why it's okay to give people the attention they so obviously want

You know sometimes you feel like "no one cares about me."  And then you chastise yourself for it, because it's not true.  You know it's not.  Even if you're not surrounded by friends and family, there will always be someone.  Unless you're a truly horrible person, you wish others well... and that's proof that everyone has someone who cares.  But when that's how you feel, it's hard to tell yourself otherwise.  You can get mad at yourself for saying it and then you tell yourself things like, "see how ungrateful you are?  That's why no one likes you."

But anyways, lol...

I remember why I actually started writing this post.  The topic of attention seeking.  I've been really scared of being seen as seeking attention, which is why I post most of my long posts about my emotions HERE rather than on facebook, where I have a couple hundred people on my friends list, or tumblr, where I have a lot(ish) of followers... or even on twitter (where I have just enough followers).  No one (or very, very few people) read this blog, so I feel more able to be open.  There's such a stigma around the whole idea of seeking attention.  Like it makes you a bad person or something, or self-centered or something.

But... maybe when you see someone doing or saying something you think is because they want attention, maybe a more productive thing to do would be to wonder why they want attention.  Are they lonely?  Because loneliness is crushing, and maybe it's easier for them to make posts online than to address someone directly.  Maybe they're scared of whatever they're feeling and they want reassurance that others have dealt with the same thing and got past it.  Maybe they're in need of support because those immediately around them aren't offering them enough.  Maybe they've done something cool and want to be recognized for it.  In those cases, they usually deserve it.  Maybe they do just want it for no reason, but I mean doesn't everyone feel like that every once in a while?

Maybe instead of being an asshole and assuming the worst, and ignoring people to teach them a lesson because you obviously know their situation more than they do, be kind.  Be understanding.  Engage.  At the very least, give a pity like.

Hollywood Babylon

My latest interest, a mini hobby we could call it, is reading about early Hollywood scandals and indeed old Hollywood stars -- typically silent film stars, though I'm not a particular fan of silent films (I don't hate them, but my favorite area of classic cinema is the 1940s, so that's what I usually watch).  It all started when I was looking for pictures of borzois and found a picture of ill-fated silent film actress Olive Thomas and became captivated by her beauty.  When I read up on her, I was understandably intrigued by her mysterious death in 1920 after accidentally ingesting mercury bichloride.

Olive is an interesting person to read about.  She came from a poor background and became a model and a star of Ziegfeld's Follies.  She broke into movies and quickly became popular.  One of her last films, one of few known to still survive, was The Flapper, a comedy in which she paved the way for the wild and liberated young women in the tradition of Louise Brooks and Clara Bow in the mid and late twenties.  Nowadays, most people who know about her mostly study her death, attempting to prove it was suicide or that her Jack Pickford, rumored to be a syphilitic drug addict philanderer, killed her.  None of that has been (or honestly can be) proven, and I honestly believe her death was a sad accident.  But she lived a very interesting life and had a lot of talent.  It's sad she's mostly remembered for her death... if you're reading this blog and you don't know who she is, do yourself a favor and google her.

Another scandal I've found fascinating is the murder of silent film director William Desmond Taylor.  This case is really interesting because so much about it is uncertainty and conjecture.  The case remains unsolved to this day, and almost all the suspects were noted personalities in the movie business at the time.  It's widely believed that executives from Paramount Studios did much to cover up the truth behind the murder, to keep further scandals to a minimum as the general public was beginning to think Hollywood was too wild.  I would go into more detail, but I don't have my own theory as to who the murderer was.  I'm impressionable, so I tend to agree with whichever article I've last read.  Hearst would have loved me.  For more information, check out Taylorology, an online newspaper compiling contemporary news pieces relating to William Desmond Taylor, stars associated with him and possibly related to his murder or the other high profile scandals of the time. 

One figure whose name is linked to Taylor's murder is Mabel Normand, silent film comedienne and frequent costar of Charlie Chaplain and Fatty Arbuckle.  

Mabel was the last person (besides the murderer) to see William Desmond Taylor alive, as they were good friends and she had visited with him earlier in the evening and he lent her a book as he often did.  She was never seriously considered as a suspect in his murder, but she was devastated by the loss and her career was damaged.  She's another person that lived an interesting life, fraught with scandal.  But she was one of the most popular comic actresses of the time, and she also wrote and directed movies as well.  I've always found her to be interesting and quite beautiful, but her life is also something of a sad story.  It's thought that the thing that cemented her friendship with William Desmond Taylor was his desire to help her quit using drugs, and one of the theories is that he was murdered by drug dealers who were disgruntled by him interfering with their business.  Interestingly enough, Mabel was also very good friends with Olive and was quite saddened by her sudden death.  She bought several pieces of Olive's jewelry and a toilet set from the sale of her estate. 

My mom went to the hospital last week.  As you can probably understand, this was a difficult time with worrying about her and hoping she'd be okay and being alone in the house (more than usual).  But I sort of dedicated that time to doing things around the house and keeping busy.  I had a focus.  She's home now and is doing better.  And I'm relieved about that.  Last night and today, however, have been difficult for me.  I don't have so much to focus on as I did last week (because she's getting annoyed with me trying to help her... she's very self-sufficient and is used to being the nurse, not having someone try to nurse her).  I also have been dealing with lots of my own usual negative feelings.  So there's a lot going on inside my head and nothing to distract me from it, and I don't know what to do.

NaNo Cravings

This blog post is just going to be a list of the different foods and drinks I remember craving during NaNoWriMo (thus far... I've still got a few days and few thousand words to go).

• Blondies
• Doritos
• Street tacos
• Oreos
• Spaghetti with turkey meatballs
• Onion rings
• Tequila
• French fries
• Nachos
• Chorizo
• Mozzarella sticks

NaNo Hell

So I'm writing NaNo, as I do.  It's really a lot.  Really fucking extra.  What happens is that I write a lot because I have to and still feel like I'm not doing enough.  I complain about how much work it is, and then those around me guilt me for not taking it on the chin -- after all, I did sign up for it.  The experience overall does help one grow as a writer.  It's valuable and sometimes a very good project comes out of it... or at least the first draft for something that could become good.  However, it's still hell.  It's still a lot of work and a lot mental energy gets expended.  And I'll complain about it.  I'm sure I'm annoying... but there we are.  That's what I do.

Is it just me or is it harder to talk to people when you're really lonely?  i just like... I don't know... I wish I had more friends and people who really, really wanted to talk to me and be with me, but I suck at talking to people so I can't make friends.

God, all I do is whine.  I'm really sorry if you are for some reason reading this blog.

dffghjknm

Sometimes in life you cling to whatever little bit of happiness you can find.  Sometimes the happiness is purely superficial, and you feel bad about it, but you're so desperate to feel something that's good.  But then the thing goes away, and you're left with nothing again and it gets worse and worse and you feel worse and worse (even though you already felt pretty bad) and there's nothing to be happy about so you don't want to go on.

I don't get that thing anymore.  I don't want to go on.