kwyjibo

What I seem to be finding is that when things are going okay for me I tend not to update this blog.  At that point I either have nothing to talk about or I feel safer talking about directly to the people I'm around (or talk to online).  So I guess the fact that it's been such a while since I updated should be a good thing.  Because for a while, things were going pretty good.

But then they got really bad really fast.

One day last week was the worst... until today.  Today was the absolute worst.  I've just been feeling so unwanted and alone and in the way lately.  Like not a single soul really cares.  And then a few stupid little things happened to make it feel worse.  And my heart... it ached.  I could literally physically feel it aching.  It still is now.

I just want it all to end.  I want this to be over.  I don't know how much longer I can handle it.  I've been told before that I'm strong... I don't feel it.  I just feel like a lump of personality-less sadness.

I like how when I screw up I don't just sorta screw up, I screw up massively and royally and set myself back almost a month of hard work.  I like how when I do screw up, I realize it as I'm making the mistake but it's too late, can't pull myself out.  I'm mad at myself and also relaxing back into the state of dgaf.  I don't have the motivation to give a fuck.  Like honestly?? What's the difference?  Literally nothing.

Something

A lot of disappointing things have happened lately, and it's not easy.  I mean, it's never easy, not for anyone... but it just feels like the little disappointments are coming so often and so close together, and I'm getting really tired of it.  Some days I honestly don't want to keep going.  I mean, I feel like overall, I might be getting better... but I just don't have the energy for dealing with these things when they arise.  I'm just so tired of it.  I genuinely am.