My 100th Post

I have written on this blog in a while... I'm sorry for that.  It does help to be able to get things out, and I usually feel safer doing it here than on any other platform, so I don't know what the problem has been.  Lack of motivation, I'm guessing.

If I was to describe the last couple of weeks, I would say that depression has pretty thoroughly kicked my ass.  I'm very unhappy, I'm very empty, I'm very alone.  I try to talk to people, and the words come out wrong.  I try to hold it in, and it's pretty obvious I'm sitting on something.

Sometimes it scares me when I can't get out of bed or struggle to get food into my body or wish every night as I lay down in my bed that I would just die in my sleep.

I'm so scared.

In other news, I'm going to visit my family next month.  I'm nervous and excited (nervousited, as Pinkie Pie would say) at the same time.

i have feelings

Yesterday was good.  I hung out with my cousin and we went to Free Comic Book Day and then to see The Avengers: Age of Ultron after.

I've been kind of up and down lately.  Yesterday was mostly up.  Today is mostly down.  And I want to die.

It's amazing how I manage to have so many problems without having any actual problems.  Like... I have a place to live.  I have food to eat (even when it's a struggle to do so) and I have a family, a couple of friends, and some beautiful pets.  I even have my health for the most part.  Yet I will still manage to be upset and sad about trivial things or just feel empty and not know how to deal with it.

People say to love yourself, as if it's easy to just start.  I want to love myself and forgive myself for being sad sometimes and for not taking good care of myself and for literally hurting myself.  But I don't know how.

I wonder what I was like before I was this depressed mess.  Did I used to know how to love myself?  I genuinely don't know if I ever did.