pensive

When I was younger, I used to imagine myself in this adult life surrounded by people who loved me.  That was all I wanted... a few close, true friends and a small family (maybe a spouse, a kid or two, and some pets).  I figured that was all I would need to be happy.  But now I'm an adult, and I don't have that... and I'm not happy.  I do have a few friends, and I'm grateful for them... but I also have many people masquerading as friends who just drain me.  They don't mean to, I know they don't... but they take advantage of my kindness.  I've been hurt, and I have a hard time letting people in, but when I do let you in I'm loyal and true to you and patient with you... and people take advantage of that.  I had people who loved me when I was little (my grandparents mostly) but they're gone now.  I experienced love then, but I don't feel like I do anymore, and I keep ending up with people that I feel are unwilling to try and give that to me.  I seek people who don't know how to love because I don't know how to accept love??? I don't know, maybe.  Maybe I expect too much of people.  Maybe I don't understand the way others express emotions.  Maybe I don't even deserve better and should just stop.  I should just stop, lol.  Just accept it.