I don't really care about most things.  I don't really feel a lot of things.  Like... the house will be burning down around me (for example lol, it's still standing, don't worry) and I will worry... but not necessarily care.  I feel this general sense of badness, but not really... an emotion I can put a name on.

I was told last week that I've seemed better lately.  This was meant as a compliment, but it makes me feel awkward.  Because I haven't felt better... and it puts a lot of pressure on me to maintain this improvement I personally haven't seen or felt.  A lot of it is an act.  But?  If I don't know what part of this act is working, how can I keep it up?  How do I apologize for the days when I don't have the energy to keep on with that act?

I joined this website 7cups.  It's been pretty helpful.  I've been talking about shit and trying to practice meditating every day, changing the way I think, learning how to love and forgive myself... and all that crap.  But it's difficult.  I want to get better.  I know it's ridiculous to expect it fast but I've been this way for YEARS.  It hasn't been fast.  And I want to feel better now.  Right now.  Invent a magic bullet and shoot me with it.

Show of Hands

How many people notice your presence in their life?  The little things you do because you can and should, the things you do for others because they need them or like them.  How many people notice when you're sick or when you're sad?  How many offer to help when you need it?  How many would notice if you stopped answering their messages?  How many would miss you if you died today?

You can't answer any of those questions reliably.  But it's hard sometimes not to feel like the answer to most of those questions in my case is two or less... and the answer to the last one is none.

I know it's just my usually negativity and... other issues... talking, but damn.  It's hard not to believe those thoughts.

Everyday I say to myself things like "tomorrow I'm going to do _____" and then tomorrow comes and I can't bring myself to do.  Usually it's practical things like cleaning, washing the dishes, washing my hair (which I shouldn't admit...), taking out the trash, etc.... but sometimes it's fun things, like watching a movie or brushing pony hair or playing the sims.  I can just not bring myself to do anything.  Sometimes I force myself to do what's absolutely necessary, but if it's not super duper pressing, I don't.  And that's awful... and I hate myself for it.

But name a reason I don't hate myself.