Colon Three Face

Today was a good day.  I had Chinese food and got new pony things for my pony collection.  And I did things for myself.  My hand is healing enough that I can do more now than I could when I first got bitten.  I do feel myself beginning to trust Pluto again too.  Maybe soon I'll let him sleep in my room again.  Good days are so few and far between for me that it always feels monumental when I have one, so I've decided that those are just as important (if not more important) to put down in my blog so I can remember them.

buster bluth

So my dog bit my hand the other day.  In addition to the incredible physical pain, I can barely use the hand.  I feel useless, and I wonder if I will ever be able to use it normally again.  Plus there's the fact that I feel unsafe around my own dog, and also guilty for not giving him the same kind of love I used to... and the occasional vivid flashback.  The stress of this, the feelings of uselessness and hopelessness and sadness, plus the normal life stress, depression and anxiety have all added up and I'm really struggling to keep going.  I don't want to anymore.  If this is what life is going to continue to be, I'd rather not continue with it.

Today has given me a lot to think about.  In fact, all day I've done almost nothing but think.  And I made a decision... arrived at a conclusion, to be more accurate.  I fucking hate myself lmao.  Like... I try not to... but it's really hard not to?  There's nothing here to like, so I don't.  And then I'm conscious of the fact that I am supposed to like myself, even LOVE myself... and I just don't.  I don't know how to, and I am really trying to learn, but it's not easy.

t is for trapped

that's how I've been feeling today.  Trapped.  Like for literally no reason, or no reason in particular... I just feel trapped.  And I wanna claw my way out but like... out of what?  what are these feelings even?  I hate it. =/  Anxiety isn't good today.  The depression is extra depression-y today.  I would like to die.  I'm just argh.  Like... just... I hate it.

fucking argh

I've asked two people today if I was annoying.  They both said no, but I don't get in what way I could be considered anything else.  I talk a lot about dumb things and my voice is squeaky and should have gotten deeper when I was like 12 but it didn't so I still sound 11, and just... lots of things.  UGH.

It's anxiety, right?

But like... I can tell myself that but I also will be thinking "lol no it's not, you're annoying and no one likes you :)" but I don't want to think like that and i can't turn the thoughts off.  I'm so upset.

Sometimes I get so sad that it hurts.  It physically hurts.  And I just want to die, but I'm still here.  Sometimes I wonder why...w hy am I still here?  what the hell good am i to anyone?  It doesn't feel like much.  I hurt when I feel like no one cares but I can't blame them... I don't deserve people to care about me.  I'm so sorry to anyone who may be reading this blog for always being negative shit, always always, but this is like the easiest place to vent (without like purchasing a diary lol).