i'll be there for you

I get really lonely so much these days.  I miss when I was in school and I had this little group of friends.  I wasn't popular at all, but there was a little group of people I liked to spend time with, and I think they liked to spend time with me.  I'd like that again.  I'd like to be in a group like on Friends.  They all see each other all the time and they're so involved with each other's lives, and they're there for each other.  Man, if I had that... I don't know.  It'd be great.

If I did, though, I'd probably screw it up somehow.  I don't really deserve that kind of thing anyways.

So

I've decided I'm gonna start keeping track of these episodes I have -- anxiety attacks, the bad thing I shouldn't do, the like.  I'm hoping that it'll help me make sense of it all in some way and not, y'know, trigger me when I look at it.  And I also hope I don't forget the shorthand I adopted for it, lol.

I don't know if I said, but I had an anxiety attack in bed the other night and I had one just a while ago.  It passed though... I'm calm and feeling better now.  Still slightly uneasy, but better.  I've had no energy (though that isn't really new).  Like I sleep for hours on end and wake up exhausted.  I don't even know.  It's also gotten back to where it's extremely difficult to get out of bed in the mornings again.  I'm sorta using Pluto as my motivation to do it.  He's a dog, he's gotta go out.  He doesn't deserve to have to wait until my mood suits it.  I've also had trouble focusing, and I'm pretty sure I had like a minor depersonalization moment yesterday too.  =/  I'm not a 100% on that one though, I was feeling really, really weird and I don't exactly understand the feelings I was having.  I don't know if I've ever experienced that before... at least not in that way.

This isn't me keeping track of it, btw.  I'm keeping that in a word doc.  This is just me talking about where I am.

I don't want to be where I am anymore.

things

Last time I posted about how I've been really up and down and how it's been hard to keep up.  Lately I've just been down, for the most part.  Like I saw Annie the other day, and it was amazing and made me happy... but there was a little part of me that was sad too, because now I have nothing to look forward to.  And yesterday turned out to be a real tough day for me for various reasons and I did something I shouldn't have.  And I'm just struggling and having a hard time in general and feels like there's nothing I can do to ever get out of this cycle.  *sigh*

rollercoaster

It's getting again to where I'm really up and down.  I'll be great -- so great! -- and then I crash and I'm super low and wondering why I'm even still alive.  Sometimes the shift in mood is caused by something (either something legitimate or something minor) or it'll just happen for no apparent reason.  I can barely keep up with it sometimes.  I'm also getting back to the point where I'm crying one or more times a day.  But you know what?  Didn't cry once today (except for tearing up a little over Superman, which doesn't count).  I'm proud.

I've had trouble getting into the Christmas spirit lately.  It's been like that the last few years.  I'm trying though, but meh.  I've been trying to watch some Christmas movies and specials, which usually helps but you know.  It has helped somewhat, but still.

I also don't know if I mentioned on here before, but I won a raffle prize when I went to Bakersfield Comic-Con.  Still haven't received it and have officially sworn off raffles.

Getting attached to people is literally the biggest mistake you can ever make.  Even when it's great, I can guarantee that at some point you will regret it.  You give them the power to hurt you and they will, without fail in most cases.  But you're so fucked though because if you don't get close to anyone, you're lonely and it hurts so badly.  There's a physical pain you will feel.  It's unpleasant and you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

(title)

You start to realize at a certain point that you're actually an annoying, horrible person.  The mood swings -- either too giddy or too morose, no in between -- would be hard for anyone to keep up with.  You're always complaining.  You don't listen.  You expect too much.  If they don't give a shit about you it's because you haven't given them a reason to.  You literally have nothing of value to offer anyone.  You ain't shit... you're a piece of shit, or maybe garbage depending on your mood.

And you just want desperately to be better and to do better and not to be disappointed when shit goes south as it inevitably does.  You want not to be the kind of person who cries more often than you change out of your pajamas.  But that's not you.  None of it is.  Your best isn't good enough.  It's not good enough to keep you happy.  It's barely good enough to keep you alive.  But at this point you take what you get.

It's December

I finished NaNo the day before yesterday.  And it was a pretty nice feeling.  Not as good as the first time I did it.  I don't feel like the people around me were all that excited for me either, because I've done it before so it's assumed I'll do it again.  Which, yeah.  Having faith in me is awesome.  Not recognizing an accomplishment as an accomplishment is less awesome.  But what are you gonna do.

I also bought some American Girl stuff on the Cyber Monday sale last night, so that was exciting.  There's never really enough money to get fun stuff, so this is a special treat.  Their website was so fucked up though hopefully the order actually went through.

It was pretty great that I started today pretty high.  But because it's me, that didn't last, and now I'm kinda low.  I've probably improved some since my mood first dropped, but meh.  I'm actually just really lonely, and I wish I wasn't.  My eyes immediately start to well up every time I think about being lonely, but the thought does cross my mind and I'm not great at stopping it.  Oh well.

I don't remember if I mentioned last time I posted that Pluto hurt himself, broke his toenail and had been limping around on that foot a lot.  Well, on Friday we took him to the vet and on Sunday the toenail fell off and he's been much better.  It's healing now.

I'm hoping to be able to motivate myself to get into the Christmas spirit this year.  Last year I really tried, but it just didn't really happen.  I want this year to be much merrier, if possible.  Maybe I should start my Christmas movies soon.  I did see Miracle on 34th Street on Thanksgiving, but I think I need more.