little

I've been thinking about my kids lately.  A lot, actually.  More than usual.  No, I don't have kids yet, but I want them.  I've always wanted to be a mother some day... and I want it so badly that sometimes (often) I feel an actual physical ache.  It's like that weird feeling I get in my hands when I'm sad and anxious, only it's in my chest... and I have to try and wrap my arms around my body just so I can hold myself together.

So I've been thinking about these kids I don't have... and how much I already love them, even though they haven't even been conceived yet.  I may not be good at much, but I honest to God believe I'd be a good mother.  If I didn't think so, I wouldn't want to do it so badly.  And I am just getting to the point that I'm going to maim the next person who laughs at me when I say that I want babies.  How is that funny?  How is that wrong?  How can you sit there and laugh at me for wanting that?  I really don't understand.

Maybe it's funny because you need a man to get pregnant and the thought of me attracting a man is so laughable.  I mean, sure, I think so too... but laughing to my face seems unnecessary.  After some of the things that have been said to me before, I shouldn't be surprised, yet here I am.  Maybe they think that I'm too unstable to be a good mother... and fair enough.  That's something I worry about as well.  But a lot of people have had depression and anxiety and still were good parents.  It's not like that's impossible.

I just... I don't know.  I want it so bad, and it feels like I've already waited so long.  And with each passing day, it feels a little bit more like it'll never happen.

Stop raining on all my fucking parades

I should be really happy right now, and in a way, I am.  So yay.  =)  But there's something stuck in my craw, I can't let it go... and even worse, I have no safe place to vent about it without it coming back to bite me in the ass.  I mean, I guess I could put it here (since not a lot of people read this blog) but I don't want to take that chance.  I'd like to have someone validate how I'm feeling so I know if I'm being crazy (which, I know... crazy?  ME?  But I'm so stable!)... but I can't.  *sigh*

If this was tumblr, this post would be under a read more link

Today was not a bad one, as far as days go.  Like the actual day itself was uneventful and calm.

But as for my emotional state?  One of the worst I've had in a while.  I was very low and felt hopeless.  Cried several times and had to hug Clark plushy and just... lay on my bed for a while.  I just... I didn't feel like I would survive this afternoon, for one reason or another.

But hey.  You know what?  I did.

I'm feeling a little better now... not ready to climb K2 or anything, but still... better.  But man... I don't want to go back to this afternoon.  I need to look into some options for therapy because it's really long past time I start getting myself in order.  I'm a mess.

Clever Title Goes Here

I don't really remember what happened this week (besides yesterday, which I'll get to in a minute).  I was going to say I watched Parks and Rec, but I think that was last week.  I worked on a character of mine and got her more or less tweaked to where I want her.  I'm actually really happy about that, so go me.  I was going to write, just get something out and try to finish something, but it still hasn't happened.  And since no one is reading this blog, I can just admit this: it terrifies me.  It scares the hell out of me when I can't write for an extended period of time.  I'm not good at much, and writing is at least something I'm sorta good at it... and I like it.  I had finally started to feel like I was growing as a writer.  But if I can't write, what's the point?  Why am I even still here without that?  What the hell good am I to anyone?  None.  None whatsoever.

That got really negative.  I'm sorry.

Anyways, yesterday!  Yesterday was good.  I went to Disneyland.  =)  I Disneybounded Maleficent and I feel like I looked cute too.  My eye makeup was so on point though.  I put this matte, grass green shade on my lids and then i took a shimmery lavender color and used that on my brow bone and upper lid area.  The purple and green overlapped but I didn't blend.  The line was very soft because of the brush I used.  I really love that eyeshadow brush.  It's this kind, though not a MAC brand because I'm poor.  Anyways, we had a fun day.  We rode Indiana Jones and Pirates of the Caribbean, two rides I hadn't been on in quite a while.  I got some new pins and a new Mickey Mouse doll dressed as Burt from Mary Poppins.  He's so cute!

And also, yeah.  I've been having an appetite lately.  It's interesting though.  I had been getting one meal a day (sometimes and a snack), unless I was around people.  Lately I've been eating shortly after I wake up and actually feeling hungry again later, so I've had to have more to eat.  My stomach still has trouble sometimes (it actually got feeling really funny after breakfast yesterday and it got upset after I had had lunch and later some mango slices) but at least my appetite is trying to come around.  Like right now.  I had breakfast earlier and now it's almost five and I'm hungry.

So yeah.

colon three

I had two good days in a row.  And not just good by my standards... good in general.  Yesterday I had soup and went to see Guardians of the Galaxy (and really enjoyed it) and today I went to the comic book store and came home and read some comics and watched Parks and Rec.  And I've been in a pretty good mood.
But like... this is weird.  I discovered even when I'm in a good mood I'm not really in a good mood?  I don't know how to describe it, but like basically when I start feeling happy there's unhappy under the surface so I work harder to keep happy overpowering unhappy but end up tired because it takes a lot of energy to act like I'm feeling better than I am.  I don't even know.

But that's like exactly what I don't want to dwell on right now.  Because I am doing alright.  These past couple of days have been good and I'm thankful for that.  Especially given that the day before yesterday was really bad and I'm not interested in going back.  (Long story that I've lost most of the details of anyways.)

SO yeah.  Good days.  And like... I don't know.  I'm really hoping I keep having good days.  Can you imagine?  What if next time I posted to this blog I was just like, "Best.  Week.  Ever!"  That would be amazing.

And I don't know if anyone is reading this blog (sometimes I really, really hope not) but if you are, thanks for being there.

Round-Up Day

Yet another week where I can't tell you what the fuck I did.  I didn't do anything special... I woke up every day, ate at least one meal a day, sat at my computer, and then ended up in bed again.  One of those days I watched several episodes of anime of one kind or another (which was good... like really good).  I wrote a drabble (posted it to tumblr... didn't get a huge reaction but eh... I can't make them like me or my writing).

And oh!  I have a nephew now!  The baby came.  I still haven't met him though... which I'd really, really like to do super soon.

...

Feeling everything just slip away from me.  Disappointing people, disappointing myself.  I'm not enough.  Not good enough, smart enough, or warm enough to be loved enough to feel like anyone means it.  I'm so tired of this... of always feeling like this.  I don't want to be and feel alone anymore, yet here I am.  Everything feels hopeless.  Just whatever.  I feel so much and I don't have the fucking words to express any of it.  I'm sad.