I love Halloween. It's tied with Christmas as my favorite holiday for a bunch of reasons. All of them could be summed up by saying it's fun. I love that Halloween is fun.
But this year, life has been so meh and I've been so blah that I just plain haven't cared. I don't feel like dressing up (and haven't even really thought about what kind of costume I could throw together... which I usually enjoy doing). I haven't watched much in the way of Halloween movies. I haven't pursued candy.
I just don't care.
I can't muster up a fuck to give about anything these days. I kind of hate that about myself.
Friday, October 31, 2014
Monday, October 27, 2014
uwu
It's been a while, I think.
I've done some pretty cool things since my last post -- got to hang out with a friend who lives far away (at Disneyland no less) and went to the local comic-con. My other friend had a birthday and I got to celebrate it with her. I got a haircut and new kicky curls (that are falling by now, but really I'm surprised they've lasted this long). So that's all been really awesome.
Mentally/emotionally, I've been chugging along okay. I'm getting by would probably be the best way to describe it. I feel a little poopish right now because I was going to sit with my niece and nephew (both of whom I love a lot... I was really looking forward to it) but my cousin didn't need me to do it after all. So yeah... now I'm just sitting home alone reading comic books. (Or I was reading them... kinda lost focus. That happens to me sometimes.)
I can tell though that even though things have been going all right and I've been doing some cool and fun things, I'm still not where I should be. I'm still dealing with whatever. I've noticed that when I start to get bad, the first thing I lose interest in is my doll collection (followed by keeping up with my TV shows and reading comics). I'm somewhere between two and three. But I don't know... I'm not even properly low. Just lacking in everything. I'm tired and I don't care. I don't have the energy to care. This is one of those phases where most of the time I'm not even sad... there's just nothing going on. The lights are on but no one is home.
November is going to be here soon, and with it NaNoWriMo. I'm not at all excited for it or ready for it or looking forward to it. I don't even really want to do it, but I'm afraid if I don't I'll feel like I'm not doing anything (which honestly I'm not... and I haven't for a really, really long time). I'm still not even 100% sold on this thing I'm planning to write. And speaking of writing, I'm planning to get back to my holiday fics and I haven't gotten anywhere with the Halloween one. I just... I don't know. It's not like people are really reading them anyways. Who cares. I wrote something a while back and a few people liked it but meh. It wasn't Halloween. It wasn't much. I was actually pretty pleased with how it turned out and then it only got like a handful of likes, so clearly I can't trust my own judgment. But seriously... writing is hard. And the way I do it, it's also thankless. No one would care if I didn't do holiday fics. No one would care if I didn't do NaNo.
Man, I suck at motivating myself.
I've done some pretty cool things since my last post -- got to hang out with a friend who lives far away (at Disneyland no less) and went to the local comic-con. My other friend had a birthday and I got to celebrate it with her. I got a haircut and new kicky curls (that are falling by now, but really I'm surprised they've lasted this long). So that's all been really awesome.
Mentally/emotionally, I've been chugging along okay. I'm getting by would probably be the best way to describe it. I feel a little poopish right now because I was going to sit with my niece and nephew (both of whom I love a lot... I was really looking forward to it) but my cousin didn't need me to do it after all. So yeah... now I'm just sitting home alone reading comic books. (Or I was reading them... kinda lost focus. That happens to me sometimes.)
I can tell though that even though things have been going all right and I've been doing some cool and fun things, I'm still not where I should be. I'm still dealing with whatever. I've noticed that when I start to get bad, the first thing I lose interest in is my doll collection (followed by keeping up with my TV shows and reading comics). I'm somewhere between two and three. But I don't know... I'm not even properly low. Just lacking in everything. I'm tired and I don't care. I don't have the energy to care. This is one of those phases where most of the time I'm not even sad... there's just nothing going on. The lights are on but no one is home.
November is going to be here soon, and with it NaNoWriMo. I'm not at all excited for it or ready for it or looking forward to it. I don't even really want to do it, but I'm afraid if I don't I'll feel like I'm not doing anything (which honestly I'm not... and I haven't for a really, really long time). I'm still not even 100% sold on this thing I'm planning to write. And speaking of writing, I'm planning to get back to my holiday fics and I haven't gotten anywhere with the Halloween one. I just... I don't know. It's not like people are really reading them anyways. Who cares. I wrote something a while back and a few people liked it but meh. It wasn't Halloween. It wasn't much. I was actually pretty pleased with how it turned out and then it only got like a handful of likes, so clearly I can't trust my own judgment. But seriously... writing is hard. And the way I do it, it's also thankless. No one would care if I didn't do holiday fics. No one would care if I didn't do NaNo.
Man, I suck at motivating myself.
Monday, October 13, 2014
Fell behind again
I say I'll update about once a week (not that anyone's reading it but w/e) and for a while I was doing that and then some. And then, I don't know. Even pretending this is a diary doesn't quite give me the release I'm looking for. I'm just so put out with the world and my life. I had such a hard time getting out of bed this morning and like... I've spent most of the day wishing I hadn't, that I hadn't even woken up.
