feelings

Sometimes when you don't feel good, people will try to cheer you up.  Sometimes this works, if even just because it's nice to know others are concerned.  But sometimes it makes you feel worse... you're mad at yourself because some kind person is trying to help you but you're just being ungrateful for that.  That's how you feel.  You feel like there's something wrong with you because you're not being cheered up by their kindness... like if it helps others, it should help you too... but because it doesn't, you're broken.  You must be.  And people say nice things -- kind and generous words that make you smile and/or blush -- but as much as you know these people care about you, you can't believe it.  Like part of you knows it's true but you won't believe it anyways.  Our brains are so unkind to us... mine treats me like shit.  And I'm tired of it and I hate it.

I want it to stop.  All of it.  It's too much.  I'm so fucking tired.  I want out.

I am so tired of not being okay.  Like, it's honestly exhausting.  I'm tired of it, and the people around me are tired of it... and me.  Maybe I need new people... but how, with social anxiety, could i hope to meet them, lol.  I'm feeling so sorry for myself right now and it's in no way attractive, but there we are.  I'm trying to pull myself up by my bootstraps or however the saying goes but I just... would rather... idk, die.

Creation

I used to like to cook and bake.  I used to like to craft... to make things out of other things.  Writing used to come really easy.  There was a time, that I was very into creating things, and I was good at it.  Nowadays, doing any of those things takes A LOT out of me, and some days it feels impossible.  I want to get back to when I used to be able to derive enjoyment from those things.  I really do.