I did it again

You may have noticed that I haven't posted about my October book.  I got behind again.  What with work, the online class, social commitments and other plans, plus not having a lot of energy (thanks depression! and also.... thanks life!) and not really feeling like reading as much when I was free, I haven't made as much progress as I planned.  I did actually end up spending a lot of my reading time in the last few weeks reading Halloween themed comics to get me in the mood for Halloween.  Plus, I bought them on sale on comixology recently, so I wanted to actually read them so I wouldn't feel bad about spending the money, lol.  But yeah, so... once again, I'm late on finishing this book.  It's not anything to do with the actual book (I'm enjoying that immensely) life just happens, unfortunately.  I'm also holding off on my actual book log post until I have the book finished.  I did start it in October, so I want to list it on my August-October book log post... and I don't feel right listing it if I haven't finished it yet, lol.  I had only been doing two months per post, but since things have been eh lately I haven't read as much as usual, so it would have been even shorter than it unfortunately is.  I go through phases recently where I either read voraciously or not at all.  I'm reading a little, but not enough... and the sheer amount of library book and whatnot I want to get through is intimidating me and making me read less.  Anxiety kicks in, lol.  So.... I'm fighting life as well as my own shitty brain.  But I love reading, I don't want to lose that hobby or that love, due to depression or fucking anything else... and reading a lot is one of the things that makes you a better writer.  So I will read as much as I can, but I also need to learn to lower my expectations, and not make it seem like a chore.  It's a gift... and I'm grateful.

you know that feeling when..........

...you're tired for no reason (or, you know, because of the untreated depression lol) and you have stuff to do, but you're tired and also struggling with executive dysfunction, so those things seem insurmountable, but then you feel guilty for not doing them because you're unemployed and have no children so what right do you even have to ever be tired?  It sounds so stupid, so very very stupid.  I'm such a bad, lazy, worthless person.  And also I've been trying hard to can the negative self talk and believe it or not I've gotten better, lol.  It's just really hard not to think negative things when you feel negative things.  It's shit honestly.

i think i'm having what the kids call

a major depressive episode

unimpressed emoji

days are so interminably long in the summer.  you're hot and miserable and depressed, because you have clinical depression (although also because it's so goddamn hot and that would depress anyone), and things just suck more.  you just want to find some taste of joy to make the time pass but you don't enjoy anything because you're a miserable excuse for a human and also it's your own fault you're that way.  i am not happy.

summer

It's officially summer, and it's very hot and inconsistent, and unpleasant in its inconsistency.  I've already been swimming three times this summer, which is probably the most I've swam in one season since I was a kid.  It's nice.  I dyed my hair purple with semi permanent dye... but my hair is so dark it isn't super obvious, but I like it anyways.  I'm trying to do little things to like... keep my emotions in check lol.  Depression is hard so I'm trying to just... live my life anyways.  That's the way to do it, right?

blargh

you know that feeling where you're weary of life lol... like not even for specific reasons, but because being alive and having to navigate everything that comes with it is A Lot

Ugh

Due to depression and life stress, I didn't finish reading my March book for the 12 meses, 12 libros challenge.  I do plan to finish it and do a write up on it, but it'll be late (obviously, since we're already in April lol).  But I did actually read more than one book in March, so I'm still technically not breaking any rules or anything.  Just late.  April is kinda cool since the theme is just a borrowed book, and most of what I've been reading lately is borrowed from the library, so I've got lots of options.  I think I do know which book I'll do.