I want to die.  Like... sometimes I just want it so bad.  I wish I could get shot by a sniper or ran over by a car or drown in the bathtub or something.  I'm tired.  Life sucks.  And when I try to do things to improve it, they backfire and things suck worse.  When I do nothing, things fester and suck worse.  And I just... no.  Twenty seven years has been long enough.  I'm okay not making it much longer.

Well, shit

So life chugs on very much in the same fashion.  It hasn't been great but we're all still alive, so awesome.  I had a really good day yesterday.  That's not sarcasm either... it was a very good day.  But today has been kind of the exact opposite.  Very much in my own head.  I didn't get much sleep last night, it was a struggle to get out of bed this morning, and a black cloud has hung over me and I can't seem to quite get out from underneath.  But... whatever.  I'm dealing with it, hoping it'll pass.

Yesterday I wrote a lot and made a candle.  I was around people, and I'm pretty sure I was more outgoing than usual (which is good... I really want to be less weird and awkward and offputting lol).  I'm hoping for more days like that.

Sometimes we get what we deserve

Bad things happen to me quite regularly.  Not feeling sorry for myself, just stating an objective fact.  And I might think to myself at times, "I didn't deserve that.  I'm a good person.  Why do these things keep happening?"  But the truth is that that is a load of crap.  A load of crap I sell myself to try and feel better... to excuse myself for feeling bad.  Because I'm not a good person.  I'm lazy, I snap at people, I whine a lot.  I'm selfish, self-destructive, and a drama queen.  I do deserve all the bad things that happen to me.  And they happen because it's my fault.  Everything that's wrong is my fault.

This post is hard to write.  Not because I have something difficult to say, but because I have many feelings (mostly negative ones) and I can't sort them well enough to describe them.  I'm also having some writer's block, which is just making me feel worse.  I know this goes without saying, but life is hard.  It's rather unfair, too.  And right now, it must be really strong and violent because it's kicking my ass.

So it's 2016

It's a new year, and by all accounts, I seem to still be the same, inside and out.  Things have been extremely difficult lately.  My grandma died on the 28th of December after her long, painful battle with ovarian cancer.  I miss her and I'm sad she's gone.  It's good that she isn't suffering and in pain anymore... but even though that knowledge should make it easier, it doesn't really... and I feel pretty selfish for that.  As far as the five stages of grief, I experience a mix of depression and anger... but then again, that's all the time.  Add to that a truly awful Christmas, my own depression and fairly self-destructive tendencies, the stress of everything going on at home (did I go into that before? I don't remember), frequent back pain, and a slight cold that can't decide if it's truly ready to hit me, the last week or so has been absolute horse shit.  2015 sucked from beginning to end, but good god did it ever show its ass right there at the end.

I'm trying to have like a positive outlook or whatever since it's a new year, but... that isn't working.  It's not as easy as just "choosing happiness" for some of us... and the next person who suggests it is may get tripped if they happen to walk past me.

I'm having a lot of... not happy feelings.  I mean, I guess that's understandable, but I just can't deal with it, you know?  I just want to go to sleep right now and not wake up again for like six months.

Goals for 2016

1. Stop expecting people to love me as much as I love them.  That's just not realistic. 
2. Stop expecting people to like me as much as I like them.  Ditto above reasoning.
3. Eat more often.  I often forget to eat, have no motivation or desire to eat, and have a difficult relationship with food anyways as I don't really love my body as much as I would like to someday.
4. Stop being so fucking lazy, jfc.
5. Drink enough water even when it's cold.  
6. Read all those comic books I download. 
7. Watch all those shows I add to my netflix queue.
8. Cleaning.  I need to do a lot of cleaning.

Loss

It's weird sometimes when you're sad about things.  You know that in the long run this stuff isn't the worst thing that could happen, yet it still just feels too big to handle?  Like even though your shit is not that huge, it just is beating you.

I sometimes am hard on myself because of how sad and beat down I can get, and how things that I do feel others could tolerate just reduce me to tears.  I feel weak and mad at myself for being weak when it could be SO much worse.

But... I'm reminded of this image:

(Loss by Lycanium on DeviantArt)

The artist states that they aren't responsible for the captions often accompanying the image, but the caption I've most often seen if "pain is relative."  And that's true, isn't it?  Because at different points in life, you're able to take more than at other points.  It isn't wrong... it's just... life.  Maybe with time I'll get stronger.  Maybe I'm stronger than I realize right now.  Or maybe I'll stay kind of weak but I'll make it anyways.  But just because other people have serious problems it doesn't make anyone else's problems less real.  When I get down on myself, I have to try and remember that it's VALID.  My feelings are valid... everyone's feelings are valid.  It's nothing to be ashamed of.