xxx

The urge to claw every inch of skin off of my body is particularly hard to resist tonight.

I want to throw things and hurt things and do things.  Maybe I should just scream at the top of my lungs.  It wouldn't solve anything, but maybe it would make me feel better for a moment or so.

I hate things.

could this be called a silver lining?

I just wrote up this long rant at myself for not appreciating the fact that I have it better than some and that it could be worse.  Then I just didn't feel like posting it because I always feel so guilty about carrying on the way I do when it could be worse, but I'm trying not to do that.  I know that I'm supposed to allow myself to feel my feelings and not compare myself to others.  And the fact that plenty of people have it worse doesn't change my situation, nor does it make depression magically vanish.  I'm really, really trying to work on learning this.  Maybe the fact that I didn't post it means I'm making progress?

go fly a kite

It's  been a while since I posted, I feel like?  I dunno.

I've done some fun stuff lately.  I don't know if any of this had happened yet last time I posted, so I just shoot through it: I went to Disneyland and met Princess Aurora.  I took a picture with her and I was grinning like the cat that swallowed the canary.  I went to American Girl Place and Addy got a new dress, and I got two new books (for free!  I had coupons).  And I got a new doll!  Not at AGP, but she came a few days before I went.  (I took her and Addy with me... they both got SO many compliments but especially Addy.)

As for my emotional state, I don't really know how to describe it.  I feel like I'm getting better one day and then I'm really low again the next.  I don't know.  I have been writing a little bit, more than I was, so that's better.

I have been feeling really lonely though.  And just... I am so in need of affection.  Just someone to be warm towards me.  Maybe someone who would hug me without me asking for it first.  Someone who would fucking listen to me for once in my goddamn life.

Right now, I feel like a ragey bitch.  I'm just so pissed at everything for no reason in particular.  And I'm probably hormonal.  And I have terrible cramps that had finally started to feel like they were getting a bit better... but no.

I think I'm going to go lay on my bed and hug Clark plushy.

little

I've been thinking about my kids lately.  A lot, actually.  More than usual.  No, I don't have kids yet, but I want them.  I've always wanted to be a mother some day... and I want it so badly that sometimes (often) I feel an actual physical ache.  It's like that weird feeling I get in my hands when I'm sad and anxious, only it's in my chest... and I have to try and wrap my arms around my body just so I can hold myself together.

So I've been thinking about these kids I don't have... and how much I already love them, even though they haven't even been conceived yet.  I may not be good at much, but I honest to God believe I'd be a good mother.  If I didn't think so, I wouldn't want to do it so badly.  And I am just getting to the point that I'm going to maim the next person who laughs at me when I say that I want babies.  How is that funny?  How is that wrong?  How can you sit there and laugh at me for wanting that?  I really don't understand.

Maybe it's funny because you need a man to get pregnant and the thought of me attracting a man is so laughable.  I mean, sure, I think so too... but laughing to my face seems unnecessary.  After some of the things that have been said to me before, I shouldn't be surprised, yet here I am.  Maybe they think that I'm too unstable to be a good mother... and fair enough.  That's something I worry about as well.  But a lot of people have had depression and anxiety and still were good parents.  It's not like that's impossible.

I just... I don't know.  I want it so bad, and it feels like I've already waited so long.  And with each passing day, it feels a little bit more like it'll never happen.

Stop raining on all my fucking parades

I should be really happy right now, and in a way, I am.  So yay.  =)  But there's something stuck in my craw, I can't let it go... and even worse, I have no safe place to vent about it without it coming back to bite me in the ass.  I mean, I guess I could put it here (since not a lot of people read this blog) but I don't want to take that chance.  I'd like to have someone validate how I'm feeling so I know if I'm being crazy (which, I know... crazy?  ME?  But I'm so stable!)... but I can't.  *sigh*

If this was tumblr, this post would be under a read more link

Today was not a bad one, as far as days go.  Like the actual day itself was uneventful and calm.

But as for my emotional state?  One of the worst I've had in a while.  I was very low and felt hopeless.  Cried several times and had to hug Clark plushy and just... lay on my bed for a while.  I just... I didn't feel like I would survive this afternoon, for one reason or another.

But hey.  You know what?  I did.

I'm feeling a little better now... not ready to climb K2 or anything, but still... better.  But man... I don't want to go back to this afternoon.  I need to look into some options for therapy because it's really long past time I start getting myself in order.  I'm a mess.

Clever Title Goes Here

I don't really remember what happened this week (besides yesterday, which I'll get to in a minute).  I was going to say I watched Parks and Rec, but I think that was last week.  I worked on a character of mine and got her more or less tweaked to where I want her.  I'm actually really happy about that, so go me.  I was going to write, just get something out and try to finish something, but it still hasn't happened.  And since no one is reading this blog, I can just admit this: it terrifies me.  It scares the hell out of me when I can't write for an extended period of time.  I'm not good at much, and writing is at least something I'm sorta good at it... and I like it.  I had finally started to feel like I was growing as a writer.  But if I can't write, what's the point?  Why am I even still here without that?  What the hell good am I to anyone?  None.  None whatsoever.

That got really negative.  I'm sorry.

Anyways, yesterday!  Yesterday was good.  I went to Disneyland.  =)  I Disneybounded Maleficent and I feel like I looked cute too.  My eye makeup was so on point though.  I put this matte, grass green shade on my lids and then i took a shimmery lavender color and used that on my brow bone and upper lid area.  The purple and green overlapped but I didn't blend.  The line was very soft because of the brush I used.  I really love that eyeshadow brush.  It's this kind, though not a MAC brand because I'm poor.  Anyways, we had a fun day.  We rode Indiana Jones and Pirates of the Caribbean, two rides I hadn't been on in quite a while.  I got some new pins and a new Mickey Mouse doll dressed as Burt from Mary Poppins.  He's so cute!

And also, yeah.  I've been having an appetite lately.  It's interesting though.  I had been getting one meal a day (sometimes and a snack), unless I was around people.  Lately I've been eating shortly after I wake up and actually feeling hungry again later, so I've had to have more to eat.  My stomach still has trouble sometimes (it actually got feeling really funny after breakfast yesterday and it got upset after I had had lunch and later some mango slices) but at least my appetite is trying to come around.  Like right now.  I had breakfast earlier and now it's almost five and I'm hungry.

So yeah.