Dreams

I had this dream last night about my grandpa.  I really miss him a lot.  In the dream, it was just so normal.  He was here, and he was working on fixing the rickety porch.  I was there, and I was holding a light for him.  It was one of those dreams where it feels really real so I woke up and forgot for a split second that it wasn't.

I don't know.  Life was just better before, when he was here.

People tell me he would be proud of me, but really?  I mean what is there to be proud of?  If anything, I'd be breaking his heart... he always thought I had so much potential, and if I ever did I'm just wasting it.  What could be more disappointing than that?

And then I couldn't really make it out of bed.  It was one of those mornings were it was so hard.  But eventually I did, and then the morning started off shitty and stayed shitty for a while.  It did get better though... the day was pretty decent for the most part.  Right now though I have this massive headache for some reason and everything is pissing me way the fuck off.

Also, since I've last written, I've hardcore fallen in love with My Little Pony.

xxxx

I'm weak, so weak.  There's things I'm not supposed to be doing but I am and things I'm supposed to be doing but I'm not.  I don't know how to cope, I don't know how to direct myself.  And I don't know how to focus.  God, what a fuck up.

Grrrrrrrr

Okay.  I'm honestly trying to be more positive.  It's not fucking working though.  I suck.

not having a title is kind of a title, right?

I feel like I'm doing okay.  Like some days I feel pretty great (I had like two and half lovely days in a row) but yesterday, for example, I eloquently described as "stupid" but today has been slightly better.  I still don't know how to deal with bad days (or bad moments) though.  I am always so ready to go to the bad, self-destructive place I'm trying to stay away from.  I want to do better and be better, so I'm trying really hard.  It's not as easy as you would think.

I haven't been feeling great physically either.  My body just feels off, somehow.  I don't know if that's like a side effect of my head dicking with me or if I'm actually coming down with something.  Who knows anyways.  Who cares, anyways.

But in better news, I'm still keeping up with my Disney movie thing and writing on the blog.  Pretty proud of myself.  Not too many people are ready it, but eh.  Not any different from anything else I've ever written, lol.

it's the 11th of january and i don't have a good title for this post

Today I'm feeling very lonely.  Today I'm sad because I'm so lonely.  Today I'm more convinced than ever that no one actually gives a shit.  I wish I hadn't woken up today.

Meanwhile, I'm about 36 hours clean.  I'm proud of that.  I'm gonna keep going, hopefully.

Last night I was anxious and had trouble sleeping, but I eventually drifted off alright.  I feel like I had a dream, but I don't remember it.

I could use a hug.

lalala

Sometimes I just wish I could take a break from being... whatever the hell you call what I am.  (Besides a fucking mess that is.)  I WANT so badly to be a positive person, and sometimes I can be that for other people but it is hard as hell to be it for others.

So I'm just gonna stick a pin in my feelings for the moment.  And that should be easy because I can't fucking describe how I feel anyways.

I'm just gonna talk about the good stuff that's happened.

Yesterday I went to the dollar theater and saw Gone Girl, which I had been wanting to see.  It was a really good movie.  Fucked up as hell, but good.  Last night I also got almost caught up with Welcome to Night Vale.  I've been getting behind with everything lately... shows, podcasts, comics, etc... so it was nice.  I listened to two episodes, now I just need to hear the newest one.  And I bought a couple of things the other day.  Only spend $20 and got some comics, the Lois and Clark season 1 dvd, and two books.  The comics actually fell through, but still.  $17 for the rest of it ain't bad.

I've been keeping up with my other blog.  The Disney one.  I haven't done today's movie and post yet, however, but I really should.  I'm just being lazy and awful.  Most days I just jump right in and feel totally motivated to do it, and that's a good feeling.  Day before yesterday and today have been the exceptions (which means six out of nine days were going good... that's amazing for me).

Hm.

It's really hard to decide to just stop doing the self-destructive thing and then actually do it.  Like I can decide to stop till the cows comes home but it's just not that easy.  It was way easier to start, but I guess that's the case with anything.  Like I want so badly to just wake up one morning and emerge from my blanket cocoon a new person -- a beautiful butterfly of a strong, self-sufficient woman -- but I don't know how.  I try and fail.  Then I get discouraged so I don't try and I still fail (of course) and then I just tell myself, "see, you were right."

I'm caught in this place now where I simultaneously want someone to notice me struggling and then be there to support me and for no one to notice because I would rather not add "generally pitied by those around her" to the things I use to describe myself when I'm mentally degrading myself.

I don't even know.

I don't care

I don't care what happens anymore.  I don't care what happens to other people, I don't care what happens to me.  I don't care if I never feel better mentally.  I don't care if my body ends up so scarred it looks like a road map.  I don't care if I don't even wake up tomorrow morning.

Yes, it's one of those days.

It's 2015

First post on this blog in the new year!  I've been pretty good about keeping this blog updated like I said I would (and am impressed with myself, idec) and here's hoping I'm able to keep it up.

I didn't really make a new year's resolution.  I probably should have.  I'm just hoping and trying to take better care of myself and be less self-destructive.  I haven't done that one thing since last year (on December 31st) but that's a start.

Anyways, I have a project.  I'm gonna watch all the Disney animated movies in order.  And to keep myself on task, I started a new blog to jot down my thoughts on each movie as I go.  Today is the second day -- Pinocchio -- and so far I'm having a blast.

I went and got comics today and that was awesome.

A pretty darn good day after all.