My Little Pony -- my top ten episodes

So I decided I wanted a complete change of pace on this sad, depressing blog, so I decided to do some top ten lists!  First up, my top ten episodes of my most favorite TV show, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.  This was really, really, hard btw.

1. Suited for Success, season 1
2. Canterlot Wedding Parts 1&2, season 2
3. Do Princesses Dream of Magic Sheep?, season 5
4. Friendship is Magic Parts 1&2, season 1
5. Stare Master, season 1
6. Magical Mystery Cure, season 3
7. Simple Ways, season 4
8. Look Before You Sleep, season 1
9. Power Ponies, season 4
10. Hearts and Hooves Day, season 2

Special shout-out to Lesson Zero, the honorary 11th place episode, and the best animated representation of anxiety I've ever seen.

Basically my last post, copy-pasted here, verbatim

The way I was feeling before?  Exactly the same feeling right now.  But what can I say... I have to give the people who deal with me/talk to me some credit.  I would be fucking tired of me if I was them too.  Hell, I am tired of me.

whatever this is

How do you tell if it's just your anxious over critical mind playing tricks on your or if you're really a big fucking pain in the ass nuisance?  Because sometimes I talk to people and they just sound kind of like "...okay... that's interesting I guess, anyways back to me..." and I wonder how boring and overbearing and awful I must be.  And then whenever I'm able to ask, they're like "of course you're not annoying, I never mind talking to you" but?? that's not how they act???  Or maybe I'm just too fucking senstive for my own good.

I just... I have so few friends left.  I really, really don't want to chase the remaining ones away. =/

I guess I just wrote a (truly terrible) poem

I cry a lot.
It doesn't always mean something.
Most things I say and do don't.
Like when I get hurt.
I'm never sorry.

=)

Today was a good day.  I was with people, and I had fun.  I was in a good mood.  My mental health was so on point... didn't feel like death at all.  I'm so happy for it.  I'm so thankful for it.  This is a short post, but I really wanted to note this.  I had a GOOD day.  Not okay, not goodish.  But actually really nice.  And I appreciated it so much.

It's also funny, my body behaved too.  No digestive weirdness, no headache... I even had more energy.  It was nice.  I've definitely noticed before that bad days with depression are usually bad days with my body, but never really bad attention to the obvious -- good days with my mind can equal good days with my body.

It's nice.  Really nice.

chronic bitching syndrome

I saw this post on tumblr once.  I can't remember the exact wording, so I'll paraphrase it here now:

"What a day!  Nothing happened, and I was tired."

That describes my life.  I'm a dull little person.  I wake up, sit in front of my computer, try to eat at least once a day (because people tell me I should), feel sad, try to keep myself from feeling worse, get tired, write, think about My Little Pony, and go back to bed, where I sometimes sleep eventually.

I haven't left the house in two weeks.  My mother grows more and more passive aggressive towards me, and I become more and more aware what an inconvenience I am... and how true it is that she'd probably be better off without me.  (That last statement probably sounds like I'm suicidal.  I'm not.  I just don't like myself very much, but I am stuck with me.)

And I'm sad a lot of the time.  Most of the time.  I try to combat this with MLP, Drag Race, Disney movies, and comic books.  Sometimes it works for a while.  Sometimes it doesn't.

I genuinely hate how often only negative comes out of my mouth.  I feel like I used to be able to be more positive.  I used to be able to fake it better too.  But it all takes so much more energy now.  And it's exhausting.  I'm so tired of my life.  Of life in general.

Next month I turn 27.  My mom was 27 when she had me.  And I'm not any closer to having a baby than I was this time last year.  I'm not any closer to having a life than I was this time last year.  I'm not any closer to experiencing a period of happiness than I was this time last year.

My fault though, I guess.

what a rambling collection of thoughts

So last time I posted I said I was getting a cold.  I'm just now getting over that (it was awful).  I also said I wanted to die.  I kinda still do.  I'm not going to do anything (if anyone is reading this, which I don't think) don't panic or worry or whatever.  But you know.  There it is.

I've been thinking today about death and wishing for it.  If I remember correctly, the first time I wished I would just die was when my grandpa died.  Losing him was hard for me.  Next month it'll be ten years, and I still miss him.  But yeah... I remember being in the hospital on the fourth floor when he was in the ICU.  I remember leaning against the window and wishing it would just break and I'd fall through.

I wanted to die then because grieving was too hard.  The weight of that loss was too much, and I didn't know how to function without the constant love and support and validation he provided for me.

But I didn't die.  I survived that and here I am now.  Nothing horrible has happened and still... I feel now like I wish the ground would open up and swallow me.  I don't know why this is.  Like... sometimes it scares me how little I care.  Sometimes I legitimately wish to die in my sleep when I get in bed.  But other days I'm like "huh, that was a dumb feeling yesterday, I'mma keep living" so I don't even know.

In other news, my birthday is in a month and two days, and today my present arrived.  EEEEeeeeeh.

I'm going to be 27.  Isn't that awful?

an update on my life

Basically I hate myself and want to die and no one seems to care, lol.

But besides that, I went to Ohio to visit my family.  For the most part it was really good.  I've kinda felt emotionally like crap since I've been back.

And now on top of that I'm pretty sure I've got the beginnings of a cold.

Life is swell.