Pretty sure I've said this before but I'm trying so hard and it never seems to make a difference. It's all still the same. Maybe that's why I keep losing these chunks of memory? The days are too bland and all run together in my mind.
This morning, as I was lying in bed, I kept thinking about how it was monday and I've already experienced so many mondays. Thousands, I wagered (because I didn't have the sense to figure it out). What would be the point in one more? How would this monday be different from last monday or next monday... or as far as days in general go, yesterday or tomorrow? How would my nothing, unremarkable day be any different if I didn't get out of bed. I just wouldn't have my computer... probably the only difference. But I got up, because that's what you're supposed to do. Society expects you to sit upright even when you don't have the energy even for that. So I dragged my ass out of bed and I've accomplished nothing today. I don't feel any better than I did, I don't feel like the day counted toward anything. And I also feel like if I hadn't gotten out of bed, no one would have noticed or cared. My mom would have just thought I was still asleep and called me lazy whenever she saw me again. And no one else would have noticed my absence.
I know it's not true, but even so, I can't help but feel like no one cares about me. No one gives a shit. I could die and no one would notice until my corpse began to stink. I don't mean to be so morose, I really don't... and I try to be much more upbeat but sometimes I fail. (Big shocker.) Sometimes it's really fucking hard. Sometimes I just want there to be someone to ask how I'm doing and validate my feelings and support me.
God, I'm so whiny, I'm so sorry for this post
Pretty sure I've said this before but I'm trying so hard and it never seems to make a difference. It's all still the same. Maybe that's why I keep losing these chunks of memory? The days are too bland and all run together in my mind.
This morning, as I was lying in bed, I kept thinking about how it was monday and I've already experienced so many mondays. Thousands, I wagered (because I didn't have the sense to figure it out). What would be the point in one more? How would this monday be different from last monday or next monday... or as far as days in general go, yesterday or tomorrow? How would my nothing, unremarkable day be any different if I didn't get out of bed. I just wouldn't have my computer... probably the only difference. But I got up, because that's what you're supposed to do. Society expects you to sit upright even when you don't have the energy even for that. So I dragged my ass out of bed and I've accomplished nothing today. I don't feel any better than I did, I don't feel like the day counted toward anything. And I also feel like if I hadn't gotten out of bed, no one would have noticed or cared. My mom would have just thought I was still asleep and called me lazy whenever she saw me again. And no one else would have noticed my absence.
I know it's not true, but even so, I can't help but feel like no one cares about me. No one gives a shit. I could die and no one would notice until my corpse began to stink. I don't mean to be so morose, I really don't... and I try to be much more upbeat but sometimes I fail. (Big shocker.) Sometimes it's really fucking hard. Sometimes I just want there to be someone to ask how I'm doing and validate my feelings and support me.
God, I'm so whiny, I'm so sorry for this post
Sunday, October 5, 2014
(some title)
I do really well when I have distractions, for the most part. Something to do, somewhere to go, something to watch, something to listen to. I need to fill the world around me with distractions. Interestingly enough, that's easier said than done though.
I should be trying harder, maybe. I don't know. Sometimes I put in as much effort as I can... and it makes me feel worse to realize that even that isn't enough.
I don't know. Actually, maybe I should stop writing about it (because then I think about it more). Though sometimes talking about it helps... but isn't as easy as writing about it. I don't know what I should be doing differently (besides the one thing I kinda can't do).
Whatever.
The last week had like alternating good and bad days. The good ones were great! The bad ones were really bad. I felt like I was being jerked around... and my own stupid, malfunctioning brain was the one doing it to me. It doesn't matter now anyways... I don't remember much of the bad days anyways. (I hope that's depression and not, like, a brain tumor or something.)
In other news, my wrist has been hurting. I'm thinking of looking into one of those soviet prosthetic arms like Bucky Barnes has. And I went and did a grape stomp yesterday and that was really fun. It hasn't been all bad. It's never all bad, and for that I honestly am thankful.
I should be trying harder, maybe. I don't know. Sometimes I put in as much effort as I can... and it makes me feel worse to realize that even that isn't enough.
I don't know. Actually, maybe I should stop writing about it (because then I think about it more). Though sometimes talking about it helps... but isn't as easy as writing about it. I don't know what I should be doing differently (besides the one thing I kinda can't do).
Whatever.
The last week had like alternating good and bad days. The good ones were great! The bad ones were really bad. I felt like I was being jerked around... and my own stupid, malfunctioning brain was the one doing it to me. It doesn't matter now anyways... I don't remember much of the bad days anyways. (I hope that's depression and not, like, a brain tumor or something.)
In other news, my wrist has been hurting. I'm thinking of looking into one of those soviet prosthetic arms like Bucky Barnes has. And I went and did a grape stomp yesterday and that was really fun. It hasn't been all bad. It's never all bad, and for that I honestly am thankful.
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