The Hermit

I literally don't remember when was the last time I left this house.  And that's not like a hyperbolic "I can't remember" or a figure of speech or whatever... I literally can't remember because it's been that long.  At least two weeks.  Maybe I'm not crazy, just stir crazy.  But fuck.  I've got nowhere to go.

blargh

I feel like a bad friend and a bad person.  I don't know how to fix myself, and I feel bad about that... kind of hate myself for it.  I also feel pretty stupid and lazy.  This "loving yourself" thing and not blaming yourself all the time is so hard.  I feel like a mess.  I don't know.  It's also weird and hard because yesterday was a pretty decent day mood wise and this morning had been alright.  But now I feel like crap.  It's stupid and frustrating.

Realization

I've been putting in a lot of work in trying to be okay, trying to get better and believe in myself and all that other good stuff.  It's not always easy.  Hell, it's never easy.  But I'm going to be okay.  I've decided.  It will be because I say it is so.

It's Valentine's Day

Sometimes I feel really unloved.  Like, starting with myself and going right down every relative and friend I have, I feel like no one loves me.  I don't love myself no matter how hard I try.  If there was a way to divorce oneself without all that messy dying, I'd have done it a long time ago.  And see, I'm looking at everything I've written here and it's like "God, could you be any more pathetic?  Look at you feeling sorry for yourself... this is very unattractive, and it's why no one likes you."  And I hate thinking like that, and I'm trying so hard not to, to unlearn that.  It isn't easy.  They tell you no one will love you if you don't love yourself, but what about if you can't love yourself?  What if you've spent 26 years trying and have sometimes been able to fake it, but really haven't mastered it?  What then?  Will no one ever love you?  Are you doomed to a life with no friends and no romantic prospects?  Should you just accept at 26 that you'll probably never have the children you've always wanted because no one finds you appealing enough to date and/or marry you, let alone get you pregnant?  Will it be any easier to love myself when I'm childless and still single at 50 than it is now?  I don't know.  That was a lot of rambling.

It's been a weird day.

I don't know how to describe how I feel.  This, I think, is part of my problem.  It's not necessarily that I'm sad or whatever, because I mean I guess I kind of am, but also I just feel weird.  Like the nothing feeling I get sometimes.  It's hard to put into words.  Like I was really low when I woke up.  Then I sat around a bit watching tv and goofing off.  For a while I felt better.  I don't know what's up with me right now.  I want a hug.  I want some cuddles.  I want someone to hold my hand.  I want to be someone's very favorite person in the entire world, even if it's just for a bit.  I'm lonely, but also, I don't know.  At the same time as I want all of that, I also want to be left alone.  None of it makes any sense, even to me.

weird things

I've been doing pretty good.  I wrote a lot yesterday -- finished a 2,000 plus word fic and also did two blog posts on my Disney blog.  I was proud of that.  I hadn't been able to write for various reasons (writer's block, no motivation, etc) for a long, long time.  But predictably I'm now feeling lazy and useless and I don't want to write today's post.  It was a movie I like a lot... and I noticed that sometimes those are harder to write, idk.

Right now, I feel kind of weird.  Kind of low.  I don't know.  I don't know where it came from.

And I also just noticed that I have a lot of tension in my shoulders.  I could really go for a massage.  But even if I had money to do that (because they are expensive) I would hate having to be nude, even covered by a towel.  *sigh*  And obviously there's no one in my life that would even give me a simple shoulder rub, let alone a massage.

This saturday is Valentine's Day.  I'm going to spend it with O'Malley and Pluto... two guys who fight over me.

It's been a week

since I last posted to this blog.

Life has been the same.  Good sometimes.  Not good other times.  I'm getting by, or trying to at any rate.

Have been keeping up with my Disney movies.  I'm to the Renaissance years now, and the movies are all really good so watching them has been great, but writing about them has been murder.  I don't know why... maybe because I do like them so much.  Tomorrow is Hunchback, which I don't have on DVD, so I'll be back to netflix.  Which kinda sucks because sometimes (most of the time) netflix plays really laggy and pixelated on my laptop.  Sigh.

The thing I hadn't done in a couple of days?  I did it ten times today.  It's like I wasn't even trying... but I was.  I swear.

I also had a bit of a crying spell today.  Don't even know where it came from.

Oh, and this was interesting.  I had a nightmare last night.  I was back in school (I couldn't tell if it was high school or college, but at my age what's the difference, they're equally ridiculous) and I was inside a building.  It looked like there was like a science fair or something like that going on?  Idk.  And then all of a sudden this weird bat creatures came out of the ceiling.  They had bat heads on spider bodies, but they were the size of cats.  And then were diving on people attacking them.  So everyone was trying to get out of the building but the doors were all far from where I was.  So I was running, and I had my sweater like pulled up over my head.  Bits of plaster were starting to rain down from the ceiling so I had my mouth clamped tight and my lips kind of sucked in.  Suddenly, as I was running, one of the bat creatures flew into me and was trying to bite my side.  I screamed, but with my mouth close.  That was when I woke up with a start, and I head myself screaming as I woke up, only my mouth was clamped shut like in the dream so hardly any sound came out.  It was so weird and creepy and it took me ages to be okay to fall back asleep.  What could that even mean?