Sometimes we get what we deserve

Bad things happen to me quite regularly.  Not feeling sorry for myself, just stating an objective fact.  And I might think to myself at times, "I didn't deserve that.  I'm a good person.  Why do these things keep happening?"  But the truth is that that is a load of crap.  A load of crap I sell myself to try and feel better... to excuse myself for feeling bad.  Because I'm not a good person.  I'm lazy, I snap at people, I whine a lot.  I'm selfish, self-destructive, and a drama queen.  I do deserve all the bad things that happen to me.  And they happen because it's my fault.  Everything that's wrong is my fault.

This post is hard to write.  Not because I have something difficult to say, but because I have many feelings (mostly negative ones) and I can't sort them well enough to describe them.  I'm also having some writer's block, which is just making me feel worse.  I know this goes without saying, but life is hard.  It's rather unfair, too.  And right now, it must be really strong and violent because it's kicking my ass.

So it's 2016

It's a new year, and by all accounts, I seem to still be the same, inside and out.  Things have been extremely difficult lately.  My grandma died on the 28th of December after her long, painful battle with ovarian cancer.  I miss her and I'm sad she's gone.  It's good that she isn't suffering and in pain anymore... but even though that knowledge should make it easier, it doesn't really... and I feel pretty selfish for that.  As far as the five stages of grief, I experience a mix of depression and anger... but then again, that's all the time.  Add to that a truly awful Christmas, my own depression and fairly self-destructive tendencies, the stress of everything going on at home (did I go into that before? I don't remember), frequent back pain, and a slight cold that can't decide if it's truly ready to hit me, the last week or so has been absolute horse shit.  2015 sucked from beginning to end, but good god did it ever show its ass right there at the end.

I'm trying to have like a positive outlook or whatever since it's a new year, but... that isn't working.  It's not as easy as just "choosing happiness" for some of us... and the next person who suggests it is may get tripped if they happen to walk past me.

I'm having a lot of... not happy feelings.  I mean, I guess that's understandable, but I just can't deal with it, you know?  I just want to go to sleep right now and not wake up again for like six months.