Goals for 2016

1. Stop expecting people to love me as much as I love them.  That's just not realistic. 
2. Stop expecting people to like me as much as I like them.  Ditto above reasoning.
3. Eat more often.  I often forget to eat, have no motivation or desire to eat, and have a difficult relationship with food anyways as I don't really love my body as much as I would like to someday.
4. Stop being so fucking lazy, jfc.
5. Drink enough water even when it's cold.  
6. Read all those comic books I download. 
7. Watch all those shows I add to my netflix queue.
8. Cleaning.  I need to do a lot of cleaning.

Loss

It's weird sometimes when you're sad about things.  You know that in the long run this stuff isn't the worst thing that could happen, yet it still just feels too big to handle?  Like even though your shit is not that huge, it just is beating you.

I sometimes am hard on myself because of how sad and beat down I can get, and how things that I do feel others could tolerate just reduce me to tears.  I feel weak and mad at myself for being weak when it could be SO much worse.

But... I'm reminded of this image:

(Loss by Lycanium on DeviantArt)

The artist states that they aren't responsible for the captions often accompanying the image, but the caption I've most often seen if "pain is relative."  And that's true, isn't it?  Because at different points in life, you're able to take more than at other points.  It isn't wrong... it's just... life.  Maybe with time I'll get stronger.  Maybe I'm stronger than I realize right now.  Or maybe I'll stay kind of weak but I'll make it anyways.  But just because other people have serious problems it doesn't make anyone else's problems less real.  When I get down on myself, I have to try and remember that it's VALID.  My feelings are valid... everyone's feelings are valid.  It's nothing to be ashamed of.

why it's okay to give people the attention they so obviously want

You know sometimes you feel like "no one cares about me."  And then you chastise yourself for it, because it's not true.  You know it's not.  Even if you're not surrounded by friends and family, there will always be someone.  Unless you're a truly horrible person, you wish others well... and that's proof that everyone has someone who cares.  But when that's how you feel, it's hard to tell yourself otherwise.  You can get mad at yourself for saying it and then you tell yourself things like, "see how ungrateful you are?  That's why no one likes you."

But anyways, lol...

I remember why I actually started writing this post.  The topic of attention seeking.  I've been really scared of being seen as seeking attention, which is why I post most of my long posts about my emotions HERE rather than on facebook, where I have a couple hundred people on my friends list, or tumblr, where I have a lot(ish) of followers... or even on twitter (where I have just enough followers).  No one (or very, very few people) read this blog, so I feel more able to be open.  There's such a stigma around the whole idea of seeking attention.  Like it makes you a bad person or something, or self-centered or something.

But... maybe when you see someone doing or saying something you think is because they want attention, maybe a more productive thing to do would be to wonder why they want attention.  Are they lonely?  Because loneliness is crushing, and maybe it's easier for them to make posts online than to address someone directly.  Maybe they're scared of whatever they're feeling and they want reassurance that others have dealt with the same thing and got past it.  Maybe they're in need of support because those immediately around them aren't offering them enough.  Maybe they've done something cool and want to be recognized for it.  In those cases, they usually deserve it.  Maybe they do just want it for no reason, but I mean doesn't everyone feel like that every once in a while?

Maybe instead of being an asshole and assuming the worst, and ignoring people to teach them a lesson because you obviously know their situation more than they do, be kind.  Be understanding.  Engage.  At the very least, give a pity like.

Hollywood Babylon

My latest interest, a mini hobby we could call it, is reading about early Hollywood scandals and indeed old Hollywood stars -- typically silent film stars, though I'm not a particular fan of silent films (I don't hate them, but my favorite area of classic cinema is the 1940s, so that's what I usually watch).  It all started when I was looking for pictures of borzois and found a picture of ill-fated silent film actress Olive Thomas and became captivated by her beauty.  When I read up on her, I was understandably intrigued by her mysterious death in 1920 after accidentally ingesting mercury bichloride.

Olive is an interesting person to read about.  She came from a poor background and became a model and a star of Ziegfeld's Follies.  She broke into movies and quickly became popular.  One of her last films, one of few known to still survive, was The Flapper, a comedy in which she paved the way for the wild and liberated young women in the tradition of Louise Brooks and Clara Bow in the mid and late twenties.  Nowadays, most people who know about her mostly study her death, attempting to prove it was suicide or that her Jack Pickford, rumored to be a syphilitic drug addict philanderer, killed her.  None of that has been (or honestly can be) proven, and I honestly believe her death was a sad accident.  But she lived a very interesting life and had a lot of talent.  It's sad she's mostly remembered for her death... if you're reading this blog and you don't know who she is, do yourself a favor and google her.

Another scandal I've found fascinating is the murder of silent film director William Desmond Taylor.  This case is really interesting because so much about it is uncertainty and conjecture.  The case remains unsolved to this day, and almost all the suspects were noted personalities in the movie business at the time.  It's widely believed that executives from Paramount Studios did much to cover up the truth behind the murder, to keep further scandals to a minimum as the general public was beginning to think Hollywood was too wild.  I would go into more detail, but I don't have my own theory as to who the murderer was.  I'm impressionable, so I tend to agree with whichever article I've last read.  Hearst would have loved me.  For more information, check out Taylorology, an online newspaper compiling contemporary news pieces relating to William Desmond Taylor, stars associated with him and possibly related to his murder or the other high profile scandals of the time. 

One figure whose name is linked to Taylor's murder is Mabel Normand, silent film comedienne and frequent costar of Charlie Chaplain and Fatty Arbuckle.  

Mabel was the last person (besides the murderer) to see William Desmond Taylor alive, as they were good friends and she had visited with him earlier in the evening and he lent her a book as he often did.  She was never seriously considered as a suspect in his murder, but she was devastated by the loss and her career was damaged.  She's another person that lived an interesting life, fraught with scandal.  But she was one of the most popular comic actresses of the time, and she also wrote and directed movies as well.  I've always found her to be interesting and quite beautiful, but her life is also something of a sad story.  It's thought that the thing that cemented her friendship with William Desmond Taylor was his desire to help her quit using drugs, and one of the theories is that he was murdered by drug dealers who were disgruntled by him interfering with their business.  Interestingly enough, Mabel was also very good friends with Olive and was quite saddened by her sudden death.  She bought several pieces of Olive's jewelry and a toilet set from the sale of her estate. 

My mom went to the hospital last week.  As you can probably understand, this was a difficult time with worrying about her and hoping she'd be okay and being alone in the house (more than usual).  But I sort of dedicated that time to doing things around the house and keeping busy.  I had a focus.  She's home now and is doing better.  And I'm relieved about that.  Last night and today, however, have been difficult for me.  I don't have so much to focus on as I did last week (because she's getting annoyed with me trying to help her... she's very self-sufficient and is used to being the nurse, not having someone try to nurse her).  I also have been dealing with lots of my own usual negative feelings.  So there's a lot going on inside my head and nothing to distract me from it, and I don't know what to do.