Okay

I've been all right the last couple of days, which is cause for celebration.  Some of the haze has lifted, and I'm really feeling the relief of that.  I know it's cyclical for me usually, so sometimes it's really bad for a couple of weeks and then it'll let up for a while.  It doesn't really help during the bad time to focus on the fact that that is what has happened in the past... but I'll try it anyways next time.

I'm still lonely though.  I guess that's unrelated.  I'm lonely and sometimes feel alone.  I feel like an obligation to people.  I realize it's me being sensitive, it's my mean brain telling me things I don't need to hear... that likely aren't even true... but still.  It's hard to escape those thoughts when they're lurking in every corner of my brain.

I try though.

I often feel like I drive people away just by being myself, but I don't know any other way to be.  I used to be really different, I'm realizing.  My energy level was higher, I was better at interacting with people, my fuse was longer, my sense of humor was different.  I wish I could be that person again... but I think at this point I've hurt her enough that she isn't coming back.

The options are this or nothing, and really "nothing" isn't even an option.

(title)

So I'm trying hard.  It doesn't show, of course in my actions and you can't hear it in my words.  But I'm trying.  I'm trying not to lose this battle.  I'm trying not to go from bad to worse.  I'm trying to keep my head above water.  I feel like I'm failing, though.  I wonder if my effort really matters, if it really counts, if no one else can see it and it ends in a failure anyways.

I feel like such a mess.

I'm almost done

I don't know what I'm doing anymore.  Not with my life, not on a day to day basis... not even in regards to small unimportant things.  I don't want to be here anymore.  But whatever.  I'm not going anywhere though... I'll be fine.

I've been struggling a lot.  Sleeping is hard, thinking non negative thoughts is hard, getting out of bed in the morning is hard.  Last night I was so miserable I literally ached... I could feel sadness spreading through my chest... and I don't even know why.  There was nothing different going on.  I was just more or less fine until I wasn't, and then it felt like there was a pile of bricks on me.

I'm 27 years old now.  How old will I be when I feel like I'm functioning right again?  How old will I be before I stop living in a constant rut of doldrums?  I try so hard to pick myself up, but it just feels like too much.  What if I never reach the point where I'm strong enough to do it?  How can I live with myself if this is who I'm going to be for the rest of my life?

broken heart emoticon

So today has been weird.  At times I was fine -- pretty good even.  Other times I was quite low.  Last night was the same way.  It was what I've often described as my rubber ball mood.  Bouncing up and down, so fast... I can barely keep up.  And right now, I just feel weird.  I feel off and wrong somehow, and I just want things to make sense.

Part of it, I'm thinking, is coming from my birthday.  I'm not looking forward to it.  I'm looking forward to my birthday present, but I don't care about the day.  It's not a reason to celebrate that I'm still here, because if I'm being totally honest, I don't really want to be.  It's supposed to be this day where everyone who loves you just reminds you how happy they are that you're here, but no one is happy about it.  I don't see what I contribute to anyone or anything, and I honestly can't blame other people for not being all that enthused about my existence.

And like... this isn't even a particularly negative feeling for me.  It's just kind of *shrug*.  I just don't care what happens to me anymore and I'm not even sad about it.  It just is.  It probably sounds like I'm really sad, and I guess I am low, but I'm not like... feeling sadness.  I guess it's another numb thing... and now I feel dumb.  Usually whenever I "feel weird" it's this.  I should have realized that sooner and it would have made sense sooner.

something

So sometimes I'm sad.  Sometimes I'm angry.  Sometimes I just hurt, not even for any reason.  And other times, I feel nothing at all.  The emptiness is weird and scary but also, when it comes at the tail end of an extreme bout of one of those other emotions, it's kind of a relief in a weird way.  Right now I feel the empty.  Early today I was angry and my fuse was very short.  I was very misanthropic and I could have named about three people on the planet that I didn't detest at that moment.  And now I don't have the energy to feel anything.  It doesn't even take energy but I don't have it.  I just feel weird, I don't know.  Like I want to do better, stop being awful, but how?  How do I make myself care that I'm doing nothing with my life and generally am a piece of shit?  Tough questions.