happened.  I wrote for the first time in like two weeks... and I'm pretty sure it's not even terrible.  So huzzah!

*inhuman noises*

And not the happy kind.

I don't know.  There's just a lot of thoughts swirling around in my head and I can't follow any of them through to their logical completion.  I'm upset about  a lot of things.  I haven't seen Guardians of the Galaxy.  No one cares about my birthday.  It feels like no one cares about me.  I'm lonely.  I'm sad and tired.  I can't write.  I'm broke.  Robin Williams is dead.

I don't remember what it was like to get anything but disappointment.

And I... I think I just realized I won't even have cake on my birthday.  I'm not going to have the one present I wanted, I'm not doing anything special, and I won't get cake.  Can't imagine I'll even get alcohol or a meal that is in any way special.

For several days straight I've felt like I was about to cry.  You know that awful feeling, right before the tears fall?  That moment when you feel so weak and vulnerable, but you know it's coming and you can't stop it?  Yeah, for days... three or four.  I don't know... they blend together at this point.  I've teared up a little, but the actual crying hasn't happened but I kinda wish it would?  I just want to get the emotion thing over with.  I feel like someone should just punch me in the face or something... that oughta get the tears flowing.

is a title necessary for every post?

I don't know where I am right now.  Like, not physically obviously... I mean I don't know where I am emotionally or how I got here.  Because believe it or not, there was a point there when I was doing better... but I'm getting bad again, going downhill so quickly.  Like I'm on a fucking slippery slope and there's no way to stop, not even if I drag my feet.

Everything makes me sad.  Everything makes me mad.  I don't even have the energy to carry on acting like I'm okay.  I feel so fucking alone, and I know I have people, but I feel like I've drained them of all their compassion already and if I try to go back for more, there's not going to be anything there.  And that's not even a reflection of them in most cases.  It's me, it's always me, and my inability to fucking socialize or do anything but worry about my own pissant little fucking problems.

How did I get here?  And more importantly, where are the directions out of here?

-.-

When my mom starts talking to me about finances and our many, many financial problems, I tend to reach a certain point where I can't handle it anymore and I mentally check out.  This doesn't solve the problems at all... but it makes it easier for me to keep from getting any more anxious and stressed out than I already am.  But sometimes I check too far out... and I end up losing details from my memory.  I think I've said before that when I'm at my lowest, I sometimes lose whole chunks of memory... like, for example, I don't remember much of April.  I remember the 23rd and the 27th for various reasons.  But whatever.

It's probably not healthy to check out that way.  And maybe it isn't even depression that makes me forget things... maybe I've got a brain tumor or some illness or something.  That would be just my luck.

But that whole checking out thing... that's why I suck at being an adult.  That's why I'm not a real adult.  That's why I should age backwards on my birthday.

What if I just used this blog as my diary?

I might do that.

So lately I've been feeling like a bad person.  Like okay, yeah... I always feel like a bad person, but lately, I don't know.  I just feel like I'm being a bitch all the time, and yet I can't stop myself from having every word come out like I'm Miranda Priestly telling you your use of florals in the spring line is groundbreaking.

Okay, maybe I'm not that bad.  But I keep feeling like I'm not being as warm as I should be.  Maybe it's because I'm fast approaching my 63rd birthday and I'm acting like a crotchedy old woman.

And I also really hate looking back at this blog, at my old posts.  You can tell when I started to become... whatever the fuck I am now... the quality of writing drops and the voice changes drastically.  You can barely say that I even have a voice at certain points.  It's like a lively young person began this blog and then handed it over to a metaphorical zombie.  Looking back just reminds me of everything I've lost... and back then I didn't even feel like I had anything special.  And maybe I didn't... but it's still more than now.

Sometimes I get mad at myself for feeling like how I feel.  Like I should just be able to will myself out of it.  Seriously, if anyone gives you that crap about making yourself feel happy or deciding to be happy, you should just roll your eyes or shove them or something.  And if anyone is reading this and you happen to be the mythical creature that can make him or herself just be happy, I both envy and fear you.

What a rambling blog post about nothing.  This is what my diaries were like when I kept them.

Losing Time and Stuff

So I said I would do this once a week.  That was over a week ago and I haven't been back.  But here I am now.

Over the past week, I have done some things.  I don't remember most of it... which I'm not happy about.  I've noticed that when I'm in a not-good place (depression wise) that I lose chunks of memory.  I don't know if that's normal or if it's just me.

But I do know I went to brunch with my mom on sunday and I got carded when I ordered a mimosa.  The waitress thought I looked young... not sure if it was the grey hair or what.  On monday I went the friend people to dinner at KC's Steakhouse and had the delicious pork chop and a couple of cocktails.  I also got caught up on some animes I've been watching.  Although since I got caught up on all of them, one of them released a new episode.

I think I may have still been doing NaNo when I last posted?  I don't remember.  Well, either way... I finished that.  But as usual lately, I kinda cheated... not a novel, but a collection of terrible short stories/vignettes/whatever you want to call them.  They're all about gay superheroes... like I care.

I feel like something else happened this week?

Oh!  I got to spend time with my little niece.  She's cool.

And in like a week and a half, I have a birthday.  I'm turning 40.  Actually, I'm turning 26, but I feel 40.  And if I start accepting how empty and blandyougurt my life is at 26 and just admit to the fact that I'm middle aged, it might be easier when I'm actually 40 and have accomplished nothing and have nothing.  Yay...